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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Fed up of buying new clothes!

43 replies

Charlie52 · 02/05/2015 18:37

I'm so fed up of us having to buy DSS new clothes. DP picks up DSS every Friday at 5pm. The majority of the time DSS is in his school uniform which means on a Sunday we're sending him back in clothes we never see again. Once again we're down to our last pair of trousers and since DSS is only 5 and still sometimes has accidents in the day, we need to buy more. This is a regular occurrence and I'm sick of it! We're not skint so can afford it but that's completely beside the point. It's not just trousers either. She's "lost" 3 coats in his current size, all of which we've bought. Thankfully I found a cheapy one in the sale as I refuse to pay full price for a coat we'll never see again and he'll have stopped wearing soon as the weather warms up - and of course he'll have outgrown by next year. We're also having to buy tops and jumpers constantly. Shoes we just send him back in his school shoes - unless we know he needs new ones in which case we'll buy them and pack his school shoes in his bag. I'm so frustrated but I know that it's DSS that will suffer if we don't keep buying new clothes. Anyone else have experience of this? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:

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Charlie52 · 02/05/2015 19:46

Re maintenance. No. He's offered countless times to pay more / pay directly but she refuses to give him bank details and makes him go through CSA (or whatever it's called now) collect and pay so he can only pay minimum. Which is another frustration as he's forced to pay 20% fees despite being perfectly happy to pay directly!

OP posts:

OneEyedWilly · 02/05/2015 20:00

OP I could have written your post! We've had to resort to taking DSD home in her school uniform as no matter how many times we ask her mum to pack a set of clothes in her bag to wear home, this has literally never been done once. We simply can't afford to buy her new clothes every week. I agree it's not fair, but sometimes you're left with no other option. I thought that sending her home in her uniform would get the message across but her mum doesn't seem to care, or is using it as yet another example to her friends and family that we are the bad parents.

Bahh · 03/05/2015 00:47

She's not just throwing them away, d'you think? Maybe she doesn't like your taste, or enjoys making life a bit more difficult for you? I must admit my OH and I frequently joke about 'losing' SDs horrid coat that her mum puts her in all the time but we'd never dream of actually doing it! She goes back with everything she came with, her mum will wait a few weeks until she's got a bag of our stuff and then will drop it round. We don't dress her in the others stuff though, we just have different taste. Absolutely ridiculous to get rid or 'lose' or just not return any of it though, how childish and wasteful. V thankful for my resonable OHXW now!

thepurplehen · 03/05/2015 06:06

We do this. They stay til Monday morning nowadays but when they stayed til Sunday night, they just went home in uniform.

The kids soon get used to it and accept it.

My step kids mum won't let thing bring even a pair of shoes from hers and if we pick them up from hers midweek during the holidays, they often walk down the street in bare feet!

My ds has always taken his own clothes to dads. They've always come back.

Everyone's different but the kids do adapt.

yellowdaisies · 03/05/2015 07:57

How old is DSS? If he's above about 8 I'd start raising the expectations on him. Tell him he must pack a small bag for the weekend with some spare clothes in it, or change straight after school.

But I'd also change your arrangements and pick up from his home rather than having him walk into town. It's much easier to check a child has with them what they need for the weekend if you collect them from their home. I've found the whole thing gets a lot more complicated as they get older and have homework, etc to remember as well. If DSS/his DM can't remember to send clothes you need to make sure your ex is there reminding him what he needs before he leaves the house.

TheMummalo · 03/05/2015 08:32

DSD goes back to her mum in whatever clothes she comes in be that uniform or not. It's been that way for years due to her mum swiping new stuff and sending her in rags.
They get used to the routine.

PinkGinny · 03/05/2015 09:21

Charlie - that doesn't sound quite right re: the extra 20%. The receiving parent can't force the use of collect & pay with it's extra costs if the paying parent makes the payment each month by Day 5. Your DP needs to get in touch with CMS again and change the arrangement.

Charlie52 · 03/05/2015 12:21

pink but then without her bank details, how does he pay? She wants cash but he said no chance as then there's no proof he's paid.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 03/05/2015 12:26

Cheque sent registered post and get him to tell the CMS that he is doing this and why.

Charlie52 · 03/05/2015 12:45

Ahh thanks that's a great idea! When would it have to be there by?

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Branleuse · 03/05/2015 13:08

Obviously it sounds annoying, so since youve already asked her and it doesnt happen. Your only options are to keep going as you are, and spending money on new clothes, or send him back in the ones he came in.
Only options really

PinkGinny · 03/05/2015 13:36

What date do the CMS say he has to pay by? Use the guaranteed next day delivery service - needs to be signed for - and shouldn't be too expensive for a cheque. Will certainly be less than an additional 20%. She will also gain as there will be no 4% deduction at her side. As long as payment is made within 5 days of due date no enforcement action will be taken by the CMS so that leaves plenty time for the cheque to clear too. He could send it a day or two early to make sure.

PerspicaciaTick · 03/05/2015 13:42

Have some casual clothes that are kept at your house.
He changes into them when he arrives at your house.
On Sunday, he wears his casual clothes until it is time to go at which stage he changes and wears uniform to travel.
Mum changes him back into casual stuff/PJs whatever when he arrives and the barely worn uniform can be worn on Monday.

Carlywurly · 03/05/2015 13:53

I feel your pain. We're always losing bits and its really frustrating. I buy good quality stuff in the sales (gap, fat face etc) and the dcs return in old, knackered things which are 2 sizes too small. Every now and again we get a huge bag full back but I've taken to taking pics so we know what to ask for.

LBOCS · 03/05/2015 14:10

We have a similar issue - DSS used to be sent back in 'clothes' and we never saw them again. So now we send him back in his uniform. It's a 4 hour trip on public transport. Doesn't do him any harm.

Charlie52 · 03/05/2015 23:43

pink DP's ex is saying she'll refuse any cheques. If he sends via recorded delivery, what happens in terms of the CMS if she won't accept / doesn't pay it into her account?

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 04/05/2015 00:40

I don't know. Why not ask them? I would imagine that they would not however take enforcement action if he can prove he has made every effort to pay but his ex is being unreasonable and perverse in her actions.

daisychain01 · 04/05/2015 03:14

People play all sorts of silly games and get awkward just for the hell of it, unfortunately.

How someone can refuse money for their DC is beyond me, esp. if the DF is willing and able to pay. It just harms the DC but they don't see it like that.

As regards the clothes, maybe that could just be a reasonable way of your DSS directly benefiting if he wears his DFs clothes round at his DMs!

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