DSS unhappy about our wedding

[Apathyisthenewblah]

we recently told DSCs that we are getting married and DSS6 has reacted really badly. Initially he seemed find about it and then told DP that he is sad that it means his mum and dad will never get back together. They split when he was nearly 3.
However DP's ex said that "DSS is angry and will not forgive you for leaving and does not approve of the marriage or people who leave relationships without trying to fix them".

I find it hard to believe that DSS would phrase it like this without some adult input (but am willing to hear the contrary). I feel that poor DSS has to say whatever he thinks each parent wants to hear.
How can we make it easier for him, regardless of whether he decides he wants to come to the wedding? Is he old enough to decide this?

They don't sound like the words of a six year old but maybe his mum is stating what he's said in adult words to a degree. The bit about him not working at the relationship sounds like her though.

Your dp needs to talk to dss and explain that even if you weren't around, him and his mum would still be apart and that it's nothing to do with dss, it was that the adults couldn't be together anymore. That he will still be in his life, things won't change and that your marriage is a happy day.

If it's any consolation my youngest dsd threw a hissy fit because when she insisted her mum come to our wedding it was suggested that might not be a great idea. We still haven't got married.

I don't think it sounds like something a six year old would say.

It sounds like dss is a little insecure and your dp needs to have a chat with him as pp advised.

I wouldn't let it stop you from getting married though. A child cannot and should not dictate how adults live their lives. ( I'll prob get a roasting for that) definitely consider their feelings and obviously if dsd doesn't like it maybe you can not talk about it in front of him. I dunno. But I def think dp needs to speak to speak to his son and maybe even his ex.

If it's any consolation my nephew is refusing to go to his aunties wedding as he will have to wear a kilt. We haven't approached it with him and he has since mentioned he is looking forward to it. We don't mention the kilt thing much but he has said oh I'm going with uncle x to get my kilt. He is 6. So you might find that by not mentioning it too much dsd will come around. Xx

"I wouldn't let it stop you from getting married though. A child cannot and should not dictate how adults live their lives. ( I'll prob get a roasting for that) definitely consider their feelings and obviously if dsd doesn't like it maybe you can not talk about it in front of him. I dunno. But I def think dp needs to speak to speak to his son and maybe even his ex. "

I disagree with this - BUT only when the child is in danger or being harmed. So if your dss had objected from the start because he is scared of you, then I might put things off for a bit until he has warmed to you (and that is scared as a 7 year old, not just saying they are scared as a 14 year old - who doesn't want a power shift).

If you had a good relationship before the talk of marriage, then I see no problems.

You may need to reassure him that nothing will change. Can you make plans for things you will all do together after the wedding. So somewhere you will go at Autumn half-term? To reassure him that you will be still seeing him and involved in his life, and that he won't be losing his Daddy.
Maybe leave a copy of "Two of Everything" around for him to look at, have read to him.

I think it sounds exactly what a 6yo would say, albeit translated in to adult language.

If your DP left his family, your DSS would be angry, wouldn't he. Surely that's to be expected? He tells his mum he wants his family back altogether, she tells him something along the lines of how 'it's not you, daddy and I don't love each other anymore' then DSS correctly points out that if he fell out with one if his best friends he'd do his best to make up and fix it, not throw away the friendship because he can go and get another friend.

I have no idea how to fix it though, sorry.

Thanks everyone this is really helpful and food for thought.
Missus I hadn't thought of it that way but can see exactly what you mean.
We have a very good relationship now, we see the DSCs twice a week, once for overnight and they seem happy with the fact of us together. We try to make sure there is a balance of us all doing things together and the DSCs having alone time with their dad.
We also have a baby DD who they get on very well with.
DSS is lovely and I don't want him to be sad.

We have said that nothing will change and it is really just a party but I can see how watching your parent make vows to someone else would be hard.
He has suggested that he could just come to the party not the ceremony so if he is happy with that I think that is what we will do.

I'd make arrangements for him to just come to the party - but allow him to change his mind if he wants to at any time.

It is sad for him to recognise that his parents aren't ever going to get back together again, and I think it's OK to let children feel that way. My DSC sometimes say things along those lines, and I try and let them know that I'm OK about them feeling like that, and that I realise it doesn't mean they don't like having me in their lives. When's your wedding? He might come to terms with the fact that his parents are never going to get back together again and start to feel more positive by the time it happens.

Get him involved in helping to choose food or decor for the party. Eg helium balloons don't cost a lot and kids can get very excited about them.

My six yr old asked me why we were not together and I said our marriage had broken.

He asked me why we did not bother to fix it - Mum it just needs some glue and it will be fine.

So yes I do think he could have said that.

I can understand that he may think that if his parents had used some glue then they could have fixed it but I feel that "approval" is his mum's term.
Anyway what was said is a secondary issue to what we can do to make the situation easier for him.

The wedding is this summer so not much time for him to come round and to be fair as long as he is comfortable with his decision we will support whatever he choses. We have been engaged for a while but at the request of Dp's ex did not talk about the wedding to the children until closer to the time.

I think it's fair to expect that reaction. I had the same from my two DSS and they did not come to the wedding (6 and 9). In the end it was a lot less stressful to know they would not be there, as we could concentrate on having a great time and not worry about any little one. I am saying this as there was no other kid at the wedding so it would have been weird and boring for them especially as they are still mummy's boys. The wedding photos are on display but they show no interested in them. As they grow old i think they'll just see how much we love each other and that their dad is happy, and will come to acknowledge that. For the moment i think what matters is that they see their dad on weekends and have a great time when they come to our house. I never thought that making them acknowledge the wedding was a big deal, since we live together they already have to accept quite a lot so it's important to give them space and not force them to come if they say it makes them feel uncomfortable. My DSS said they did not want to see us kiss and did not want to come. We respected that! :P

How would a 6 year old know enough detail to judge whether his father put in sufficient effort to fix it or not? That's not the sort of information a child needs to know, it isn't helpful.

congratulations on your engagement :)

Sounds like a jealous bitter ex trying to make ife hard for you and using her child. Sad for the child.

DSS concerns are valid and I would approach him with understanding and reassurance that mum, dad and stepmum love him so much. Also worth saying even if you weren't getting married that he would not get back together with his mum. as she sounds like a nob

He may come round, he may not but give him lots of time and talk to him and don't expect too much. Good Luck

Feerouge you have echoed pretty much my feelings. Both DSCs seem happy here and know we love them. It doesn't seem worth making a big deal of one day if they are not comfortable.
thanks everyone - much calmer now