What are we doing wrong?

[Charlie52]

DSS (aged 5) is being really hard work lately. He has meltdowns over relatively small things and it just feels like he doesn't listen to us at all sometimes. Today he had a meltdown because we wouldn't play football the exact way he wanted to - I.e. We wouldn't pass the ball back immediately. We told him to ask politely instead of being rude and tried explaining there are 3 of us and so he doesn't have complete monopoly over the ball. He started shouting and hitting, saying we're unfair and he hates us. The entire way home he was kicking and screaming, dragging his feet, stopping in the middle of the street and refusing to move and when DP picked him up he spent the entire way home hitting him and shouting how much he hates us. DP put him in his bedroom when we got home and told him to calm down. He has a meltdown this bad at least once or twice a weekend. Over the last few weeks he's had toys taken off him, been stopped doing things he likes, put to bed etc but nothing is working. I don't know what we're doing wrong :( The relationship between DP's ex and himself is difficult to say the least and so there's no real attempt at consistent discipline etc. DP's ex just says we never discipline him and just feed him full of sweets and spoil him - which couldn't be further from the truth. She says he's never like it with her but he's 5 yrs old, I don't for one minute think he's perfect 24/7. He's only here every other weekend and half the holidays so it's so hard when there's potentially two different parenting techniques going on here and he's here less. What on earth are we doing wrong? Is it normal for a 5 year old to act like this? Maybe we just expect too much of him. Other times he can be so lovely. Like when he calmed down, he apologised (through his own choice) and says he loves us and didn't mean to say he hates us - he said it to DP and then came and found me and said it to me too and neither of us made him say that. He can be so sweet at times but others he just has a meltdown. Just feels like we're doing something wrong.

his mum is talking crap because it sounds like typical 5 year old behaviour and boundary pushing. keep consistent when he is with you and it might help to remember to use terminology like "we love you but not your behaviour" rather than telling him he is being naughty or bad

5yo can be very volatile at times. They are just not that good at regulating themselves, so if they are overtired/hungry/even thirsty they can lash out in some very random directions.

I always ask the physical questions first with my 5yo. Are you cold/hungry/thirsty/tired? If so, let's deal with those first and then we can deal with the thing they claim they are having a problem with. Works most of the time.

This sounds like my 5yo son. I was wondering whether you were his step mum!

However I'm guessing not as we're all honestly on good terms.

Sounds very normal boundary pushing. Stick with it. The fact he apologised under his own steam is great

Ah yes he's being a five year old. Maybe the hitting should stop. I'd focus on that as a behaviour to change. Talk about ways how he can say he is angry that doesn't use his hands.

Otherwise I'm finding five to be a really sulky, whingey volatile age. But also full of lovely moments. Keep hold of those moments.

Thanks all, it's reassuring to know it's normal. where we're always really careful to say "we love you but not your behaviour" rather than you're being naughty or whatever. I've never thought Itd be very helpful to say that to a child. He's not feeling too great this evening so perhaps that contributed to his behaviour. liara that's a really good point about asking him about physical things.

Cross-posted with thisfence. yes definitely need to get him to stop hitting. But how? We've had countless conversations - I say we, it's mostly DP but occasionally me and DP's dad (DSS's grancha) - about anger and about how it's okay to feel angry but not okay to express that anger through violence.

But yes, definitely full of lovely moments too :)

Can you give him some strategies for when he feels like he wants to hit? Maybe somewhere quiet he can sit to cool down or counting to ten or something?

A good way to get him to stop hitting and using physical violence is to get him a laxtex stress ball. I know this sounds silly, but you can hit them, stand on them, punch them, e.c.t and they'll go back into their original shape. It's a good way for him to take out his anger/annoyance and not hurt anyone.