The reason that being a step parent is frustrating is because......

[Carmenere]

when they behave like a pain in the ass, no matter how lovely they are generally, they will always be somebody elses child.

This has come home to me this weekend. Dss(17) and French dsd(7) who are both great in their own ways have really irritated me(I have PMT atm). And it occured to me that although dd(2.8) irritates me, I can deal with it in a different way because we have bonded from birth.

The whole bonding thing is so well designed by mother nature because you can just deal with noisy, naughty children (and teenagers) better when they are your own.

Don't get me wrong, I love dsd to bits and am proud of the smart young gentleman he has grown into whilst living with us. And dsd is a gorgeous sweet natured kid who I have only just met and I am sure I will grow to love her too but just now, it is all a bit hectic and trying in my house.

Just venting......

Are you OK Carmenere?

Hope you're feeling better today

As an ex-stepdaughter I think you are right, Carmenmere, and it cuts both ways. (Ex because my father and stepmother are now divorced.) Unless, I suppose, the birth parent is dead and the step-parent eventually becomes a primary carer.

I think that's pretty obvious to most mothers tbh.

Except in the case of adopted children where you are much more bonded to the child because psychologically and emotionally, the buck stops with you. I think part of bonding is probably the dependence a child has on you, whereas if s/he is emotionally attached to someone else as strongly (or rather more strongly) than you, it's a completely different relationship.

Well, I am fine now. Dp has just driven off with French dsd and dd in the car to bring dsd back to France. On the whole I think it went really well.
She diddn't cry at all, she vomited(carsickness) twice and she wet herself once.
I work form home and have had a deadline for today and dp was working at the weekend so I was primary carer as well as working all weekend which I found really stressful.

French dsd is a lovely child but not speaking English and me not speaking Frnech was a problem (well I speak a bit but it was difficult). And she is used to being the centre of attention and being spoiled by her dad as when he does see her it is a big deal(once every two months or so). Dd is also used to being the centre of attention and so it was probably good for both of themn to learn to share a bit but still it was a bit of a trying time[stress emoticon].

However it was a major step towards the whole situation being normalised and I'm sure now she will come and spend more time with us which is a good thing

I think I have learned that to a certain extent with dss anniemac, the only problem with that is that dp overcompensates because his mum has more or less rejected him. Dp I know on some level feels guilt and is desperately sorry for dss so dss gets away with murder around here a lot of the time.

Another factor is I think that when you both raise kids from littlies your parenting style evolves and you kind of instinctively know what each other would do and find acceptable or not. But when you have a fully grown teen suddenly thrust into your life it is a bit like fast forwarding and you have to deal with situations that you would are not ready to. Like in some ways dss gets away with stuff that if he was mine he just would not, but I have to keep quite because, unless I totally object(and am willing to fight the battle) it is just how his dad is raising him.

That makes lots of sense Carmenmere. Very interesting to hear such a good analysis of the step-parent's situation. I think we probably came as a huge shock to our stepmother!