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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Being dragged into DSD life dramas

11 replies

MrsBetty · 22/04/2015 02:12

DSD is 20 with 3 kids. Her OH is due to be jailed for drug offences next month. DH feels sorry for her and thinks she can do no wrong. I can understand where he's coming from as she's his DD. However, I can see it from an outsider's view and think she likes the drama (and the money that comes from the drugs) and could have kicked her OH long ago if she'd really wanted to.
DH likes her OH (FFS!) and can't see that he won't change (this has been going on for a very long time).
I'm really worried about the kids, but as far as I know Social Services are aware of the situation.
I'm trying to stay out of it as much as possible but now DH says that when OH goes to prison we will visit DSD twice a week to help with the kids. I'm chronically ill and simply can't do it even if I wanted to. It's affecting my relationship with DH and we've only been married a few months.
Can anyone help? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
mummyneedinganswers · 22/04/2015 04:47

Sometimes in those situations the partner is scared to leave maybe she was thinking of the kids and they mad her stay with him for there sake instead of her thinking of the harm they were iin your husband is protecting his little girl as I would mime he doesn't want her hurting or maybe he doesn't want her falling apart.you need to address this with your husband and explain your reasons for not wanting to go due to illness. It doesn't mean he can't go just because u can't. There's ways around it. You oh is probably just concerned at theminute give him time and iI'm sure he will realize as well xx all the best

Wdigin2this · 22/04/2015 08:05

I really feel for you MrsB! The trouble is, nobody can blame your DH for wanting to help and support his DD, but you and probably lots of others, can see that that she should be helping herself and her DC much more....like not staying with a man involved in drugs, no matter what 'extras' it brings!! I think you're wise to stay out of things, and obviously your health issues prevent you from physically being involved too much, but perhaps show willing by going to hers maybe one a month if you can, but I would be careful of what you say to him concerning his daughter's situation! He must know that his DD's man is not good for her, and probably really wishes she'd never met him, but whatever he says about the situation be non committal in your replies, don't slag DD or her OH off, just make the right noises, there's not a lot else you can do anyway as it's not in your hands...and when it all goes pear shaped, you can't be blamed!!

yellowdaisies · 22/04/2015 08:13

Can't he go round to help her with the kids but leave you behind if you don't want to, or aren't well enough?

I think it's fair enough that he wants to support his DD, but no reason for you to join him every time if you don't want to.

If you find his DD hard work to be around, but do want to help her out (or support your DH in doing so) could you maybe offer to have some of the kids at yours a bit, or take them out places?

olgaga · 22/04/2015 08:35

Your DH has no right to volunteer you for twice-weekly visits to "help" his DD and GC! If he wants to, do that - fine! You're in no position to.

He "likes" this OH, who thinks criminal activity is a legitimate way to provide for his family? Who is about to serve a custodial term, leaving her with no support?

It sounds like this family need more help than either or both of you can provide! Either way, don't let yourself be pushed around.

CocaKoala · 22/04/2015 08:37

I was just going to say the same thing as yellow. I think it's fair enough that he's going to want to help his DD but why do you have to go along the twice a week as well? Obviously if you're able to and want to then that's fine. But I can't see why you have to.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 08:42

Well if my 20 year old dd was in this mess, I'd want to visit her twice a week- so I don't see that you can object to your do going. But not sure why he thinks you should as well- where's her mother?

Wdigin2this · 22/04/2015 08:53

Yes, good point Hak, where is her mother in all this??

FenellaFellorick · 22/04/2015 09:03

ask him when he started using the royal we because you know he is not telling you what you will be doing!

It is normal and natural for a parent to always be there for their child, no matter how old and no matter how poor their decisions. Even more so if they have children and those children need help and support. There can also sometimes be quite a bit of head in sand denial stuff.

He loves his daughter. He's going to want to help her. He'd be a crap dad if he didn't.

If you are not willing or able to spend 2 days a week helping, then tell him no, that won't be happening. He can't force you to.

Ratfinkandbobo · 22/04/2015 13:34

Just don't go, let him get on with it.

Original poster
MrsBetty · 22/04/2015 15:32

Thanks for all your replies Smile
I do understand that DH wants to help his DD and is worried about her, and I try to be supportive, it's just really getting me down!
I like DSD and we get on well, but after my experience babysitting last weekend I'm going to avoid their house until her OH is locked up! It was the first time I'd experienced for myself what goes on in that house (it was the longest time I've spent in the house with both of them there as they didn't go out until 10pm!) and I was appalled.
I also get on OK with her mum, but to be honest, her parenting skills are not great. I've never had my own kids, so I can't judge and I'm sure it's far from easy.
I'm happy to visit DSD when I feel up to it, and look after her kids, but DH will just have to understand I can't do it as often as he'd like!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBetty · 22/04/2015 15:38

I think part of why it's making me so stressed is I'm having to bite my tongue all the time and agree with DH instead of saying what I really think!
Hopefully things will settle down once DSD OH gets locked up!

OP posts:
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