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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Personal boundaries

91 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/04/2015 21:33

So I go to my room and dsd is on my bed on her phone. She shares a room with her brother and he is watching a film so she's been kicked out the room.

I asked her to go out so I could get changed for bed. Which she did. But I had just taken off my pants and she walked back in to pick up her bobble. I was mid change. I'm really angry because she knew what I was doing and it could have waited. I want dp to have a word with her and ask her to knock before entering our room. Is this too much to ask?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Somersetlady · 18/04/2015 09:56

The poor child!
I imagine when you met DP you knew he had children before you moved in together?
Just get changed with her in the room like a communal changing room at swimming etc you are setting her the example to be ashamed of her body and that it's not normal. She deserves to feel like your place is home too as life has probably been tough enough with her parents seperating.
Put a lock on the door or go and changed in the bathroom if you are really that much of a prude.
You only have to contend with it 7 days out of 14 so make the most of your personal private space the times you are not having to provide a family home!
alternatively your DP get a place of your own and let him provide a loving open home for the kids who came along well before you did.........

needaholidaynow · 18/04/2015 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 09:57

So I should just let dsd see my private area. Yea no problem. My room is not a communal area.

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 09:58

It's great some folk can be so comfortable. I just don't have that relationship with the kids. Sorry I'm not step mum of the year.

OP posts:

BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 10:01

OP I've had a few hours Mnetting at the expense of being company, chilling with my daughter. She's been on the bed with me for a while of it though, chatting away and generally annoying me. I told her to bugger off if she wanted a bacon sandwich.

She's getting that now and we're going out later. May be we all need to spend a bit of time with the kids now rather than mumsnetting ?

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 10:01

I'm going for a shower now. shall I leave the door wide open. So everyone else can come in and get washed while I wash and shave??

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 18/04/2015 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somersetlady · 18/04/2015 10:03

Sorry always cross post!

The fact is she did leave the room when you asked. She is just 11. She innocently popped back in to get something she had forgotten.

For you this is an invaision of privacy for her it just didnt compute it would be a problem.

I like the hook and eye idea someone jad posted above so you can pop it on the door when you want to keep her out.

Somersetlady · 18/04/2015 10:06

I dont understand all this period talk. Surely most people change their sanitary wear in a locked bathroom? Same with a shower/bath/shave scenario.
Bathrooms generally have locks on them so if you want privacy for anything lock yourself in the bathroom as many people suggested above.........

needaholidaynow · 18/04/2015 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 18/04/2015 10:11

Looks like I'm a lone voice in this. We have a house rule that you knock on closed bedroom doors and wait for an answer.

DC follow this rule no problem, they're 10 & 12. The rule's been in place since eldest was 7.

We also knock on the DC's bedroom doors.

DP isn't DC's biological father & it's not fair on anyone to be walked in on.

OP, is it possible to put a privacy screen in the DSC room, so DSD & DSS have privacy? Is it possible to curtain off the room in two or something?

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 10:12

Totally agree need
Some people are being a tad overdramatic ...

paxtecum · 18/04/2015 10:12

Don't families all sit in the sitting room anymore.
The boy is watching a film in one bedroom, the girl is messing on her phone in the other bedroom.
So what happens in the sitting room?

Why does everyone need their own space all the time?

Themrmen · 18/04/2015 10:12

How offensive to suggest it's not a loving home because the op doesn't want to flash her bits to her dsd, a lot of parents are not comfortable doing that with their own dc. It's not about being prudish different people have different boundaries and the op has every right to change in privacy, everyone is so concerned with the dsd privacy but the op is not allowed any. Like it had been repeatedly said their is a bathroom for dsd and op, equally the op can ask the dsd to give her 10 minutes in her own damn room to get changed, if the dsd said can I have 10 mins in my room to get changed in sure the op would oblige

Chippednailvarnish · 18/04/2015 10:17

Your DSD isn't the problem, your DP is. There's no point moaning about an 11 year old if her father won't back you up.

Somersetlady · 18/04/2015 10:17

Needaholiday now.

The OP has explained things are strained between them all.
A resolution needs to be found.
One option is to use the bathroom and lock the door for anything OP doesnt want to be disturbed doing.
Another is to put a lock on her own door.
The OP has explained shes not willing to talk to the DSC directly.
Her DP wont do it.

Everyone here is trying to offer her solitions.

Her options therefore follow:

All sit down and discuss as a family (surely best) boundaries etc.
Talk to dsc herself in sweet way as outlined above
Get her dp to do it
Put a lock on her room door
Go to bathroom

As shes already stated 1-3 arent options then She'll have to make her own decision as to what she will do out of the other 2.

Aside from barricading the door with a chair........

Somersetlady · 18/04/2015 10:20

I think we are also forgetting the 11 yo wasnt willfully staging a sit in but left the room when asked and then popped back to get something she had forgotten! Perfectly acceptable behaviour to most humans in their own home.

Think chippednailvarnishs comment above rings true!

basgetti · 18/04/2015 10:24

It does seem from some of your posts that you are just waiting to have a go at the children so I can understand why your DP has taken a defensive position. Weren't you complaining the other day that you didn't want them to make any noise in the living room so you could nap? You are clearly unhappy with the step situation but as a result it seems like the children can't do anything right.

SoupDragon · 18/04/2015 10:26

I can't speak to them because anytime I do they tell their mum who then goes baliatic because- how dare I tell her children off!!

You don't have to tell her off. Just a chat about how the new rule is that everyone should knock on a closed door to check its OK to go in. That applies to adults and children.

BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 10:34

Thing is always we generally do leave the bathroom doors open and it isn't unusual for someone to come in to pluck an eyebrow, have s chat, nick naice shwr gel, etc while someone else is showering. DH and I often have a catch up when he's in the bath in the morning because I bring him up a cuppa. I've taken my 19 yr old ds and his girlfriend tea in bed before now. And belly laughed with them about the old middle aged woman facilitating their luxury and rampant lust. We are an open home and even so I've never so much as seen them have a peck.

CalicoBlue · 18/04/2015 10:44

I can not see why you are getting such a hard time about this, you are completely entitled to your privacy. Having children and stepchildren does not change that. In fact with step children I think privacy and boundaries are even more important. My DD was told to knock on my and DH bedroom door as we did not want her walking in on DH naked when we first moved in together. Now all the kids are teenagers if their bedroom door is shut we knock and wait to be told it is ok to come in. That is just good manners.

My DSS and my DC all knock on my bedroom door before being told they can come in. Just as I do with them.

You do not have to be naked in front of anyone if you do not want to be!

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 10:54

That's up to you Beaufort
I like showering and bathing in peace without other people coming in.

paxtecum · 18/04/2015 10:57

Where is your DP when his DS is on his own in a bedroom watching a film and his DD is on her own in your bedroom messing about on her phone?

Could they not sit and watch a film together?

Maybe83 · 18/04/2015 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Findingpeace · 18/04/2015 11:37

Oh for crying out loud! Some people on the SP board are so ridiculous!

Of course the OP is entitled to privacy. Everyone is. There would be an outcry on here if the OP told us that she was cleaning her Dsd's room when her Dsd asked to leave so she could change and the OP walked back into get her dust rag and feels her dsd is being unreasonable for being upset.

Yes children sometimes forget but they need to be reminded and if their DF can't be bothered because he's a Disney dad well this makes things difficult. Unfortunately as a SM some of us can't have chats like this with our dsc without it taken badly no matter how sensitively it's approached. I'd have this chat with her anyway OP. Just explain that you will always knock on her door to give her privacy and you need the same thing.

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