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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Personal boundaries

91 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/04/2015 21:33

So I go to my room and dsd is on my bed on her phone. She shares a room with her brother and he is watching a film so she's been kicked out the room.

I asked her to go out so I could get changed for bed. Which she did. But I had just taken off my pants and she walked back in to pick up her bobble. I was mid change. I'm really angry because she knew what I was doing and it could have waited. I want dp to have a word with her and ask her to knock before entering our room. Is this too much to ask?

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Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 08:23

Jeanseberg am I not to get changed in my own room????

Our weekends have been testing because we haven't all been getting along and everyone is feeling put out by someone else. Dp and I had a lengthy chat about stuff and we agreed that this weekend we would try really hard to get along. Mostly I need to try and understand how the kids feel and how I can help them feel more comfortable here. The room thing is crap. The don't have their own space here. So like I say I dont like dsd in my room but I wasn't using it so if it gives her some space fine. But all I did was ask her to leave while I changed. Is this really too much to ask??

Maybe she genuinely forgot what I was doing. I have asked to dp to get kids to knock he won't do it. Says I'm being unreasonable. I think it's different when it's your own children. Some things are more tolerable when it's your own.

Maybe I shoud be happier that she feels comfortable enough to just walk in but I'm not comfortable with it at all.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 18/04/2015 08:28

You could have grabbed your things and got changed in the bathroom behind a locked door. If this weekend is supposed to be all about 'trying really hard' and 'understanding how the kids feel', why is it such a big deal?

Themrmen · 18/04/2015 08:32

For goodness sake, 11 is plenty old enough to understand please wait outside while I get changed. There is nothing they can do about the rooms so they'll just have to get along with sharing a bedroom. The op has every right to get changed in her room with privacy, why should she have to go to the bathroom or anywhere else to accommodate an 11 year old. I doubt it would have taken more than 10 mins, a time surely she can wait patiently for. I think you should speak to the dp again and explain how you feel, you are entitled to use your room however you wish with privacy

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 08:33

Because my personal space and privacy imo have been invaded. Sorry but if we are all to get along we need to have some sort of boundaries. Not just let the kids do whatever they want.

I shouldn't have to get changed in the bathroom.

I'm just going to have to accept dp won't do anything about it. I' ll need to let it go and hope it doesn't happen again.

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 18/04/2015 08:38

I think you need to reclaim your space and tell DSD she cannot use your room until she learns to respect your privacy, which she clearly doesn't.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 18/04/2015 08:38

No there's no need for the OP to do that. As long as she was polite to her DSD I see no harm at all in asking her for a brief moment of privacy and her DSD should be able to respect that at her age. It's not like she was banishing her from the room permanently.

hesterton · 18/04/2015 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgethesecond · 18/04/2015 08:43

I would have got changed in the bathroom too.

Do you have your own kids, OP? Or are your DP's kids the only ones in the family?

SoupDragon · 18/04/2015 08:45

The fact that she is a step daughter is irrelevant. You don't just open a bedroom door without having knocking and waiting for a reply when you know someone is changing inside. Even my 9 year old has known this from an early age!

If your DP won't talk to her,can you have a chat? Once you are no longer angry about it :) just say that you are happy for her to use your room but she must knock and wait for a reply if the door is shut as that means whoever is inside needs privacy. Stress that this works both ways and that you won't barge in other if the door is shut. At 11 she is going to be reaching the stage where she wants more privacy soon.

TisILeclerc · 18/04/2015 08:45

We're a very open family here when it comes to doors - my dcs have scant regard for them whether open or closed

What I really don't get though is why YOU can't say anything OP? If they're with you half the time, surely you don't get your dp to talk to them about every little thing? Wouldn't it encourage them to respect you and your boundaries more of you actually dealt with it? Why can't you just say 'dsd, sweetheart, when I'm in my room with the door closed it's because I'd like a bit of privacy. When you want to come in, if the door is closed could you knock please and then I can tell you if its appropriate for you to come in. Thank you'. I don't see why that would be such a big deal. In fact, much less of a big deal than you asking your dp to wade in

I do agree with other posters though. She needs her own space. At 11 it's imperative that you work out a way of doing that.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 08:52

Is letting her use our room not a way of doing that?

I can't speak to them because anytime I do they tell their mum who then goes baliatic because- how dare I tell her children off!!

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 18/04/2015 09:09

Difficult one. I can't imagine having to share my space with DSC

Indeed, one of the things i cherished most when DSS moved out again after a few months with us to clear debts, was that, beyond the front door, I had my space back.

The thing that i think makes it even more difficult, is that she doesn't have her own private space in the house, while you do. She is infringing on yours...

Is there nothing that can give her her own space? Headphones for brother to watch movie, curtain down the middle of the room. Anything?

It would be easier to remind them about respecting privacy, if she had some to start with. Hope you can work something out.

Wdigin2this · 18/04/2015 09:18

I think a few comments above are a bit harsh! Yes in an ideal world Always would provide each DSC with their own bedroom, but obviously (like a lot of blended families) that's not financially possible at the moment! The issue wasn't 'just over a bobble' or about Always expecting too much, it's about boundaries and house rules generally which need to be understood by everyone, and more importantly, DP parenting properly and explaining them to his DC in a way they can appreciate and take on board!

Momagain1 · 18/04/2015 09:18

OMG, an 11 year old makes an error typical for her age, and probably was as embarrassed as you. just flipping have a conversation with her.

The 'step' part of it is irrelevent, especially since you guys seem to have 50/50 time. If they are around that much, you need to step up to the task of halftime mothering that you signed up for when you married him. Your dh cannot serve as a constant referee as if he is parenting two little girls.

JeanSeberg · 18/04/2015 09:19

Because my personal space and privacy imo have been invaded

When does your dsd get privacy? Someone to get changed in private? What about when she starts her periods, if she hasn't already?

Is there nowhere for a sofa bed?

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 09:21

I get she needs her own space and as I've said she can use our room when we're not using it unfortunately it's the best we can do. She could have been in her room with headphones on her iPhone. But it was doing no harm being in our room. (Until obviously I done the worst thing ever and asked for 5 minutes to get changed)

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 09:24

When she is in her room getting changed we don't go in neither does her brother. She can also use our room if we're not using it.

Feel like a broken record now.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 18/04/2015 09:27

By the way Always, I'm assuming the DSC have twin beds so is there any way you could rig up a a full length curtain down the centre of the room, moving the furniture appropriately? You could give DSS the first part of the room so that he never needs to 'invade' his sisters territory, but how you'd deal with TV etc I'm not sure! Far from ideal I appreciate, but at 11 she really needs some space to call her own!

BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 09:30

I think I stopped having personal space and privacy the day my children were born. It's part of being a parent. I get it's harder when they aren't yours but they are the children in this and they are the ones whose parents aren't together any more. I think you lost your claim to personal space and privacy when you took on your DH. I'm sorry but the children come first. I didn't when I acquired a step parent - that was more than 40 years ago and I still resent it.

Justusemyname · 18/04/2015 09:34

You need a lock. End of.

Themrmen · 18/04/2015 09:35

Surely she can change tanpons etc in bathroom, the fact is she shares a room, that's it, millions of children do it and are fine, why does that mean the op can't use her bedroom for 10 minutes to get changed in private. Surely the dsd can say to her brother can I have 10 mins to get changed in their room if needed.

needaholidaynow · 18/04/2015 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MythicalKings · 18/04/2015 09:39

Not understanding why people care more about a child's privacy than the adult here. Your room, you rules, OP. DSD will have to put up with it.

RitaOrange · 18/04/2015 09:50

Totally disagree that you lose all rights to privacy if you have DC - mine are all older now and we have always knocked if a bedroom door is shut .
I have never had an audience while on the loo or changing my mooncup
If I have a bath I want one in bloody peace to read my book
No doubt this will be seen as uptight and "british" on here but if you have teenagers they like their own privacy, although DS2 walks about in his pants

Its basic manners to knock- it goes both ways in our house.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 09:55

"Children come first"
"You knew what you were getting into"

1st off I know the kids come first that's fine I accept that.
2ndly I knew I was taking on children I however could not forsee the future therefore didn't know exactly what I was getting myself in for.
3rdly everyone in this house is entiltled to privacy. No one has said dsd can't have her own space. If she needs to change she can in her own room.

OP posts:

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