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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Difficult Situation What Would You Do?

23 replies

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 12:40

Dss is 16 and doesn't want to visit his mum or stepdad. We have been accused by them of turning dss against them

Dss wants to see his mother and half sibling but does not want to meet up with his stepdad, stepbrother and stepsister.

Obviously they are not happy with that and I can understand that dss stepdad would like dss to have a relationship with all his siblings.

We had a 50/50 arrangement up until dss 16th birthday when he chose to live here full time.

I can understand why dss mother is upset but we are not to blame for him not wanting to visit. They want us to make dss visit them but we did not agree because me and dh don't think this would help solve the problem. They want us to continue the 50/50 situation.

So how would you deal with the situation, any advice is welcome.

Thank you

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Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 13:41

Anybody?

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 13:46

Not much you can do really except encourage him to maybe see his mum and half sibling without the other as, maybe your DP could talk to his mum to see why she won't let that happen.

Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 14:57

Well dss did say he would see mum and half sibling but she doesn't want that. Dh had long conversation with her yesterday. Your right about their not being much you can do.

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Gibble1 · 12/04/2015 15:00

I'd be wanting to know why. After all, he wants to see his mum and siblings but is prepared not to rather than see his SD and SSs which would be ringing alarm bells for me.
I would mention that to his DM too.

madamtremain · 12/04/2015 15:16

Does he not say why? It's does seem strange.

If he was under 16 I'd say make him - kids shouldn't get to choose if to see a parent or not. But at his age I guess it's up to him. Sad though.

Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 15:27

I have only moved in 7 months ago but I have been seeing dh for over 2 years and married a year ago.

As far as I am aware dss and his stepdad don't get along. I am not sure particularly what the stepdad has done will ask dss and dh.

I agree with what your all saying. I have only met the stepdad once when I dropped dss off their once. But when he did live their he was always moody when it was a Sunday evening (one week here one week with them).

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 15:31

I guess if DP has tried to make her see reason and she won't put her Ds first, then Dss should be allowed to not see her. He shouldn't be forced to see the new partner if he doesn't want to, he is 16 after all and presumably a reasonable kid?

PeruvianFoodLover · 12/04/2015 15:59

I'd be very worried, tbh - presumably, your DSS stepdad has played a significant role in his life, and they've been members of the same family for some time?

The fact that there are younger DCs still in the household is a concern - it may be nothing more than teenage angst (in which case, he shouldn't be allowed to manipulate his mum and she needs to decide if she's going to accomodate him) but it could be a sign of something a lot more significant.

It wouldn't hurt to put a call into SocServ asking for advice; if it's nothing, then it can't hurt, but if it's something significant, then it needs to be addressed.

If a teen/child was refusing to spend time with any other resident family member (a father or brother, for instance), there would be significant concerns. It shouldn't be dismissed, just because it's a step-relationship.

lunar1 · 12/04/2015 15:59

He's 16, so there is nothing that you can really do to force the issue. However if the mum won't meet up with the son without the stepdad then there is probably a good reason your dad feels the way he does.

lunar1 · 12/04/2015 16:00

Dss not dad!!

NorahDentressangle · 12/04/2015 16:03

Not diminishing the problem but quite often sons (and daughters come to that) have fall outs with parents at that age - my DH 'left home' at that age and slept in a park for a bit. In a single household they don't have an option to move out as there isn't anywhere to go.

Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 16:25

Okay the reason why dss doesn't get along with his stepdad is that he says stepdad and step siblings gang up on him. He said that stepdad is strict to him but not to his dc.
I asked if these are the only issues he said yes.

I asked him if he would go and visit for just a day out or something he said he would visit the whole family but would rather just visit mum.

I think this is because of a general dislike that dss has of his stepdad and maybe a bit of teenage muniplation. I think it's really sad dss feels like this and sad that dss mum doesn't stand up for him in their house but that's their parenting and we can't interfere with that.

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Andro · 12/04/2015 16:48

So he doesn't want to go to a house where he is bullied and subjected to double standards?

Sounds fair enough to me, I wouldn't willingly subject either myself or one of my children to such an environment if there was the option not to.

Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 16:54

I agree Andro but it's sad that dss mum has allowed that to happen

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Canyouforgiveher · 12/04/2015 16:58

He is 16 so you can't force him.
I think it is sad that his mother wouldn't - at least for a while - value her relationship with him over the feelings of her partner and step children. Surely it is better that he meets up with his mum alone than not at all. Wouldn't she start with meeting him by himself and then after a while maybe ask him to come to a family dinner or something. In reality, the solution to this lies with his mum compromising. not you and your partner forcing him.

Andro · 12/04/2015 17:08

It is undoubtedly very sad, but the priority has to be your DSS. The damage caused by being bullied - more so by his mother permitting it - cannot be overstated. Support him, with your dh model a healthy dynamic and later, if he wants to, help him build a new relationship with his mother.

You sound as though you really care, he's fortunate to have that.

Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 17:09

I agree can you it is the mum compromising, i can't believe she had the cheek to accuse us of turning dss against her when she never stood to her dh's double standards and ganging up.

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inthename · 12/04/2015 17:15

Unfortunately it happens and there is not much you can do as mum has for whatever reason prioritised her relationship over what your dss is asking.
I have a slightly younger ds (13) he lives with me and goes regularly to dad and step mum. All the issues we've had with him not wanting to go in the past year have been because of things step mum has been doing, saying (calling ds fat slob, saying he looks at her funny etc etc) and then dad effectively siding with his wife so that ds feels that shes creating an atmosphere every time he visits, which in his teenage mind then equates to not wanting to go into that atmosphere or meet up with the person causing it. It then causes further turmoil as they want to see the other parent but not the other person.... and the adult other parent then choses not to meet the teen at half way even for a little while, so you end up with a stand off Encourage him to keep the lines of communication open, maybe get him to do indirect contact with mum (phone calls etc) and see if she'd meet him for coffee etc as it takes the pressure off and hopefully mum won't react like she is choosing between the two quite so much

CalicoBlue · 12/04/2015 18:18

My DS (17) stopped going to his fathers about 6 months ago. Nothing sinister at all, he just wanted to stop moving around and wanted to stay at home. Luckily his father did not blame me and we had to work at them spending time together. I suggested that his father forget about over night contact and tried to think of things they could do together. Now they see each other and have gone fishing, walks, lunch etc and now DS is taking about staying at his fathers again.

Maybe get his mother to realise that she needs to take small steps, he is too old to be told what to do. They could meet up for a coffee or a walk and take it from there. She should also talk to her Dh about being nicer to DS.

Romeyroo · 12/04/2015 18:31

I think I would listen to DSS and let him make the choices from here. One of the reasons I left my second marriage was because I could see DD (my DD) being treated more harshly than her stepsister and half brother; it became worse after her half brother was born. So I would not force him to do anything; suggest, yes, but not force. DD has no contact now with Xh, although she occasionally sees her stepsister with me; she won't go there.

Original poster

Jacobsmum1972 · 12/04/2015 19:14

We are going to let dss make his own choices about visits and arrangements. I just can't imagine why some step parents are unashamedly mean.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 12/04/2015 19:34

I think the best thing would be if your DH could persuade his ex to meet up with DSS alone at first at least, to give him a chance to talk to her and explain why he's unhappy. It's very hard to really know what's going on in another household, but she ought to be in a position to understand.

If she refuses to even meet DSS without her DH and step siblings, I can't see you could force him, and not sure I'd want to force him to go into a household where he's unhappy if his DM's not willing to try to understand what's wrong.

He's definitely old enough that he should be able to explain direct to his DM why he's unhappy rather than your DH having to mediate, which his DM clearly sees as manipulating the situation. Much harder for her to claim that if she's talking direct to DSS.

inthename · 12/04/2015 19:41

I've never understood it either. My ds step mum chose to marry a man with a child, she has 2 older girls of her own, so all I can think is she thought ds wouldn't be around much as she asked her own dd's to leave home as soon as they were 16. ds also looks like me and ex h has told I right load of bull as to why we split, so perhaps the step parent just ends up taking their frustrations out on the child rather than the partner.

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