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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dreading contact restarting

21 replies

Imperialleather2 · 11/04/2015 23:20

Dh has just been to court and got access EOW.

We haven't seen as (11)for 2 years after his mother assaulted me and I absolutely dreading him coming over.
His mother is very difficult and has in the past used ss as a conduit for her general.vile behaviour.

I feel.sick at the thought of and the stress that will follow ss coming round. We've got 2dc of our own (5&3) so it's not that easy for me to bugger off for the weekend.

How to do I deal.with these feelings? Please help

OP posts:

FeelTheNoise · 11/04/2015 23:24

I'm watching this with interest as DP will get access to his children at some point in the future (ex moved countries without permission) and it fills me with horror

It should be a happy event, but when you really are under attack your fear does take over. DP will visit his DC soon, and they will at some point be back in the country, and while I'll be happy for him, I'll also be bloody terrified

CountingThePennies · 11/04/2015 23:27

Oh god. Not a nice place to be in.

I know its not the step childs fault but could you avoid pick up and drop offs at your house?

That way exp wont see you or be coming to the house?

olgaga · 12/04/2015 00:56

Does your DH know you feel this way? I'm struggling to think why he would go to court for EOW access if so.

Why doesn't he want to just meet and spend a nice day out with his son EOW and maybe take him for tea once a week?

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 12/04/2015 01:00

Really olgaga, you know know why a father would want to spend real time with his child?

Quesera21 · 12/04/2015 06:08

OP - v difficult but your issue is with the mother not the child.

olgaga - why? because it is his son, maybe he knows what the ex is like and wants to help his son. Maybe he just wants to parent his son. Meeting him for day out and taking hin for tea is ounishing the child not the EX. That is not parenting your child that is disney, I am an uncle not a dad parenting - it is crap - believe me.

Hopefully, the OPs partner has put in place some safety mechanisms so that his DP is not put at risk as suggested but to punish the child for the parents dislike is not on.

madamtremain · 12/04/2015 08:17

It's not as simple as saying "your issue is with the mother not the child". In cases like this the child is often completely enmeshed with their parent and this makes it hard for the step parent to separate the two. Op says dss has been used as a conduit by his mother which makes her feel very nervous and understandably. No, it's not his fault. And of course dad wants to spend time with his son.but that doesn't change how op feels.
I had all of these feelings and that was without a history of violent assault!
Op, can you arrange to do other things with the children whilst your DH rebuilds his relationship with his son? It might be better anyway not to try to launch in to family life?

Quesera21 · 12/04/2015 09:13

I agree - but we are missing a lot of information in this case. I am not expecting the OP to share the details.

There must be a reason the father has chased contact and the issue is the mother not the child.

My Ex has been a complete twunt and his new DP has emotionally and verbally abused our DCs. However, my issues with his twuntish behaviour and her crap, are with him and her, not denying the children contact with the father because of my issues. It is bloody difficult. They deserve a relations hip with their Dad.

I take a deep breath when they go down to his place and prepare for the fall out after. My DCs are now old enough to say no - to some of the previous behaviours and can now. The anger and sometimes violence that returns because of issues down their.

madamtremain · 12/04/2015 11:36

She isn't saying she doesn't think her DH should have contact with his son. She is nervous at the prospect of a practical stranger coming in to her home. The son of someone who physically assaulted her. At11 my dasd was already stealing from me, taking "candid" photos of me to show her mum that mum would then bring up in abusive and insulting very personal text and email attacks on me and my husband and my much younger dd.

madamtremain · 12/04/2015 11:38

I totally get why you're worried op. I think you and your husband should work out a way for he and his son to build their relationship before you and your house is too involved. Then I think you'll feel much more secure about things.

CalicoBlue · 12/04/2015 18:23

I would suggest making lots of plans for your and your DC for the first few contact weekends. Let DSS and his father have time together to help build their relationship, suggest they go out for the day too.

Be there and be nice but try not to get involved with anything that involves his mother, do not even mention her or get into any conversations about her.

Often things are not as bad as we anticipate. Good luck.

Quesera21 · 13/04/2015 04:04

Agree with Calico

Your DP needs to put the mechanisms in place for you to feel safe,define what is acceptable behaviour by his DS and for his DS to have a relationship with his father and his siblings.

It is NOT the child's fault.

Wdigin2this · 13/04/2015 14:17

I would really ensure your DP understands that his child is obviously welcome in your joint home, but not his mother..in body or spirit. Make sure DP picks him up/drops off at EX's home so she has no reason to come near you! As for your DSS, reading your OP again, I'm not sure if you mean that DSS is abusive towards you, because of his mother's influence, or if what he says when he goes home to his mother will cause problems. If it's the former, your DP has to make sure he understands the true situation, if it's the latter, then how will she make trouble...phone calls, turning up...??

madamtremain · 14/04/2015 19:56

I'm not so sure you can keep a mother's spirit out when her child is in your home. Good or bad your child carries you with it and that's the problem for a lot of us.

daisychain01 · 15/04/2015 21:25

A very difficult situation for you imperial - I'd suggest all you can do is to take things one step at a time, as this situation will be a long-term one between your DP and his DS to re-build and restore their relationship. 2 years is a long time in a child's life. The main thing now your DP knows he has access sorted out, that he - and you all - can start to build a routine.

Why doesn't he want to just meet and spend a nice day out with his son EOW and maybe take him for tea once a week?

OMG - either this was a GF comment or a view from back in the 1950's, or maybe I'm just reading it wrong!! It assumes the DF only wants a peripheral role in their DCs lives for a few hours a week (or less) - what we know is

(a) more and more DF's are getting 50/50 residency nowadays;
(b) Many DFs want to have hands-on involvement in the upbringing of their DCs;
(c) DCs can benefit from a balanced childhood if both parents are motivated to be involved (and can get over their differences).

Queenofknickers · 15/04/2015 21:31

OP this sounds really difficult. My advice as a fellow stepmum is make sure YOU have some support other than DP - sympathetic friend to go out for coffee with on access weekends etc. I hope DP is supportive but in my experience it can (understandably) hard for DP and you need unconditional support yourself.

PeruvianFoodLover · 15/04/2015 23:04

OMG - either this was a GF comment or a view from back in the 1950's, or maybe I'm just reading it wrong!! It assumes the DF only wants a peripheral role in their DCs lives for a few hours a week

It my be an "old fashioned" view, daisy, but it isn't that unusual, based on comments I've read here on MN, and more widely.

The problem is, even if, as you so rightly say, dads want more involvement, and there is evidence to support it's value to DCs, unless both parents are willing to activity support and implement it, I think that the value to the DCs is limited.

Having read some of the drawn out, hostile and downright nasty court cases that take place, I often wonder about the value of enforced contact between a DC and their dad over and above the contact that their mum is willing to offer.

In the OPs case, would it be better that the OPs DSS has contact with his Dad in a way and at a frequency that his mum is comfortable with, or will enforced contact ordered by the court - that creates hostility between the parents and emotional turmoil (and subsequent behaviour and associated issues) for the DC - be more valuable to the DSS in the long term?

I fully agree that the ideal is that the DC spends frequent, meaningful time with both parents, but when one parent doesn't agree with that, does it continue to be of value to the DC?

daisychain01 · 16/04/2015 14:32

I often wonder about the value of enforced contact between a DC and their dad over and above the contact that their mum is willing to offer

My point speaks to your comment above peruvian - that the assumption in the past was always that the mother would be the person who gave "permission" to the father for access.

I believe (and hope it continues) that society is moving towards greater equity such that the DF isn't at the mercy of the DM having the ability to hold him to ransom through bitterness and wanting to "get their own back" (as was the situation my DP was faced with) - thankfully he did secure 50/50 care and I can vouch for the fact my DSS has benefited immensely.

Despite the "pain", stress etc, what DSS always knows is that his DF was motivated enough to get 50/50, no matter what it took - stability in between 'hand-overs' was maintained - I agree it doesn't always work out like this, but increasingly there is precedence of the success stories.

sakura · 17/04/2015 16:23

Why would the mother and father be equal when it is the mother's body carrying the baby . I'm not trying to troll. I genuinely don't understand how anyone could believe that the mother and father are equal parents.
And given how many mothers struggle along without even seeing a penny of child maintenance, and how many fathers simply opt out of parent and by law are allowed to, it is very much the case that fathers can opt in or out as and when they choose.
Or rather, they can opt out or in and there's not much the mother can do about it either way. If the dad decides to opt in the mother has to deal with him having say over her children's lives. If he decides to opt out, she has to face life in poorer circumstances.

PeruvianFoodLover · 17/04/2015 20:10

I completely accept that is your genuine pov, and that you are not trolling.

You have, possibly inadvertently, helped me to illustrate the point I was trying to make.

I can only imagine the kind of emotional chaos and conflict a child must to through if their Mum shares your pov, while at the same time, their Dad is fighting the way that daisys DP has.

What must that child be thinking? They have to decide which one of their parents they believe is right, and which they think is wrong.

Their parents hold such vastly different views that no matter what the DC says, does or feels, one of their parents is going to be hurt, upset or angry.

I can't imagine any child in that situation survives childhood unscathed.

daisychain01 · 19/04/2015 02:55

I agree Peruvian, and likewise I respect Sakura's POV but to your point peruvian, it isn't only about the parents, and their "rights", the child ideally needs the relationship of both parents, even in the many permutations of arrangements that can exist in marital / relationship breakdowns. The child does come out better for the balance between DM and DF.

I know MN is full of the awful experiences meted out on the DM at the hands of feckless DFs who don't live up to their responsibilities but IME of having been made aware of the other side, through Families Need Fathers, there are many DFs who yearn for the relationship with their DCs and have to fight for that right.

PeruvianFoodLover · 19/04/2015 09:29

daisy my point isn't the parent rights, though - it is entirely child focused.

When parents are in conflict, a child is caught in the middle. I'm not convinced that the benefits of a relationship with both parents, when those parents are in constant conflict, outweighs the damage done to the child by maintaining contact in that situation.

Obviously, in an ideal situation, the parents would set aside their hostility. But when then don't, is a childhood littered with bitterness, conflict, emotional distress and court hearings more beneficial than an absent parent?

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