Hate being a stepmum

[Beth2511]

because of how much I love DSD. She is so funny, kind and beautiful I love her to bits.

Her mum is far from ideal and I wish I could be the mum she deserves and I wish I didn't always have to take a step back on parenting issues, OH needs help combating DSD's mum but I know it cant be me. I wish I could step in and fight for her too as she deserves so much better.

Find it so hard being a step mum because I care too much about her.

How silly do I sound?

I think what I'm trying to say is I feel so powerless and only want the best for her.

You don't sound silly but prepare for not everyone to like what you're saying. I'm a stepmum too and I totally get what you are expressing but we are damned if we do and damned if we don't! Ignore the haters and concentrate on having a lovely relationship with your DSD - that does the most good. A child can never have enough people to love her.

I think it's lovely, though I see your frustration.

You're right, as a stepmum you are powerless. It is a very tough role - especially when issues arise in the DCs life where they need an advocate and someone to fight their corner.
At those times, stepparents have to step back and leave the parents to do their job - and no matter how much you love your stepDC, you cannot influence the situation. If one (or both) parents make choices and decisions that are detrimental to the DC, it can be incredibly hard to stand by, knowing that the child will be hurt.

I often compare stepparenting to fostering - your influence begins and ends at your door; you can create a loving, secure environment while they are in your care, but you have no decision making responsibility, and no influence once they leave your home.

If I were ever a stepmum again, I would try and remain emotionally detached from my DSC - easier said than done, though!

don't know your situation but I do feel the same way wrt my dsc. their mum is an unmitigated nightmare most of the time and they suffer low level neglect (imo) at her hands. and yet I can do nothing except sit on my hands and sew my gob shut.

any action taken has to come from dp and tbh after years of emotional abuse at her hands he is terrified of upsetting the apple cart. I would love to involve the correct authorities and either have dsc's live with us or at the very least get them to give their mum a bloody good wake up call so she steps up and parents them rather than ignoring them and expecting me to do all the mothering.

you are doing the right thing by keeping your mouth shut and just supporting your dp and dsd though. it is that that will be appreciated by her and remembered as she grows up

I don't know. I used to write things like this at the beginning... But as dad got more and more badly behaved and took on more and more of her mums traits I realised that my claim that it annoyed me simply because I wanted the best for dsd was bullshit.

What I wanted was to be able to run my home in the way I wanted to. To be the mother of the house, give discipline where it was needed and have the say so I thought I deserved in my home. The less control I had the less I liked being a step parent.

I am massively projecting here but what I am trying to say is try to detach. You may not care as much as you think you do.

madam are you me? You have just described my life!

Ha! Maybe feelthenoise

Hmmmm it sounds like "the lady doth protest too much" to me . I reiterate what madam said, I hate the fact that I somtimes feel as though I have so little control of how I parent my DD.

Step parents (particularly step mums) get a lot of flack, it's bloody hard work with a lot of different factors/feelings at play. I am close to my DSD and do my best not to let my negative feelings towards her DM disintegrate our good relationship. Her DM has caused a lot of upset and played a lot of mind games with ALL of us. There are a lot of factors at play regarding step parenting, a lot of feelings too.

You have worded your OP carefully but unfortunately, on MN as a step parent, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I am a step parent and I will stand up for my dss, absolutely.

They don't stay children forever and as a step mum I will always be there for dss as much as I am there for my 2 dc.

Really why should we get any flack for giving children a safe and loving environment?

So I am not afraid of speaking out, dsd's mother is never going to be someone who gives unconditional love, she is just not emotionally and mentally aware of herself enough. I will continue to help dss to navigate this in a positive manner.

Not all step mums are wicked witches, not all mothers are loving women.