To be saddened by what my 5 YO SD told me when I picked her up this morning

[Peppapigsbitch]

We picked DSD up on the friday afternoon that the schools broke up. We had her all of the way through to Monday afternoon then we drove her back to her mums (they moved 60 miles away about 1.5 years ago - her mum refuses to pick her up or drop her off unless we pay her petrol money to do so) everything regarding DSD is done via mutual agreement - no CSA, no courts etc. I dont nessecarily agree with the way that everything is on DH's ex's terms but it hasn't really got anything to do with me so I've never gotten involved before. I figured that DSD seemed happy enough and that was all that mattered.

I picked her up again this morning (we will have her until Sunday evening) DPs ex rang and said that we could have her. She got into the car no problems said bye to mum etc, I did think she was a bit quieter than usual but thought she was maybe tired. About 10 minutes into the drive home she absolutely broke down into sobbing, upset tears "I heard mummy say I'm a bad girl and that she doesn't want me so she's sending me to my daddy's house, mummy doesn't want me anymore." Don't get me wrong she can be very challenging at times aren't all five year olds but I'm upset for her.

Her parents split up when she was a tiny baby - she's been passed from pillar to post since then, before they moved from our area (they were only 6 miles down the road) we had her 4/5 nights per week and then she would often stay at her grandparents or aunties for the remainder of the week. I always worried whether it would do her any harm but felt it wasn't my place to say anything.

Back to the car, I pulled in and tried to reassure her that mummy was just mad and that when people are mad they say things that they really don't mean and that mummy loves her to bits etc.

She doesn't seem to see DSD a great deal but she calls the shots re arrangements. We have her every weekend and suggested to her that we could maybe have her EOW which meant that they would get some quality time together too but she said that she had "things to do" on a weekend. This can't be right

So she doesn't work, doesn't have more children, yet she is exhausted and need time for herself? Who knows, maybe she suffers from depression and is struggling.

It is sad that her mum doesn't seem as bothered to spend more time with her, but that doesn't forcibly makes her a bad mother and she is very lucky to have such an understanding step-mum.

I think many resident parent look forward to a 'break' when on their own, especially if they are working, but most parents do miss their kids and do look forward to them coming back.

I know that i could never have said such a thing, however annoyed I was with my children's behaviour just before they went away for days as I would feel terrible that they could think I was pleased to get rid of them. Did she not call that evening to tell her she loved her?

In anycase, she is the mother she is and you are doing the right thing that telling your SDS that her mum does love her as she probably does in her own way. She will form her own opinions of her maternal attitude as she gets older.

Okay, yes, it's hard not to be a little quizzical about 3 days out of 17...

In practice, I think you handled it well. And the only option for tweaking contact days around is for DP and her to talk about it. Would it be an option for you and DP to have DSD during a school week sometimes, so that you could offer her weekends instead of week days?

isitme DSD lives with her DM 60 miles away so it isn't practical for us to have her during the school week. Before they moved we were having her 4/5 nights per week.

Perhaps she is depressed, I had depression after DD was born, I was absolutely beside myself as we were still having DSD at the time and she was understandably a wee bit jealous of baby sister and was tough to deal with. DPs job really didn't help. DSDs mum seems happy enough in herself etc but as I know that means nothing!

DSDs DM isn't in the habit of calling or even texting to see how she is which I've always found odd too - I would be ringing every day haha!

*if she is ok which I've always found odd - sorry, stupid me iPad!

Hi OP, I don't think you are being harsh or judgemental towards DSD's mother at all. From the facts you've told us, it sounds like she is not a good parent. She doesn't want to spend time with her daughter, doesn't make her feel loved, in fact makes her unhappy by the sounds of it. You say the mother's behaviour is odd, have you considered the possibility that she has a mental health issue like narcissistic or borderline personality disorder? This could explain her behaviour and the affect she has on DSD.

I think you really need to discuss this with your partner. He is her father after all. I think you said he doesn't do much parenting - is that because he works long hours or travels for work? I would be concerned that DSD is being neglected by both her biological parents. You can't do anything about her mother, but you could encourage her father to spend more time with her. I think with a mother like that, it will need the two of you to repair her self-esteem and well-being.

You also said that your partner just goes along with his ex and doesn't want to challenge her when it comes to custody, residency or other arrangements. This suggests to me that she is difficult to deal with (another reason I wondered about NPD or BPD) but that doesn't mean he should give up, in fact it's all the more reason for him to stick up for his daughter and make sure she gets the love and support she needs and deserve. If he finds her difficult to deal with, imagine how hard it must be for a 5 year old.

I'm sure there are lots of threads in relationships with examples of people who have been damaged by neglectful, mentally unwell or emotionally abusive parents. The situation might not be so bad for your DSD but know what the warning signs are so you can look out for them and give her the support she needs.

I think she's not dealing well with being a single mum on her own looking after her dd. she actually wishes dd could be with you and her ex more to give her a break (which is what this trip was about) but can't have that happen because she needs the money that being resident parent brings her. I reckon she's blown up after dd has pushed her buttons and acted badly. To be fair it's not a bad thing that she had the common sense to call and ask if you guys could have her before things got out of hand.

Depending on your money situation (and whether you really want to do the best thing for your dsd - I'm not saying I would!) then you could offer to have her as much as travel/school/work allows, but keep it unofficial so mums money isn't affected.

Personally though I'd rather go to court for 50/50 minimum, which it doesn't sound like you and your DH could manage. Or you need to give your dsd love and care when she's with you and detach from her mother and what her mother does with her.

I was in a very similar circumstance myself for a long time and to be quite honest unless your DH is prepared to go for "main parent" then there's not a lot you can do.

I also agree with Emma. You can't fill the hole for the two parents she has already. Fair enough your DH has to work but what would he do if you weren't around? A lot of companies understand that men have child care responsibilities now. He needs to lap end some time being a parent

I think you did the right thing how can you not tell a child that without evidence she doesn't.

I know from my own DS how I can often here half a story which does not include any part that makes him look bad.

It may of been one of those comments she shouldn't of made but did after a very long day. It is the sort of thing kids cling to and take to heart.

Yes I think speak to OH about this.

Re wish she would ask for help maybe she needs it to be offered

She's not a single parent per sé. She has a partner who lives with her, DSD talks about him quite a lot,they seem to have a pretty good relationship with regards to what DSD says about him.

DP was annoyed with DSDs DM yesterday because she sent a text saying "make sure you put plenty of sun cream on "Chloe". I WILL NOT be happy if she is whinging when she comes home because she's burnt." We've always put sun cream on her and she's never burnt whilst in our care. That text is coming from the woman who feeds her daughter that much crap and is that lax with brushing her teeth that in the last year or so, just about all of her baby teeth are rotten! They are brown at the top and look like they have big chunks missing out of them. The woman who sends her daughter in clothes that don't fasten and come half way up her belly because they're too small!

Jesus why hasn't he gone to court for residency? If I treated my dd like that her dad would be in there quicker than I could say "Jeremy Kyle!"

^this!

It makes me really sad that he knows his daughter is being neglected by his mother, but he isn't fighting tooth and nail for her.

Poor, poor girl.

by her mother, I meant

The clothes thing is fairly common. It's a conversation I've had with a lot of my other friends who are step mums and I've experienced it too... family events where we come to collect her and she's wearing filthy, ill fitting, scruffy, mis matched clothes and all the nice clothes we've bought and sent back to her house are mysteriously lost, dirty or at another relative's house.

aerial yes. Our refusal to send her back in I'll fitting clothes bites us in the bum as when we buy new ones and send her back I them we don't see them again! The amount of money I spend on clothes for her is ridiculous!