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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To be saddened by what my 5 YO SD told me when I picked her up this morning

65 replies

Peppapigsbitch · 08/04/2015 15:22

We picked DSD up on the friday afternoon that the schools broke up. We had her all of the way through to Monday afternoon then we drove her back to her mums (they moved 60 miles away about 1.5 years ago - her mum refuses to pick her up or drop her off unless we pay her petrol money to do so) everything regarding DSD is done via mutual agreement - no CSA, no courts etc. I dont nessecarily agree with the way that everything is on DH's ex's terms but it hasn't really got anything to do with me so I've never gotten involved before. I figured that DSD seemed happy enough and that was all that mattered.

I picked her up again this morning (we will have her until Sunday evening) DPs ex rang and said that we could have her. She got into the car no problems said bye to mum etc, I did think she was a bit quieter than usual but thought she was maybe tired. About 10 minutes into the drive home she absolutely broke down into sobbing, upset tears "I heard mummy say I'm a bad girl and that she doesn't want me so she's sending me to my daddy's house, mummy doesn't want me anymore." Don't get me wrong she can be very challenging at times aren't all five year olds but I'm upset for her.

Her parents split up when she was a tiny baby - she's been passed from pillar to post since then, before they moved from our area (they were only 6 miles down the road) we had her 4/5 nights per week and then she would often stay at her grandparents or aunties for the remainder of the week. I always worried whether it would do her any harm but felt it wasn't my place to say anything.

Back to the car, I pulled in and tried to reassure her that mummy was just mad and that when people are mad they say things that they really don't mean and that mummy loves her to bits etc.

She doesn't seem to see DSD a great deal but she calls the shots re arrangements. We have her every weekend and suggested to her that we could maybe have her EOW which meant that they would get some quality time together too but she said that she had "things to do" on a weekend. This can't be right

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 08/04/2015 22:06

Well obviously I do have some negative thoughts towards DSDs mum. But I think that I have good reason for this.

DSDs mum has pretty crap parents, neither bother with her any more, her mum chucked her out at 16 and I don't think she's seen either parent since before DSD was born which is sad. Although I don't agree with the way she calls the shots and her attitude sometimes, I do feel that she probably needs some more support. I just wish she'd ask for it!! I think it would be a good idea for DH to have a word with her so that we are all on the same page, in the loop etc

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner · 09/04/2015 06:55

So how many days do you and dH have your DSD for over a normal month ?

AerialGymnastics · 09/04/2015 07:11

You definitely did the right thing telling your dsd that her mummy loves her. But a conversation is really needed with her mother. For a start you're Co parenting... A couple would talk about child issues so being separate shouldn't prevent that. I know it's difficult (my dsd's mother appears to believe I'm hell spawn and won't speak to me haha) but there's ways around it... you could start with "dsd mentioned that you guys had a row. Is there anything about it we should know in case it happens at our house too." It feels non accusatory and opens a dialogue as to why she might have said this to the child. And she might just have a chat with dsd to tall about what happened....

My dsd gets "dumped" on me all weekend too. I'm always delighted to have her as she's mostly a pleasure and my dp is her daddy so I have no business saying when he can or can't have her... but yeah Mother doesn't work weekends but needs her space and time to relax and socialise and be a normal person without kids (her words). Boils my piss....

Mehitabel6 · 09/04/2015 07:13

I am amazed that anyone can think it wrong to reassure a 5 yr old by saying their mother 'loves them to bits'. You did the right thing.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 09/04/2015 07:41

aerial you must be in a very similar situation to me. DSDs mum used the exact word to us too "I need my down time and space". I have a 20 month old DD and have barely spent a day away from her since she was born. I would want to,have her EOW so that I could spend some quality time with her. I asked if she wanted DSD back on Saturday - a day early so that she could have a day with her before she goes back to school but she said no. DSD is happy enough here etc but I'm just wondering what damage being away from her mum is doing to her, you only get one mum and I'm certainly not trying to be a replacement!!

OP posts:
AerialGymnastics · 09/04/2015 08:04

Yep @peppa it rang so true for my situation.

I don't know how old your dsd is but mine is now at the age where she's becoming very aware of the difference in love, care and attention between the two homes. I feel awful that I'm potentially showing her mother up, but I can't lower the standard of care I give dsd on those grounds. I've noticed in the last year that dsd now has a tendency to tell us and complain about mother's antics... "mummy doesn't want me tonight as she wants to go out" "mummy promised me a girls night in but I won't ever get it because her new bf will be there." It's heart breaking and when you get to that age telling them that mummy does love them starts to look very hollow. We still tell her that but explain that people love each other in different ways and they don't always make sense. We also remind dsd of all the wonderful things that Mummy does do for her. It's hard to do when we have her all weekend because she doesn't get the quality fun time with her mother and she gets it all with us, but we do try.

One thing to be wary of... If your families (not you) spoil dsd to make up for the apparent neglects at home... you can end up with a dsd that doesn't want to go back to Mummy. I've had that one and I felt awful for enabling that situation.

MoanCollins · 09/04/2015 08:12

Sorry but I don't think you can read to much into it. Even mother's who are with the fathers often use 'wait until your father comes home' as a threat or would say things like they've been so naughty they're looking forward to school going back etc.

Also my son is a similar age and is not above playing us off against each other. I will hear his father discipline him firmly and fairly without touching and he will often come crying to me saying Daddy's hurt him or been nasty when I know he hasn't.

It sounds like she might have had a bit of a tiff with her Mum because there's been a bit of a strain with the holidays. But it sounds like a stressed parent at the end of their tether snapping a bit at worst rather than anything sinister. I think perhaps your bad opinion of the Mum has rather coloured your judgement in this case.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 09/04/2015 08:48

I don't think my "bad" opinion has coloured my judgement at all. He whole situation is beyond a joke at best. Who wouldn't want to spend quality time with their child? Actions speak louder than words!

OP posts:
notinagreatplace · 09/04/2015 09:08

Given your view of your DSD's mum, I don't understand why you don't want to have your DSD more often? Why push her back to her mum's if you don't think she cares for her well?

AerialGymnastics · 09/04/2015 09:24

Because as a good step mum you do your very best to promote a good relationship between child and parents on both sides. And you try not to get in the way or be seen as getting in the way. Which means making sure each parent has the chance of as much time as possible... just because you don't rate the parenting skills of one doesn't mean you can just take over unless the child is at risk. The child doesn't appear to be at risk here just not getting Grade A love and care.

NancyRaygun · 09/04/2015 09:29

5 years old is so little still - just a baby really. I so think you did the right thing: no matter what they dynamics all children need to hear their parents love them.

You can't control what DSD's Mum says or does but you can control what you do. You need to provide the stability and love that is possibly lacking at her Mum's home, be consistent in the arrangements, loving and kind (sounds like you are!) so she has adults she can rely on unconditionally. Seems like she needs some help building self esteem, you could support her.

Bakeoffcake · 09/04/2015 09:40

You sound a lovey SM and Mum but you need to stop thinking other Mums have the same feelings as you.

My own mum walked out on us when I was 3. We only saw her for a few hours on a Sunday, despite my dad giving her the option to see us more, she just didn't want to. It's very hurtful for a child to be treated like this by their mum. The little girl is only 5 but believe me she will notice.

Please just have your DSD as much as the Mum will let you and concentrate on making your DSD feel loved and secure in your house.

Bakeoffcake · 09/04/2015 09:43

just to add, my step mum was far more of a mother to me than my "real" mum.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 09/04/2015 10:21

Sadly due to the way the benefits system works there is an incentive for people who don't really want to be looking after their kids to be resident parent. So as long as they have the kids 4 out of 7 nights, they get CB etc. And it is very difficult unless there is actual neglect for the non-resident parent to challenge this.

spanky2 · 09/04/2015 10:30

I agree don't tell her that her mother loves her. You don't know that she does. Some mothers don't love their children . My mum doesn't love me and it was really confusing when my dad insisted that she did. It was really crazy making, and when he finally agreed that she didn't her behaviour made sense. Tell her that her dad loves her and so do you. The love and validation will go a long way to support her as she grows up.

FeelingSmurfy · 09/04/2015 10:46

Just want to help you see the positive in this - she felt able to open up to you

Its really important that kids have someone who they can open up to and trust, your DSD has this in you

IsItMeOr · 09/04/2015 11:04

It does sound as if you are judging DSD's mum's experience as a single parent against yours as a two-parent family. I have no idea how I would have survived parenting DS (6yo, diagnosed with ASD last year) if DH had not been an absolute rock. DS and I would have survived, of course, but I can only imagine how much harder it would have been for me.

So yes, I have a lot of sympathy to anybody parenting single-handedly who desperately wants the chance to switch off for a while, particularly if DD is going through a challenging phase - or, indeed, struggling to make sense of the shared-parenting arrangement.

You sound like a lovely mum. But it does sound like DSD's mum already has her 5 nights out of 7. Nights when the buck stops with her, and no-one else. I know lots of people manage 7 out of 7 like that. But your DP is DSD's dad, and it is appropriate that he does his 2 nights out of 7, and more at holiday time, to keep his relationship with DSD strong. And it is absolutely fair for DSD's mum to want a break.

Focusfocus · 09/04/2015 11:16

You don't actually know what words were said by her mum. Children can be very imaginative with words, often over read Into expressions, and sometimes just misreport things by forgetting stuff.

You've got good advice, and sound like a good step parent, but I think more insight into her rapport with her mum, and more insight into what exactly has happened is required before jumping to any conclusions. Of course in baying this i am presuming that you have a positive opinion in general of her mum, because if not, that's a whole different issue.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 09/04/2015 11:20

Hi all,

We're moving this thread over to our Step-parenting topic now, at the OP's request.

wannaBe · 09/04/2015 11:48

while I agree that children don't always relay what has been said word for word, I can't help thinking that if this had been said A, about the dad, or B, the stepmum, people would be saying that the dsd should be believed without question, contact should be stopped, etc.

Now I don't necessarily believe that the above should happen quite like that either, but if a child is distraught to the point of sobbing and thinking that she is being sent away (bearing in mind she had only gone back two days previous and the mum had then called to have her collected again), then this upset does need to be taken seriously and addressed.

The op has stated that the mum sends her to be with the dad a lot, fair enough, but she also states that she spends a lot of time with other family and that she actually spends very little time with the dsd. Not all mums are saints, and not all difficult parenting is fuelled by difficult behavior, some people just don't make good parents, and some of those happen to be mothers.

And perhaps I am preaching to the converted here since I notice this thread is being moved...

Oswin · 09/04/2015 12:04

You do sound like a great step mum Op. Though I do have to say here that some parents don't want to spend every day with there kids.
I don't. It was fine when me and the ex were together. Then someone else was there doing the parenting with me.
Now though its just me and dd. While I love her with all my heart it helps massively that she goes to either of her grandparents house once a week. Also she sees her dad for a few hours a week.
For me parenting is hard. I do a good job but doing it on your own is sometimes bloody awful.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't want to spend 24/7 with Dd.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 09/04/2015 12:38

Bbakeoff for your perspective, it's very helpful for me! I've never wanted to make her feel pressured into feeling as though she has to have a preference, I've always been very neutral and completely understand that she will have feelings of loyalty towards her mum. It must be very confusing for her. She is a very confused, angry child

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 09/04/2015 13:07

isitme I do most of the parenting of both girls. DP does very little in the way of parenting due to the nature of his job. I struggle with them both sometimes - they are both very good on their own but together very demanding!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 09/04/2015 15:41

Peppa I appreciate that's how you feel - and you could be right - but I would say don't underestimate the benefit of having your DP to off-load with once the girls are in bed, occasional breaks when DP's work permits, etc.

Also, it is actually allowed not to want to spend 24/7 with your DC, whatever your family set up.

Original poster
Peppapigsbitch · 09/04/2015 17:25

I completely agree - time apart is as beneficial for the children as it is for the adults. DSDs mum does have a partner at home (that's why she moved) so she will get help etc. I just think that When you only see your DC before school and after when they're grumpy and tired etc then you would relish the opportunity to spend a little more time with them over the holidays. I mean including weekends and training days she's had 17 days straight off school, out of that time she will have spent less than 3 days with her DD, I think that's a bit inexcessive

OP posts:
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