If you had a NICE stepmum, how did she do it?!?

[goldenteapot]

I feel as thought I am a failure as a stepmum, because I can't treat all the children the same and DSD resents it.

The fact is that I don't have that unconditional love for her that I do for my dcs. So I can joke / tease / discipline my dcs and it's fine, but ANYTHING like that with DSD and there are tears. Also I am very physical with my DC but DSD gets upset that I do not cuddle her etc but it feels very weird doing so!!

Dsd is 16 and my Dcs are younger.

So tell me - how is it possible to be a good stepmum when you CANNOT love all the children the same, and they know it?

Oh Golden....if only any of us could find the answer to that!!! I'm past DSC now and on to DSG-C....and I still don't know how to do it!!!

if she is 16 can you try talking to her and explaining it? is she emotionally mature enough do you think to understand the concept of "you cam love lots of people but not always in the same way" ie the way she loves her friends v the way she loves her mum and dad maybe?

I do completely understand the cuddles thing though, my dd is 19 months so needs lots of physical attention and I happily and willingly give it but it feels very strange and slightly uncomfortable to do that with my dsc's (9 and 11). they have their parents for that and as much as I try it feels false and awkward.

good luck it is not easy!

I absolutely adored my stepmum and she treated all 3 of her DSC as her own. She still tells me now that she loves us all like her own (she has two biological kids).
She has been my stepmum for twenty years now (since I was 4) and I have no idea how she's made all 3 of us adore her so much. She was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant age 18. I didn't tell my own mum for months.
I do know that she has never tried to tread on my mums toes and when we were growing up, she left most of the disciplining to my dad. She is one in a million.

On the other hand, my step father was a totally emotionally abusive knob and made it perfectly clear that me and my siblings were right at the bottom of the food chain.

I don't have step children and can't imagine having to bring up someone else's child and trying to love them as my own. All you step parents are amazing.

My stepmum was amazing and turned into one of my best friends. She was in my life for as long as I can remember. My dad was an arse to all of us and she protected me and my brother. She was warm and loving like a mum, and funny and silly like a friend. Always made time for us and concentrated on us whenever we stayed (she didn't have children of her own). Having said that, we didn't have special trips out all the time, we just fit in with whatever she was doing. She just made the normal fun. I don't really know how she did it, but knowing her really helped me to be a better stepmum. I think so anyway.

Doesn't dsd see her own mother?

My DDs best friend has a great step mum - but both the girls live with their Dad and step mum most of the time, which I think helps. She took on the role quite happily, and is very strong on things being fair.

I think your problem is: you have a 16 year old, and she has a different personality from you and your DC.

I would: not tease ever some people just can't take it.

Read massively about teenagers "Get out of my life but can you..." "Queen Bees and Wannabees" "Odd girl out" "Blame my Brain"
Do cuddle her! Do you hug friends? Teenagers are a big mass of insecurities, and life is so pressurised for them, they are also a confusing mix of toddler and adult, and they find it confusing too.

I'd try to leave discipline to Dad as much as possible, the books will also help you understand why.

Thank you for the replies.

I think it must be easier being a stepmum if you don't have your own dcs. It's the unfair nature of it all that is hard ie I don't love her like my own dcs. I don't see how anyone possibly can.

(She sees her mum EOW.)

You might not love her like your own kids - but to be honest Teens are such a huge bag of insecurties I could mother them all (evn though they are as prickly as hedgehogs).

The key thing is don't think about "fair" but about what each child needs.

Maybe ask her advice from time to time about your own kids. Teens often have great insights into what school and life is like for younger kids nowadays. Babysitters have provided a great aid for my children when they were younger (eg. my DD opened up to one a lot more than me about some nasty behaviour at school).

You relationship with her will be different, but she needs it to be different too.

Maybe set yourself a target of spotting good things she does, 5 a day? They might be minor, but do let her know you appreciate them.

That's a lovely idea mummytime, I will think about that.

Actually my tricky teen must have been in a good place for a few days, if I can be so positive. At other times she can make me want to leave home!

We all have ages and stages we are better with, I think my best are tiny tiny babies and teens. So its probably easier if your stepchild is at those ages, but otherwise just try to remain an adult (not necessarily a parent - if you know about transactional analysis), and hopefully enjoy the roller coaster ride.

I feel like I used to be good with my dps kids. we all got along and everything was ok. And recently it's all went a bit pear shaped. Both me and dp are really finding his daughter hard work at the moment. And I hair don't know what's changed so much. Having been grilled on other posts I realise it's me that has to change. (Which is hard cause I know I'm stubborn) if I want dsd to have a better attitude I need to have one. So have spoke to dp about a few things we are going to try.

It must be hard having your own and your dsc. But I think dsd is old enough to understand that everyone loves different people in different ways.

I have explained to my DSC on more than one occassion that I am not here to play mum or replace mum but I love them very much and care about them. Just because they are not mine doesn't mean I don't care. I do and say what I do and say because I DO care.

Maybe ask her what you can do or if she thinks there is anything you can do better?

It could just be teenager stuff and she will say you're doing fine and maybe you are. Don't put yourself down. Step parenting seems to be really hard for a lot of us.

I've actually found it much easier being a stepmum since I had my own ds. I found a new reserve of love and appreciation for my 15yo dsd since gaining an understanding of what being a 'birth' parent feels like. She knows my love for her is different, but that it's every bit as real. I would say we're much closer than we were 5 years ago - we've always got along well, but I feel our 'bond' has deepened since having ds. He's her half brother and she absolutely adores him and has been a huge help to me. It's clear to see that she feels a part of our family and enjoys the time we all spend together. Of course my love for each of them is different, I have never tried to be a mum to her - she already has one. Our relationship is therefore unique and we both like that. But she also seems to appreciate that we treat them both the same. Ds gets a treat, dsd gets a treat. We spend exactly the same amount on each of them for birthdays and Christmas. Ds gets a bollocking if he's rude to her and frequently is told what a fabulous sister he has. Dsd knows how much it means to dh and i to see them together and has joked that she'll take him for his first pint. In short, she's just a very easy young lady to love - easy going, generous, thoughtful etc and i love being a friend and step mum to her.

That's lovely little lion. :) thank you.

She's away tonight with her mum and I do miss her. She's a good girl.