Should I be feeling so upset by this?

[FlowerPuffGirl]

I am a single parent to 3 children, my DP has one child that he has custody of for about half the week - we have been together for coming on to a year. Up until now we have only been seeing each other alone on weekends. Our relationship has been absolutely amazing.

Recently things have been getting more serious, and we have discussed our children meeting. DP's child is young (4), mine are (9), (4) and (1) and as his child doesn't have any interaction with children outside of part-time nursery, I thought it was best if we introduced my children one by one so his child would not be overwhelmed, starting with my child who is the same age and gender.

So we went out on 2 separate days to the park and back to DP's home, both days I sat in the back seat of the car with my child, while his child sat up front. DP didn't really speak to me much at all - not a conscious thing I don't think, but there was little affection and not even our usual chit chat. He was really good with both children, but I felt a coldness towards me - like I may as well have not even been there, and so I withdrew a bit which I think DP noticed and didn't like.

I tried to raise my feelings with him, and on the second day we had out he made some effort to put his arm around me etc. but the general atmosphere was the same. He has very high standards for his own child, with the food he eats, the expensive clothes he wears (name brands etc) and there were times where I felt, he implied my own child wasn't up to those standards - again not in a nasty way...

It did feel more like us Vs them, than a fun day out.

This past week has been a revelation for me - seeing him in 'father mode'. I suggested that we go back to it being just 'us' on weekends, but that has offended him. He believes my feelings are "idiotic"', but I can't imagine us having much of a future if this is how things will be...

I know it is considered "the right thing" to wait a year until the children are introduced but I feel very strongly that as our identities as parents are such a huge part of what makes us who we are, it is far too long!

I am a very different person when I'm in mum mode and luckily DH saw that quite early on and made his decision as to whether he liked it or not. It's not the answer to everything as I also met his dd quite early but ignored the signs that his ex was a nightmare and when it actually dawned on me nine months in I was I love with him and it was "too late" ;)

I think what you've both done (with best intentions!) is built this up to be such a huge thing that too much thought and planning had gone in to it and tensions have risen.

He seems to be getting a lot wrong in my opinion. For example - why is a child riding up front with an adult in the back? Do you not think that odd? Why are the children eating different foods on a day out together?

I think all six of you should just have a big picnic out where you two behave like adults, and the kids get treated like kids. It's sink or swim and the only way you'll know if this can work.

All of that said... A man who tells you your feelings are "idiotic"? Is that what you deserve?

Thanks for your reply madam it's given me a lot to think about. I totally agree with you actually - in hindsight I think we should've all gone out sooner! It was actually his idea initially, but it was me who sort of held back - I think I was worried that with 3 young children I would scare him off...!

I think our parenting styles are very different, and it's all been a bit of a shock. It probably doesn't help that he only has his child some of the time and that his income is double my own. I guess it gives him a bit more freedom to spoil and do more with his son, where mine have to make do at times.

The idiotic comment - I think maybe it's a bit out of context and was said in the heat of the moment, I know he wasn't trying to be mean, but he didn't seem to notice what exactly was bothering me. He really is the most lovely man I've ever met! Extremely kind and considerate, supportive, caring and pretty much my best friend!

I'm also glad you mentioned the car seating arrangements, as I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable or not. I did wonder why I as an adult was sitting in the back with my own child, but I didn't want to say anything especially as his son is used to sitting there, and it was his 'territory' so to speak.

I agree, it's time for us to sink or swim. I will have another chat with him and try to raise some of these points, thank you again.

Yeah we all say daft things in the heat of the moment, if you're sure it's not going to be a pattern of him not respecting your feelings it'll be okay. It's a shock when someone questions your parenting - I think it's natural to flair up!

The "territory" issue is one that plagues most of us SMs. you need to be so careful not to pander to it. I think if ever the situation would lol weird to an outsider it is wrong.

For example, my dSd did this thing where if we were walking along the street as a three, she'd somehow manoeuvre me out so I was walking behind her and DH. They'd be holding hands and Id be a few steps behind. If I tried to get level with them she'd stand in front of me so Id be blocked. Very weird because in no other (non-step) situation would a woman be walking a few paces behind her husband and child

Madam, I so get that situation! With me it's teenage DSG-D, I very been with DH since before she was born, and have always been part of her life? However DH is a Disney Dad/Grandad, and the 'NO' word isn't in his vocabulary, so if we're walking along she is the one hanging on his arm, with me walking three steps behind, and heaven forbid I should grab his arm first...luckily looks can't kill i have 'spoken' to him about it but he just shrugs it off, I find these situations wearyingly irritating!

This past week has been a revelation for me - seeing him in 'father mode'. I suggested that we go back to it being just 'us' on weekends, but that has offended him. He believes my feelings are "idiotic"

Listen to this! Listen to what he is telling you and how you feel.

Also, just to pick up on a point, you say he has very high standards for his DC yet despite being responsible for him 50% of the time he fails to socialise him beyond part time nursery? To an extent where you feel the child requires more socialisation? This doesnt add up to me.

Thank you for all the replies, it's been helpful when mulling it over in my mind.

I had a discussion with him and raised a few points, mainly asking why I was sitting in the back, while his child was up front (seems so petty to focus on this, but it really seemed to set the tone of both outings). Especially as the first time it had been impossible for us to talk, and his reply was that we couldn't talk over the children - well that wasn't helped by the seating arrangements.

Anyway, his response was that his son has been riding up front since he was old enough to, and that is what he was accustomed to. He doesn't see anything wrong with that, wouldn't think it odd of any other couple and seems to think it is only me with the issue. I think that conversation really told me all I need to know about the relationship. such a shame really.

Well it is weird I'm afraid. How many adults do you know who ride in the back? Aside from anything else it's not as safe!

The boys should have gone in the back together to get to know each other.

Adult in back kid in front. Not on my watch. But I'm an evil stepmum. So my advice would possibly be worth squat.

I put adults before children and don't understand feelings etc. But I think your valid to feel crap and if he's calling you idiotic already I think it's time to go. If you have different parenting styles one of you will have to change and change isn't easy. Unless you can compromise on what's acceptable and what's not. X

It's dangerous to have a 4 year old in the front seat. They shouldn't be sitting in the front till they're at least 11. And an adult certainly shouldn't be sitting in the back. My DSDs were 12 and 15 when I came to live with them and there was an issue about them wanting to sit in the front a couple of times in the very beginning but my dh told them adults sit in the front!

It's very early still. OH probably feels awkward in front of his child and is trying to find the middle way between dad and boyfriend. He'll get there at some point.

Don't give up on him at this stage, but definitely be 100% certain that you can make it work before you decide to move in together. It is not easy to take on 3 young kids when you are used to look after one.

It is totally normal not to be as affectionate with a new partner in front of your kids as you are when it is only the two of you so I do agree with him that this shouldn't upset you. Just take it slowly, don't expect too much from the start, just let time do the work for all of you to get used to each other. Don't forget, you had almost one year to be where you are with each other, you can't expect the same level of comfort with the children after only two such occasions.

I didn't think it was allowed for 4 year olds to travel in the front seat?
Only babies in rear-facing car seats.

How on earth did you manage to start a new relationship as a single parent of a new born and 2 other small children? I am impressed!

I don't know what to say.

You feel he has scope to 'spoil' his child - don't forget that he probably feels far more vulnerable as a parent and insecure of his DS's love - because of the half week thing. HIs coldness might have been because he was nervous of the effect of a new relationship on his child.

I think it was a bit over-something to imagine that a 4 yo who goes to nursery would be overwhelmed, especially as your youngest is a baby. You are not guilty of harbouring stereotyped views of only children, are you?

Chill, laugh about it, seeing each other in 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' mode, and don't give up and retreat to weekends just because of 2 awkward outings.

Tell him that when you are all in the car you need to move the car seats, though.

He doesn't see anything wrong with that, wouldn't think it odd of any other couple

What bollocks! Is he seriously saying that of all the couples he knows with children, one parent always sits in the back? And what if more than 1 DC? Would he allow your DC to sit up front and his in back? Doubtful. He has established a hierarchy and made it plain where you stand on it. Please, please listen to what he is telling you.

I disagree with the poster that said to give it time. You need to establish ground rules now. You might lose him but I think it will be worth it

I think at the moment I am torn between giving him more time to establish the middle ground - as was said earlier - between being a father and a boyfriend, and being absolutely adamant about what I will and will not tolerate. I am afraid however, that the latter will come across as me VS his child and I feel that is already how he sees it, as he has gone quiet on me.

I could have seen this whole thing coming, as earlier in the relationship there was an issue with him being somewhat AWOL during the times he had his son (tired he said), and suddenly being chatty, calling me for long coversations etc on his 'days off'. Whereas I being a full time single parent am always expected to be there to accommodate him, if you get what I mean? I am never busy, never tired (!)

But he did make changes there, and in virtually all other areas he is an incredible boyfriend.

In any case, I have said my piece and been as understanding as possible (mostly), so time will tell me what comes of it.

If my ex put my son in the front seat and made his girlfriend sit in the back i would be and probably say something ..
As for dismissing your feelings as idiotic .. what a lovely man

Sorry but I agree with the posters who say this situation is so wrong. I went out with a friend recently - me and DSS, 5 (as DP was working) and my friend and his daughter, 3. It was the first time they'd met and it didn't even cross our minds to have his daughter up front and me in back with DSS. It's just normal to have adults up front. Heck my friend's daughter is in the back even with no other adult up front and when I drive DSS is in back when there's no other adult.

He sounds like he's acting like a right idiot tbh. I wouldn't go back to just alone time with the two of you tbh - I'd have to say it's either all of us or none of us. I don't have bio children, just the one DSS but even I can see that parents come as a package. 4 year olds are more resilient than we give them credit for at times, I think his would've been fine meeting all three. I would've thought it'd be more confusing meeting them individually tbh. That's just my take on it though and people with bios may feel differently.

I went out with a friend recently - me and DSS, 5 (as DP was working) and my friend and his daughter, 3

Good point. OP is your partner saying that when he goes out with friends he makes them sit in the back an his DS in front? I will be amazed if he did. Hes sending a really clear message here.

I do have to say that the whole sitting at the back is very odd, but why did you agree to it, especially twice? You say you want to give a clear message, but you did that by agreeing to it a second time (if the first you just went with it so not to make a fuss).

He is clearly a very dedicated dad and in a way, it is good that he is not suddenly turning away from the attention he gives his son because he suddenly has a new partner. That's what I mean by giving it time, however, you should never feel like a lower person than his son.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that the sitting in the back thing is not weird. His son always sits there, he is quite young so meeting you and at the same time finding you in "his" place might be quite a shock for him. However, I wouldn't expect it to always be that way.

I would be more concerned if he is insinuating that your childrens' lifestyle is not on par with his.

tbh I think the introducing children one at a time is a bit odd in itself, also the idea that this child never socialises apart from at nursery, this really isn't normal - even for an only child, and while I understand that he may not have cousins etc, children are generaly fairly adaptable, he surely wouldn't find three children in one place quite so overwhelming.

I would say that rather than your dp putting you down the pecking order he is actually over-protective of his ds. I would actually suggest that meeting all of the kids would be a good thing for him not the other way around.

And in terms of showing affection, well tbh I wouldn't expect that so much in the beginning of you meeting his kids. Actually when my dp first met ds it was him who struggled to show me affection in front of ds because he didn't want him to feel awkward in any way. It wasn't a negative thing, he just wanted to get it right, but it just clicked into place anyway iyswim.

madmum what would you expect to happen if dad had a male friend with them for the day?

madam possibly the same thing? Although I do think a one off friend encounter is very different from a new partner. (Speaking from my own childhood experience) even young children are often aware of the difference.