Disengaging - but only for one DSC

[yellowdaisies]

I've read quite a bit on here about disengaging when things get tough and think that may be what I need to do with DSS (16) but would welcome some advice. DH and I keep arguing over DSS1 and I'm starting to think I need to step back and let him parent DSS1 the way he chooses, even though I don't agree with it.

The issue is that DSS1 spend every minute of the day, and much of the night on his computer. He comes down for meals, and occasionally DH persuades him to watch a movie, but that's it. 15+ hours a day of being shut in his room online. He does some techy stuff (reading up on latest software, writing reviews, etc) and gaming and who knows what - he's very secretive about it, though he's always been a very private person so hard to know why this is. I don't think this is healthy but feel that DH only challenges him or tries to tackle the issue when I remind (or nag) him to. This isn't working and isn't making anyone happy.

I have a similar agreed DS, and other DSC, who I get on well with and take quite an active role in parenting (they're with us about half the time, and with their DM the rest). We have 'house rules' on computer time which work fine for DS and DSS2 and strangely they don't really seem often to notice that DSS1 ignores them completely. So what DH allows DSS1 to do doesn't really interfere with my DS (or DSS2)

We've had another argument about it today and I've said I think it's best if I leave him to DSS1 and no longer try to support/remind/nag him to parent him.

Can this work? Might it improve my relationship with DSS1? Or is it likely to obliterate it as I end up withdrawing from conversations (eg DH asks DSS1 what he's been doing all day, DSS1 lies and says homework, I walk away because I don't want to listen to lies)

Has anyone successfully stepped back from involvement with one DSC but remained involved with other DSC? Can it work?

I didn't want to read and run.

I don't have any experience of older stepkids (mine are 14 SS and 11 SD).

Is there maybe any hobby DSS (whatever that means!) could be encouraged to involve himself in that supports his talents? I don't know if this is a good idea or not, I don't have any experience to draw from.

I wish you the best of luck though. :)

There are clubs at school he could do, but won't. I've tried plenty of encouraging but that isn't enough. Nothing in life is more appealing to him than being shut in his room on his computer. Anything that gets in the way of that is resisted. Even watching movies.

I've tried, but there seems to be nothing I can to to help the situation, so ignoring it seems the only way to go, and allowing DH to ignore it too without comment.

I think you are doing the right thing. In the end, you've given your views and it hasn't made a difference. You are now at risk of getting DS1 to really resent you or even hate you and that certainly won't make things better at home. In the end, he is not your responsibility.

Remain friendly and polite and cross fingers that he will turn ok any way. His behaviour is not that different to many other kids his age and maybe it suits him. If he doesn't feel judged and pressured to change, then maybe he will turn a leaf and be the one wanting to spend time with the rest of the family.

I think it will take a lot of pressure off your shoulders to let it go and make it easier for his dad to actually look at his behaviour rather than feel that he has to go on the defensive when you say something.

That's what I'm hoping swing I think it should help things between DH and me, though I'm not at all optimistic that taking pressure off DSS will improve things. There hasn't really been much pressure ever put on DSS. It's more been me hassling DH, who tiptoes into DSS's room maybe once a day, to be fobbed off and ignored.... But yes I am hoping DH will feel less need to be defensive over DSS. He feels that way a lot, with DSS's DM too when she "gives DSS a hard time".

I have done exactly this with my DSS (14).

His behaviour was causing problems and I seemed to say nothing to him other than negative things. He would eat his food at the table super quick with no manners and then run. So I decided to step away and have nothing to do with him.

He spends all his time in his room, will spend the entire weekend there. He arrives and runs to his room and does not come out. DH takes his food up to him. He does not come into a room the rest of the family are in and will only speak to his father. If we are in a room together he will call his father out of the room to speak to him.

Now I have stepped away and DH is not defending him from my criticism our relationship is a lot better. DH is getting fed up with DSS behaviour now and tries to encourage him to do other things.

Now when something happens, I just think not my problem. I do support DH when he wants to talk about DSS, but it is known that I am not going to be part of the solution/problem any more.

It is not that hard to do and you will feel an enormous relief not worrying about him any more.

Thanks calico that's really useful, and good to know the approach worked for you. Taking food up to the bedroom does sound dreadful Why on earth does your DH do that?

Do you find you still can support your DH when he talks about DSS though? You don't find yourself thinking "well I told you so" or "but that's happening because you won't tackle the computer time"?

Meal times were quite stressful with DSS behaviour. DD would try and talk to him and he would blank her. So DH started giving him his meals in his room and it became a habit. I must stress this was DSS and DH's choice, not my idea at all. DSS really does not want to eat with us, he usually will not eat what I cook, so DH will do something else for him. I will not pander to this and if on the rare occasion he is here and DH is working late, I will call him down for his food, but he will run in grab the food and take it upstairs with him.

When DH does complain, I will say yes that is hard for you, or that must be annoying. Rather than say it is due to computer time I ask DH what he thinks the solution could be. I keep my thoughts to myself, that is the key to disengaging.

Thanks, that's helpful. So it's about phrasing what you say in support to take no ownership of the problem.

Hi,
We (my hubby & ss) have had the same issues over the computer, be it the PC, play station or iPhone.

He is 11 and its "normal" to wanted to spend ever second on the computer (so I'm told). But it's clear his social and other activities suffer (or don't even exists) to the point were he would forget to do basic everyday tasks without our involvement.

However myself, mum, dad and step dad (we work as a team) have agreed it's not healthy. So I came up with a plan after hours of research and ran it by the team, with success.

On the PC you can program in timers which won't allow our SS to us his PC before 9am & after 10pm & he can't uses it between 12:30-1:30 & 5:30-6:30 (that's holidays & weekends, school days PC times get shorter) same goes for all over computers/smartphone stuff. Personally it's still too long but...

We have spoken to SS and explain why we are worried, We have told he that when he can show us that he can self manage and do other things (within computer time) with out being 'encouraged' then we will remove the locks.

He has stop sulking so much but he is still clearly craving the PC but we try and have fun activies planned and don't give in to the tech lol
No computer time is fun now, something we all look forward too

Good luck:
Oh if you hubby isn't listening, try sitting down with some of the research which backs up your concerns, with a plan and a long term goal. It will be hard for dad at the weekends not wanting to "stop" son having "fun" but that's being a parent- 24/7 computers are bad for development, it's an official addiction (like drugs & alcohol)

Keeps smiling
Us parents & step parents do a wonderful job

Yellow & Calico, all of that sounds dreadful, and reminds me of why I'm soooo glad all our DC were grown when DH and I got together! I'm impressed with Mariestepmum's suggestion, and if you could implement it, it would probably resolve your problems. However, I'm guessing that your DH's would probably not be up for imposing it, so the disengagement is probably the best way to go! I understand that teens these days are obsessed with iPhones/iPads/etc, but it must be very difficult for the rest of the family if they skulk away in their rooms all the time, and Calico, your DH has, by taking DS's meals to his room, now further enabled him to be bad mannered and rude to the rest of the family....it must be so difficult to live with! I would definitely be standing back, not getting involved and letting DH get on with it!

I agree with all of that Marie. When I moved in both DSSs spent far too long on computers, and I wasn't happy for that with my DS too, so we brought in strict rules about what hours they could be on computers for. They worked well with DSS2 (who was 9, now 12), and for my DS (now 15) but DSS1 has just ignored them completely. I've tried showing DH research and am sure that on one level he knows I'm right, but he doesn't have the will to really push the issue with DSS1. He tiptoes. There are no rules. If DH thinks dSS should switch off (eg at midnight, to go to bed), he tells him so, and DSS says, yes in a minute then ignores DH. I feel DH weakens his authority every time he does this and doesn't follow through with any consequences, but he won't. He says that DSS is "sort of an adult" so will not exercise any authority.

Right now DSS2 and DS are happily bouncing on the trampoline together, and DSS1 is on his computer. He'll come down for dinner, but otherwise be on until 2 or 3am :( The same as every day for the last week. His DM has them next week, but it will be the same there from what I can gather. She's taking the others out to the theatre one night, but DSS1 says he's not going as he doesn't want to.

In most respects DH and I have managed to blend our parenting styles OK, but we are not on the same page with this one big issue. I cannot change the situation, but don't want to keep arguing with DH about it, which doesn't help.

Wdign - in one sense though it isn't difficult at all for the rest of the family. DSS causes no bother to anyone by sitting in his bedroom all the time. The other kids are harder work in many ways. It's just himself that he's damaging, physically, socially, academically. As a step parent my responsibility really just extends to rules that enable our household to live happily together, and DSS being on his computer all the time isn't really affecting that.

I suppose you're right Yellow, if he's in his room all the time, he's not causing you bother....but you're also right that it must be so bad for his development in every sense!

Calico I have the same situation with my ss but older, 20. Although he now has a girlfriend so is out a lot, he won't eat with us, lives as a lodger and will only speak to his dad. I DO have a problem with it as when he's around there's a bad atmosphere- and why should my dcs have to live with that? Thank goodness he's going travelling soon, I honestly can't wait.

Hormonal, that would drive me up the wall! None of our DC have ever lived with us, but when mine visit it's easy, no atmosphere...when DH's DC visit, he morphs into an over eager, people pleaser??! Having said that, I know I'm my normal self with my DC, but I feel like I'm withdrawing into myself when his are around!

Yep Wdigin spot on. And drives me insane that when it's just my kids, Dh will be watching something on his phone at dinner- but as soon as his other (not ss) turn up, it's A Disney version of The Waltons.

Haha, The Waltons...yeah, that's it! But I have to say DH is fantastic with my family, he's just his normal nice self! I think it's because he doesn't feel they expect anything more than normality from him...and secretly I think he's more relaxed with my lot, no guilt to make him feel he has to be number one, superdad!!

I am not looking forward to teenagers at all. I think given the situation you probably are going to set back. Surely the router/wifi can be switched off at midnight or before - what would be DHs objection to that?

So do you and the DM agree

I have no experience of teenagers or of being a step parent. It's such a hard one, especially at 16. On one hand, if you were a parent rather than step parent then I would say it would be very wrong to stop trying to influence your teenagers to live more rounded lives. I might suggest trying different ways of influencing them. But as a step parent, is it your job? I'm not sure, but if you are able to influence a young persons life in a way that could benefit them then maybe you should keep trying. But it's not really your responsibility. (Sits on fence!).

lucked - I did suggest we turned the router off, and DH didn't object. But it was nearly add always me who did it, or if DH came to bed after me I'd remind him, and he'd stumble off downstairs to do it slightly crossly. Since I stopped getting involved on Saturday it's been left on each night. I call in on my own DC and removed any device that's still in use (quite rarely, they're usually asleep) but DH has just told DSS to switch off soon, which he doesn't. I don't think he really wants to switch it off . I think he was just doing it to appease me :(

vijak I do hope that some of the time I can improve the lives of my DSC, but I haven't ever really had the authority to do so with DSS1. I think the younger they are when you meet them the easier it is. (The other DSC are great, it's not all bad with teens)

DSS's DM disapproves of his computer addiction, but is just as ineffectual as DH at addressing it as far as I can gather. I don't think DSS1 is close to his DM. DH feels the need to be defensive of him to her, which gets in the way of any semblance of effective coparenting between the two of them.