Blended families, can it ever really work?

[Wdigin2this]

I have read lots of posts and the different opinions are interesting. However, from some of the difficulties being described, together with that of my own/friends/families, I'm doubting whether it ever can! I realise that if you have successfully and happily blended your family, you probably wouldn't post on MN, but from talking to friends/colleagues/family who are struggling as SP's, it seems to come down to a) widely different parenting attitudes, and b) the fact that people just cannot feel the same about other peoples children as they do about their own! Anyone, agree/disagree?

Hmm well we have a perfectly blended family - but dh doesn't have any of his own children from before he met dd and I so I'm not sure if that helps. Who know. I met dh when dd was 6 and we now have a toddler together who is 2.9. We never argue about parenting really, we share all parenting decisions about both dc as if they are both our own and we pool all our income and split all spending money equally (I am a sahm, it used to be that I was the higher earner). We are exactly the same really as if dd was actually dhs.

I think it must be more difficult if you both have children from previous relationships but my sil has exactly this set up with both her and her dh having dc (2 now each) and they've been together several years and seem very happy.

In both our situations I think sharing everything financially and otherwise (I owned the house outright when dh moved in) and having the same views on parenting really helps.

I'm really glad you have a happy blended family, but yes...when you both have DC from previous relationships, it's a whole different story! Hopefully your sil is as happy as you, but nobody knows what really goes on in other relationships do they? I have family members and friends in my situation, and sadly, every single one of them, if they knew then what they know now, would probably think twice before crating a 'blended family'!

Whilst it can work, it's always going to be a challenge when you both have children and ex partners in the mix. A relationship that starts with two people and grows with having a child is an adjustment you choose and grow with.
Suddenly having an extra few children and ex partners who's parenting differs adds a lot more dimensions to the mix.

My best friend is happily married for the second time and lives with her second husband, her child from first marriage and their daughter. They're all very happy so yes it can work.

My blended family works excellently TYVM.

My DH has PR over my eldest, who was 1yr old when he moved in. And all his family love her as much as they love our youngest DD.

And when the shoe was on the other foot and I was with my ex I adored his son and his son adored me, we loved being together and I took on all the parenting (neither his mum or dad were that fussed about him) so again that worked well.

Hmm, seems that it can work then, just not for everyoneM

It depends what you mean by work. Dh love each other to bits. It was very hard starting a relationship with a bunch of kids in the house. When you have a relationship normally you develop slowly and when you start living together you get lots of couple time before starting a family, in general obviously not everyone. When you are starting a second/third marriage it is a totally different game.

DH and I look forward to going on holiday together on our own, never happened. We look forward to the kids going off and getting our lives back.

When will we know if it has worked, when one of us dies or we manage to stay together into old age?

There you go, very different opinions! I think my situation is a little different in that when DH and I got together, all our DC were grown, so we never had that access EOW situation. But I think resentments, to some extent are inevitable (don't shoot me down, just my opinion), and people have to live with them if they want to hold on to their relationship!

We both have DCs from previous relationships. I'd say that overall it works in that the good things outweigh the bad things. It's not easy though and I don't think either of us feel the same way about the children that aren't ours, though we don't beat ourselves up about that, just try to treat them all fairly anyway.

I have an adopted child and 2 dsc. Obviously I've never had a birth child but I can't imagine loving any child more than I do these three so I do think it is possible to love a child who is not your own, and then to make them feel like your own. But I am very lucky that dh and I have parenting styles which are not identical, but which seem to complement each other.

Personally if I had my time again I would not have a relationship with a man with children. Our blended family is fine but I'm the sort of person who finds it difficult to share especially with another woman so this set up is a bit pants for me really but everyone else is happy so I just put up & shut up.

Ours works so far. 2 years in 1 dc each both similar ages. We love and respect each other and are very happy. Any problems that come up we communicate and are always a united front when it comes to discipline/ behaviour/house rules. We are very lucky to have exs that don't interfere don't want to use the kids as a weapon as in some cases and are just reasonable people with kids best interest at heart. Hardest thing for me has been the not so great things that happen in dss main home with his mum affecting his behaviour in my home and having no control over that but we talk and listen with love and respect and dp always backs me up.

Hamsterdam, that's exactly how it should work, you're obviously both lucky and working hard at it!

I've known it to work really well and to fail really badly.

The best example I've known is a friend of mine who has a preteen dd and whose new dp had a 2 preteen ds.
They were upfront with the kids from the start and when the relationship started to be one serious they sat the kids down abs said here's the options we are going to be seeing each other, you don't have to like it and we will respect your decision if you don't want to spend time with new dp that's fine.
As of now your bed time will be 8 o'clock and we will only see each other after you're in bed. Or we can all get a long and spend day times together and bed time remains unchanged.

They laughed and chose the latter option. That was 18 years ago and they are all well adjusted adults.

I feel very lucky. Lucky my dp is such a good man lucky to have 2 lovely boys to share. No crazy exs or Disney dadding. Seems like those two are the root of most if not all problems in blended families

Yes, I agree Disney Dads are the cause of so many failures! I have no experience of a crazy ex as all DC were grown when we got together...but the damn Disney Dad behaviour, even when DC should be well established in life, is a real trial!