Advice desperately needed!

[Illusion100]

Hi everyone! I joined the forum as I really need some advice regarding a long standing problem.

BM hates me, everything is my fault and my OH has been subjected to lengthy text messages/phonecalls about me that are really quite horrendous.

OH and BM were divorced before I met him and I have been involved in his childrens lives since they were 2 and 4 years old. We get along really well and their company is great. OH and I have been together for nearly a decade.

Obviously BM actions are very distressing and it's made me very ill. After the latest barrage of hate I really wonder why I have to still put up with this? Oh has told her not to speak about me like that but of course that only fuels her fire, ignoring the behaviour does nothing either.

I am trying to recover from years of illness and this has really set me back again, I can't let my health suffer like this. It's that bad I'm considering the possibility of a Harassment Order against her. This obviously may have consequences but the children are getting to an age where their BMs behaviour towards their father and I is distressing them too.

Please help, I'm struggling to cope.

So they are early/mid teens?

Not really brainwashing age. why don't they want to see their dad or is it just you?

Olgaga - she didn't say that the DSC don't want to see their dad or OP.

OP - I think you need to put your health first. Does your OH really need contact with his ex? Could he change his number and just make contact directly with the children?

I believe there is a document you can issue yourself, I don't remember the name of it but it's a legal document which officially warns somebody to stop doing XYZ or else you will take further legal action.
It sounds like that may be appropriate in your case. Maybe somebody will be able to tell you the name of the document.
Or somebody in the legal section may be able to tell you.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to let her get to you.
Does it matter what she thinks of you? She is nobody to you. And anybody who would take any notice of what she says is insignificant to you either.

I'm also the target for my DH's ex, everything in the world is my fault.
She's just jealous. She's gutted that she let a lovely man go and she's now stuck with an angry control freak. But most of all she's jealous that we're happy and she's not.

She is their mother. BM suggests that you have adopted them and she does not see them.

Where does it say anything about adopting them?

I agree with the suggestion of your dh cutting contact with his ex and just talking to the children direct.

This is a very long and complicated story.

BM has always been abusive to OH after he divorced her, then when BM realised OH and I had a serious relationship, her attention turned to me and has never averted. I have received abuse for over 8 years now.

Kids life with BM and OH had to get a Court Order for access a few years ago as BM would withhold access for the slightest reason, she still attempts withhold access!

I have contacted the Police tonight, they are taking a statement on Monday.

BM is again trying to state kids don't want to visit OH because I emotionally the 11 yr old girl! SD and I get on great, I don't get it? SD daughter asked if her Dad and I were ever going to get married, I said yes and she immediately wanted to know if she could be Bridesmaid and help pick out a dress. Her Dad said on her B'day she could have a few friends over and SD asked me if I was feeling well enough would I come too.

With SS, again he's great to get on with, he helps me out with my horse (OH has a slipped disc atm and awaiting surgery), not because I ask but because he offers to help me.

When BM tells OH he can't see kids because of me, kids have to sneak away from BM supervision to text/call him to ask when he's going to pick them up for the w'end.

The whole situation is just awful.

I forgot to include, we were advised always to have an emergency contact no. for BM by Family Court. Sadly, she abuses this avenue.

It would help if you just referred to her as your OH's ex wife. Referring to her as the BM is confusing people who think you are adopted her children. She IS their mother, she's their only mother. A step mother is a different thing altogether to a Birth Mother or an Adoptive Mother.

Anyway, can you explain more about how she is abusing you and what her methods of access/contact to you are?

You should definitely involve the police and threaten her with legal action.

Sorry, what I meant by 'A step mother is a different thing altogether to a Birth Mother or an Adoptive Mother.' is that there is no need to specify that she is the BM, whether she's their mother by birth or by adoption is irrelevant. She is their mother, and you are their father's partner.

Sorry! I'm very new to the abbreviations and thought BM meant something different!

Ok, in previous posts BM should be ex-wife, so sorry for the confusion.

I have never provided any confusion to the kids, ex-wife is always referred to as Mum and I am referred to by my name.

Ex-wife contacts my OH via his mobile phone.

For example, ex-wife found out via my OH that I had had 2 abortions (the reason he told her was because ex-wife wanted us to have SKs as she herself was having an abortion, so to just call if she needed someone to talk to). Then when schools brought her parenting into question and OH pressed this, ex-wifes text comments included 'it's not my fault she keeps killing your babies' and 'I suggest you pair have a baby of your own if you can stop her from flushing them down the toilet'.

Ex-wife has since been made aware that a severe spinal injury and surgery means I can not have children.

In her latest text to my OH she stated I was 'a cruel childless pathetic partner' that OH should 'drop like a hot brick'.

Given your last update, your OH needs to stop engaging with her, immediately. All contact via text/email only, and related to the children only. He should tell her nothing about you, and refuse to reply to anything from her that isn't strictly about their children.
Why he thought that your medical history was any of her business and that she'd be sympathetic/tactful given her nature beggars belief.
What does your OH say about all this?

OH sincerely regrets ever giving her that info. At that stage we were still bending over backwards to try and alleviate her insecurities, be supportive and help her with her parenting issues.

OH does not contact her, he contacts the kids re: weekend visits.

Ex-wife abuses that Family Court stated parents must have an emergency contact no. for each other. OH does this to comply with his Access Order.

OH is disgusted by ex-wifes comments but I have told him not to rise to them, which he has not. Rising to her comments only encourages her abuse.

OH ignores her unless it is directly about the kids but ex-wife keeps texting.....

OH sincerely regrets ever giving her that info. At that stage we were still bending over backwards to try and alleviate her insecurities, be supportive and help her with her parenting issues.

OH does not contact her, he contacts the kids re: weekend visits.

Ex-wife abuses that Family Court stated parents must have an emergency contact no. for each other. OH does this to comply with his Access Order.

OH is disgusted by ex-wifes comments but I have told him not to rise to them, which he has not. Rising to her comments only encourages her abuse.

OH ignores her unless it is directly about the kids but ex-wife keeps texting.....

OH sincerely regrets ever giving her that info. At that stage we were still bending over backwards to try and alleviate her insecurities, be supportive and help her with her parenting issues.

OH does not contact her, he contacts the kids re: weekend visits.

Ex-wife abuses that Family Court stated parents must have an emergency contact no. for each other. OH does this to comply with his Access Order.

OH is disgusted by ex-wifes comments but I have told him not to rise to them, which he has not. Rising to her comments only encourages her abuse.

OH ignores her unless it is directly about the kids but ex-wife keeps texting.....

That's good - I don't have experience of them, but it sounds like the police would be able to help when it's such clearly one-sided harassment.
She sounds awful OP, you've done well to create a loving relationship with the children despite all this.

I hope so! Police wanted ex-wifes address and mobile phone number tonight even though I did not give any specific correspondence received from her.

OH was in bed sleeping after latest dose of painkillers (slipped discs are awful) so I didn't want to disturb his rest to ask those details. Police will take her number and look through her text messages on Monday. I've already discussed contacting Police with OH before I posted my thread and he supported my decision.

I really adore these kids and we get on so well together. I've never forced myself into their lives, as a result they ask me to join in with activities, homework and opinions. They want to involve me which makes it so much more hurtful when ex-wife claims I emotionally abuse them!

I have always been very careful not to try and have a 'mum' role. They are my partners kids who live with their mum, all I've ever strived to be is a friend to them.

I just don't understand why ex-wife has such implacable hatred towards me.

Probably because you are so nice, OP. Really in the case of some people, their hatred should be like a medal we can wear, I mean you must be doing something right if someone like her hates you.

Good grief, I completely agree with runaway and I'd be bloody furious with my partner for divulging such personal information about me, especially to his ex wife of all people - what WAS he thinking?

I just don't understand why ex-wife has such implacable hatred towards me.

Who knows, but some exes just do. Maybe fear, bitterness, jealousy, insecurity, feeling hurt by knowing that her children like you, still holding a candle for your OH…..the reasons could be all or any of the above. It doesn't matter why - just accept with stoicism that sometimes it's just the way it is. Don't try to understand it or change it - you can't. Make peace with it. But don't put up with any unacceptable, vile shit either.

I have a similar situation and have had to get the police involved several times due to threats from DP's ex, I have a great relationship with my DSC and try to just ignore their mother but it's hard to ignore messages about having your throat cut.

DP contacts her on his mobile or by email, he never answers the phone to her as we have been advised to always have written documentation, she was also advised by the court that she was to contact only by text or email. It makes life so much easier at first she tried calling repeatedly but gave up after a week when she realised DP wasn't going to answer.

Tell your DH that you don't want to know what she's saying about you, I couldn't care less what she says or thinks about me so I don't need to know. DP now reads the texts and saves them incase I have to get the police involved again but I live happily in ignorance.

DSC occasionally repeat something their mum has said about me and my stock reply is "I'm sorry your mum feels that way but that's between the adults and has nothing to do with how I feel about you two" they are happy with this, I think they worry that I will hold their mum's actions against them. They are both teenagers now so are very aware of their mum's behaviour and sadly it's just normal to them

I would be furious if DP told her anything personal about me never mind medical info and you need to make sure your DH NEVER does it again.

Not only does your partner need to stop passing on details of your private life (I would be fucking raging about that), but he needs to stop telling you what she is saying too.
If he only contacts her about seeing the dc and she replies ranting about other stuff then he just repeats his original question calmly.

I have no experience with abuse from DH's ex-wife, but one thing I would say....my (grown) children have a SM who is lovely, very pleasant to me, very fond of my DC, a lovely lady, and I'm so glad that my DC get on well with her! But, and I really hate to admit it, there is a little, tiny piece of me that is jealous when they talk happily about times spent with her, even though they love and respect my DH, their stepdad! It's not something I'm proud of and I always keep it under wraps, in fact this is the first time I've admitted it anywhere....any one else feel even a little bit like this?

I used to have problems with DH's ex. She used to come to the house, phone up in the middle of the night, bully the nanny and come in when we were not here, turn up at night to read bedtime stories to DSS, tell lies about me to DSS, tell Mums at school stories about me.

I had a chat with DH and laid down ground rules, the main one that she did not come to the house again and if she did she would not be let in. I do not answer the home phone, as she will phone to speak to DSS when she can call him on his mobile. DH does not tell me what she is saying any more so it does not bother me. Having her out of our relationship has made the world of difference to us and our home life.

In your case your DH has let her in by sharing private info, she should not have your number either. I think a police warning should get the message across.

When my OH said this, he did it without really thinking it through (man!) but with the best intention. Lets be fair it takes a pretty twisted person to use that info as ammo, even I didn't think ex-wife would stoop so low. I don't hold it against my OH.

Ex-wife does not have my personal number. Even if she did she would still text OH, that way she can abuse both of us with the same text, efficiency is clearly important!

Wdigin2this - Could you please swop and be our ex-wife please?!!

My OH and I support each other with her abuse, it really is too much for one person to take. She also abuses OH in texts, for being with me basically.

I'm also very sorry to hear of those of you who have also suffered with this kind of treatment. As if being a step parent isn't hard enough eh?!

Maybe your DH needs to learn to step away from her too. It is a hard thing to do. My DH was still running around after his ex for ages. When he realised that he was still getting upset and stressed about her behaviour and it did not change anything and he could not help her any more, he stopped and it helped him too.

She will still text at midnight to discuss DSS, he ignores her. If we have gone to bed then we do not answer the phone and mobiles go on silent. On holiday she would phone all day, so if he had DSS with him he would leave the phone when he went out and then was not even aware when she called.

A bitter person will use any info as ammo. We did not tell DSS when my father died as we knew he would tell ex and she would be unpleasant about it.

Obviously for both you and your DH something has to change. Maybe DH could change his number and have two phones one for her calls. Easy to turn off and ignore and filter the communication.

I agree with a pp that your dp needs to stop telling you what she's texting/saying. Is it not pOssible for him to get a cheap phone to use soley for contact and block her on his own phone? Then he can check it every night and anything not related to contact with the kids can be deleted. Tell him not to engage her by answering etc. another year or two and the kids will be able to arrange their own contact and you can disengage with her completely. Stop letting her take up space in your head, you know she's only doing to get at you, stop letting her inside your home through stupid unnecessary texts/calls.

OH and I both had enough, Police came round an are issuing her a warning. Any further texts/calls will be ignored but are to be reported to Police and they will then arrest and charge her.

The Police were clearly not impressed with the texts they read from her.