should I try to talk to SD?

[gusting]

Sorry in advance for long post! Background is this. SD (9) lives with mum and has been coming to stay with DP and I every second weekend since about July this year. I moved into the ex family home, and since there was very little left that ex had not taken with her, I have tried to make it into a "home",whilst taking into account SD's feelings about it being "her house" etc. I have been as sensitive as possible to how odd it must be having this strange person living there. I have made a big effort with her (probably too much so) - playing with her loads when she comes, making sure we always have food she likes, being interested in her etc. On the whole I think she likes me, but on her most recent visit (last week, for a week) she was really withdrawn with me, wouldn't speak in more than one word answers, was very clingy to DP, wouldn't look at me, wouldn't eat anything I had bought and was generally very weird with me. I was really upset especially as things had been going well. DP was upset too, and tried to have a word with her about it- told her he would like us to be friends, and I wanted to be her friend etc. Her response was that when she came to stay with us, she came to see him, and she just wanted to spend time with her dad. He reassured her that just because I was here it didn't change the way he felt about her, but it had no effect- she was still as distant as ever with me.

I suspect that her mum had given her a good dose of brainwashing before she came for the week.

Anyway, whilst she was here, she had a chat with a family friend, whose parents had also been divorced. They spoke for about an hour, and SD said the following:

1. She "knew" that it was my fault her parents split up. I persuaded her Dad away from her Mum, and he just "went along with it". When asked how she knew that she said "because that is what happened" and she had heard that from her Mum and her Gran

1. Her Mum had cried all the time and when she cried, SD cried too and got very angry at her Dad and at me. But, because her Dad was her Dad, she couldn't be angry at him, so she was angry at me instead.

3.That I was "ok" but that she felt very guilty being nice to me, and felt that if she was nice to me she was betraying her Mum.

1. That it was hard for her having all my things in "her" house, as nobody had asked her if it was ok, and she felt I was taking over, and pushing her out.

1. That she was worried that I was nice and her dad would end up preferring me to her because I was there all the time and she was only there every second weekend. I would end up taking him away from her, just like I (supposedly) took him away from her mum.

I feel so sorry for her, that she has so much going on in her little head. I think the only one who can reassure her about my motives, is me. But will she believe me? And what if she starts going on about the reasons for her parents splitting up. What should I say? I don't want to go into the "who did what and when". The position is that DP and ex had not got on for years, and one or other of them was always "leaving". Yes DP and I got together before he officially finally "left" (although in his mind his marriage had been dead for years, ex now believes they were supremely happy and I came along and "ruined their lives"). SD has told me before that I "made her mum's life a waste and her (SD's) life a waste".

Does anyone have any ideas on how I should deal with this? My feeling is that I need to sit her down and acknowledge how hard it must be for her to cope with all that is happening, ask her to tell me if there are things that are bothering her, explain to her that I will never try to stand in the way of her relationship with her dad, and reiterate to her how much he loves her more than anything. What about the fact she feels guilty and wants to fight her mother's corner? Should I acknowledge that? (worried that leads to a "who did what when" conversation)

Any tips/ideas would be much appreciated. She's coming back on Friday, and I was hoping to talk to her then if thats a good idea.

Hi gusting, I'm not a step-parent but I've seen similar situations to yours over the years. There's no quick and easy answer and I think you've been doing great so far and there's every reason that you'll continue to do great! What you write demonstrates great sensitivity for your SD's position.

Your SD will need continued reassurance from her dad, and it might be best if he (or both of you) talk to her and tell her that he and mummy were unhappy long before he met you (she probably knows this already given that she was living in the same house with two unhappy parents - one of the most difficult things for children is when adults deny the reality of a situation for them).

However, on the whole, I'd advise against too many lengthy explanations - all just words - and instead concentrate on doing things together and behaving towards her in a way that allows her to feel welcome, secure and loved. Your motives will be demonstrated over time by what you do, and not by what you say, and this is how you will best create a solid and lasting relationship with your SD. If she needs a bit more 'dad' time right now then let her have it.

Hi gusting ..... just saying hello as I think I know you from somewhere else (look at my name). You already know I feel hugely for you.

I think that no amount of talking is going to resolve this. All of her feelings are perfectly normal for a girl in her situation and your analysis is about right. She can't reject her parents so you will get it instead. I would say, give her some ownership - her room for starters, also see if she wants to shop and choose anything in due course (to kit out your home early on could feel like a betrayal of her mum so this has to be in her time). My SD chose some disgusting cushions but we kept them out of the way until she came round when they then made an appearance!

Also, she is right, she comes to see her dad. I used to let them have the time they wanted and would often go off and do my own thing on those weekends which suited everyone.

Btw, you didn't say - Ddd her dad leave her mum for you? What is the background?

Hi Witchcatsmother nice to hear you here too. You can tell I am beside myself trying to work out the best thing to do here. And the general advice seems to be to do nothing!! Hopefully things will improve.

Screamsprout- the background is that DP and the ex were not happy for years (one or other of them was always "leaving" ) Ex is a pretty volatile character, who, whenever there was a problem, would drag SD out of her bed and tell her "we are leaving- your dad doesn't love us enough!". In the end, we got together while he was still physically living with her, but he left shortly after. I am not proud of that- but it's easy to be judgemental until you are in the situation. he has never been the best communicator, partly because he was scared of her reaction if he said something she didn't want to hear. And now that he has left (18 months ago) she has told SD that I dragged him away, and tells everyone that the marriage was perfect until I came along and wrecked it. She really believes this, which is quite worrying! She is so desperate to get him back she will stop at nothing. We've been through suicide threats, threats of him never seeing his child again, her phoning me and approaching me shouting and abusing me- the lot. Anything to get rid of me. Now the tactic is to make me as miserable as possible to make me go away. I never thought she would be so difficult, or would have used her child so much as a pawn. It's terrible and I feel really guilty about what the child has been put through and is still being put through with the mind games and brainwashing. Sometimes I think the best thing i could do is just walk away and leave them all to get on with it.