WWYD re lack of birthday cards/presents

[EarlieBirdie]

Had DP's DD (18) and DS (16) over today as a belated celebration of their dads birthday which was at the beginning of the week.
Ordered a naice take away, got some posh desserts in etc. balloons and cards up everywhere.
Yet again, not so much as a card for him from them. DP is upset but won't say anything. Should I mention it to them or stay out of it?

Honestly, I'd say something really light and breezy- like "ooh if you needed an idea for your Dads bday present I think he mentionned he'd like x....I'm going into town later if you want a lift to the shops!"

I know it's tempting to tell them that their behaviour is not on, but it's such a minefield! for you

It's tricky...things have been difficult over the past few years particularly with DSD. Things seemed to be ok and all civil now though but this has really pissed me off.
DP took them away on holiday for his DD's birthday and bought her a bloody car plus bits and bobs. We certainly don't give to receive but it wouldn't kill them to buy him a card would it?!
I just hope I can drum it in to our two DS's that it's nice to give people gifts as well as get them.

I wouldn't say anything now because whatever words you use, they are likely to become defensive, afterall, they can't really make it up to it. I would however make sure to mention it lightly next year before his birthday assuming all is still well, reminding them ahead that they forgot the previous year and that this had hurt their dad's feelings even if he said nothing.

Thanks swing, I decided that was the best course of action too. Like you say, what's done is done now so best to move forward.
I just felt upset and angry for DP last night.

My DSS is like this. I used to say something as I knew it upset DH.

One year I told DSS that I thought it disgraceful that he could not be bothered to make his father a Birthday card after all that he does for him. So DSS quickly made a shitty little card drawn with biro and gave it to him. I did not bother to say anything again.

It is upsetting for DH and for yours too. Last birthday DH said that he feels that DSS just can't be bothered, he has money and passes shops on his way to and from school so there is just no excuse and he feels taken for granted. A bar of chocolate would have been a nice gesture.

A thread close to my heart!

It dawned on me the reason DSS doesn't buy his DF birthday cards/presents, Fathers Day cards, Christmas cards.

The reason was my DP unselfishly underplayed the importance of his special days, so that DSS wouldn't feel torn if the week of care didn't fall on those days. Never once during all those years did his Ex ever suggest that DSS spend the time with his DF. Meanwhile DP always encouraged his DS to spend the special days at his DMs.

He'll get his place in heaven, for the fact DSS probably thinks his DF doesn't care (but he does) but never felt bad for the times they didn't spend together. Its sadly one of the heart-breaking by-products of split care.

I've given up trying to undo the undo-able. Not sure if any of this is relevant to other people's situations, but thought I'd share what our family has been through.

I totally agree calico...I would be mortified if my children behaved like this. Actually, on that note, I do think parents have a vital role in how children view gifts (giving and receiving). DP and his ex really spoilt their DC's and both then really went overboard through guilt after their split. Those children have whatever they want. I make sure sometimes I say no to my DS's, they have to know that they can't have everything they want all the time.

We have this too - never, ever a present for DH from the DSCs (who are teens). I am appalled each time but also I don't say anything, apart from mentally think 'my children will never, ever be like this'.

Well sometimes my own DS doesn't get me a card. Other times he does - age 17 btw.

DSS did get their dad a card and gift each for his recent birthday - which was a nice surprise, as they don't always.

I don't nudge DS to get his DF a card for his occasions, as I figure that at 17 it is up to him to sort it out himself now. But recently he has bought him a card.

Never a card or a present here either since I stopped facilitating it. Seriously, how hard is it to send a card? Not a question of lack of money either.

This annoys me so much but I have given up trying to drop hints etc. DP gets a text on his birthday and father's day. It's disgraceful. I bet he wouldn't get away with that with his mum!

I think what upsets DP the most is how much effort he puts in for them and that they would never dream of treating their mother this way. Their mother is actually £££ money obsessed and has today contacted the CSA again for a reassessment as she seems to think we have tonnes of secret money! (totally irrelevant to this thread really but had to vent).

I really empathise with this topic, one of my DSC continually promises and doesn't deliver re gifts! I can clearly see how it upsets DH, but he will always make feeble excuses...pathetic! If my DC were as uncaring about me, I'd be heart broken and mortified!

It's a sore point with me this week too.

DSS is usually good at getting us cards etc. We've always got on well and he is with us 2/3 days a week. This year is was DH's 50th. DSS was going to Iceland on a college trip over his birthday (to which DH gladly paid half as usual). I thought of a really good present for DSS to get his dad and offered to order it online for him, DSS said yes please. DSS had been very excited about Iceland, so I forgave him for not leaving his dad a card before he went. He did text his dad on the day (yesterday). He arrived home today and rang his dad to say he hoped he'd had a good birthday, then said he was going to his cousin's party with his mum and then to bed afterwards as he was tired (got up early for the flight). No popping round to drop a card in for his dad. Even though we live in the same village.

I'm really upset for DH, who is also too nice to say something. We've had years of his mother cancelling things and double booking on our special events. Her family always have to trump ours. But I would have thought a 17 yr old could have made his own decision and dropped a card round to his dad, who adores him and has fought tooth and nail to stay in his life. I've loved this child for ten years, but tonight I feel so mad at him. I will be telling him that I'm disappointed in him and his manners. I love being a stepmum but occasionally.....!!!