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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex refusing planned contact - what to do?

10 replies

WyfOfBathe · 28/03/2015 20:28

DSD (age 3) lives with her mom most of the week, and stays with her dad and me from Friday afternoon (when DP collects her from nursery) until Sunday evening. This arrangement has been going on for 2+ years, since before I got with DP.

Yesterday (Friday), DP's ex texted him in the morning saying that DSD wasn't at nursery because they were going on a family day out, so DSD would be dropped at ours by 5.30pm

At 6.00, she hadn't arrived to DP sent a text - no reply. At 6.15 he phoned his ex, who said she was just giving DSD her dinner, and would bring her over at 7.00. At about 6.50 she sent DP a text saying that DSD was tired, so would be dropped over at 9.00 this morning (Saturday)

DP sent a text at 8.45 to remind her, and she called him back saying she had overslept and DSD would be at ours by 10.00. At 10.15, DP phoned his ex, and she said that DSD wasn't coming because she had a cold. DP pointed out that he does know how to deal with a cold, and to bring her over anyway, but ex refused.

After lunch, I called his ex - we normally get along quite well, even though her and DP are at each other's throats - and asked if she wanted to come over with DSD this afternoon just for a couple of hours, so that DP would still get to see his daughter. She then started swearing at me, telling me I was trying to brainwash her daughter into thinking I was her mom. She's never said anything like this before.

DP has been moping all day and he's now lying in bed crying. I have never seen him look so heartbroken, I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

CountingThePennies · 28/03/2015 20:30

The only solution is to go back to court im afraid

yellowdaisies · 28/03/2015 21:25

Is this out of the blue? Has something happened to upset the ex? You say you normally get on well so it seems odd. So you have DSD every weekend? As she gets older (and is at school/nursery most of the week,) you might need to let her spend half her weekends with her DM.

They could see if they can organise some mediation, though if she's going to swear at you then best to stay out of things yourself, and just support you DP away from his ex

tallulahlah · 29/03/2015 18:56

is this a one off? She is very young and at that age when they aren't well they just want their mum.

Does her mum work full time? It must be very hard for her if she doesn't get any weekend time with her, maybe she just wanted to spend some time with her, especially if she was poorly.

Court is a last resort, it's costly and not always very effective, your DP could end up worse off for it too so it's a gamble.
If it's a one off i'd be inclined to say forget about it on this occasion but if it happens again then your Dp needs to speak to his ex about whether the current situation suits her or whether there's another plan which would suit better. From my experience it's much better if you can try and work together rather than against each other, especially if you've already got the foundations of a fairly amicable relationship.

It sounds like she got the feeling that you were interfering by phoning her. Maybe she's having a bit of a tough time at the moment? Or just a bad day?

Hope you manage to resolve it x

springalong · 30/03/2015 23:16

CountingThePennies Sat 28-Mar-15 20:30:46
The only solution is to go back to court im afraid

Good god - the most ridiculous reaction of the year. Have you any idea hoe expensive court is? I do. FUCKING expensive.

This sounds like a one off but this is not normal that the mum doesn't get any quality time ie weekends with her very young child. Sounds very odd. You possibly need to move slowly towards giving mum more quality time.

CountingThePennies · 30/03/2015 23:43

Spring

Its quite cheap if you represent yourself and do all the leg work yourself.

Its only "fucking expensive" if you sit on your arse and want someone else to do it all for you

LargeGlassofWhite · 30/03/2015 23:46

I need to agree it was a ridiculous comment!

From what we know this is a one off, the child was possibly sick, they usually have a fairly good relationship.
Things might be back to normal next week and remain that way for many years to come.
Absolutely no need whatsoever to go to court at this stage, the suggestion was a total over reaction to the info we've been given.

CountingThePennies · 30/03/2015 23:49

Of course you wouldnt go back to court over one weekend were contact was refused!!

If it becomes a regular thing then op may need to

LargeGlassofWhite · 30/03/2015 23:52

But that's not what you said...

28/03/2015 20:30 CountingThePennies

The only solution is to go back to court im afraid

Maybe next time you may like to expand on your posts a little.

CountingThePennies · 30/03/2015 23:54

I did think it was a regular thing the contact stopping.

I didnt get the impression it was a one off

VanitasVanitatum · 30/03/2015 23:58

If she was unwell and just wanted her mum that could have been explained nicely. Some kids do in fact want their dads when they are ill.

Sounds like something has happened to upset the apple cart op, could DD maybe have innocently said something about you, maybe something nice she did with you, that made her mum feel upset at her getting close to you?

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