how not to step parent

[mindexplode]

I read a lot of these boards as my parents separated when I was younger and I don't think it was handled in the best way

so I thought 5 tips based on a childs perspective may help - I'm a grown up now but still have the scars and am nc with the parent who left

1. don't leave without saying goodbye, finding out a parent has left forever by coming home after a party is not good

2. don't make your child feel guilty if they want to do something other than see you, especially if you live hundreds of miles from their home

3. don't throw away their stuff when they are not at your house

4. babysitting your younger siblings does not make an exciting weekend

5. don't write them letters well into their twenties about how bad a daughter you are and they did nothing wrong

and I guess in this case don't marry an arse who controls your every move and means your own child never wants to see you

Sorry, is that how not to step parent, or how not to parent? It seems as though you're writing about your parent who left, rather than your step parent?

It sounds like you had a shitty time. How old were you when your parents split up?

My older SSs love spending time with my DD. 17 year age gap.

probably not how to parent but those things came from parents partner, parent just to weak to stop it

as a 13 year old I hated babysitting my much younger siblings so parent and step patent could have alone time

I don't know enough about your circumstances but it was your parents job to parent you and treat you right and I'm sorry that didn't happen but you can't blame your step over and above the actual person responsible for caring for you in my opinion. If I allowed my DH to treat my dd's badly, that's would make me a bad parent over and above it being his fault.

I don't think hanging out here is helping you. Most stepparents who post on here come here at the end of their tether. 9 times out of ten that is because either their partner or their partner's ex is making their life hell through poor parenting and the step parent gets the unenviable task of sharing their life with often poorly behaved, badly adjusted, angry, rude, distant children. So you're not reading the words of people at their best.

Most of us wouldn't want our step children to read these posts because they would be hurtful. Even if they were grown ups.

Re the babysitting. A lot of teenagers hate babysitting younger siblings. In our family we just had to do it. In step families it should be the same in my opinion. One of the very difficult things about being a step parent is that you are told on one hand to treat your steps like your own (it's their home and their family and they should be treated as normal) but on the other hand weekends must be exciting, they shouldn't have to do chores or babysit siblings, and if they don't want to meet their commitments to visits they shouldn't be made to feel guilty. In my opinion this is asking for the best of both worlds and giving in to this would be unfair on the child who deserves to be given boundaries and the experiences that children from together families have.

Maybe you should seek some help if you are still so angry after all this time. It can't be very nice carrying all of that around with you.

Sorry to hear your experiences OP, that was terrible of both your step parent and your parent.