Aibu regards to access

[shakerashakera]

So dss is 5 and stays with us 3 nights a week, 3 nights at his mums and a night at dh mums. we have him every other weekend and then 3 days through the week, problem is when we have him thriugh the week dh is at work 6 am to 4.30/6pm so he isnt seeing him relying on me to do school pick ups and drop offs.
Dss behaviour is awful he has no respect for me or my ds age 1. This morning he was naughty so usual punishment is naughty step wouldnt go on it went rigid and started shouting no at me so i carried him to his room and said he can have time out for 5 mins. Im at my wits end i have asked dh to change access days as when dss is here he is not benefiting from seeing his dad. I am a glorified childminder. Dh has asked ex and she says no shes not changing the days. where do we go from here ? AIBU to think i shouldbt be expected to put up with this or is it part of the parcel of step parenting and its never gonna get easier?

How did you end up with that arrangement? I mean what happened before you were around? Your DSS is ultimately your DH's responsibility for half the week, if his ex won't agree to cover those days, so he needs to sort out some other childcare if you can't or don't want to do it. But I can't see what other childcare he could put in place from 6am, so unless he can change his job, or you can manage as a family without his earnings, then maybe it would be best to approach the problem as a family rather than saying "your DS, your problem, I'm not your childminder".

Is there an after school club DSS could maybe do a couple of days a week, so his dad can pick him up later and you get a bit more time just with your DS?

Can you work together on things to manage his behaviour? Does your DH back you up if you discipline DSS? Are things amicable enough with DSS's mum that you could discuss collectively how best to manage him?

YANBU it is your DH and his ex's job to sort childcare. You can contribute to that as many SM do but in reality one you start doing this then there seems to be a growing assumption that you will always do it.

Don't know if there are sneakers clubs by you but these often do before and after school clubs including walking the children to school.

With the age of you DSS your DH can request flexible working hours once a year to his company and as long as he can explain why from a business point of view these new hours would still work then it is difficult for them to refuse. As an example one of our workers starts later but works what would normally be lunch break. Has lunch break at a time to pick DS up from school and drop at childminders then comes back and finishes shift. A lot depends on how close I suppose etc.

YANBU - another 'access by proxy' arrangement in place here too!

Yes to after-school clubs, and breakfast clubs if your school has one.

Yes to your DH changing hours too if at all possible.

Would your DH's Mum be prepared to have him while DH works? Could that be another alternative?

I can see the ex's point regarding not changing the schedule tbh - I generally agree access should comprise a mix of both school days and weekends so both parents are involved in their DC's academic life BUT if your DH isn't doing any school drop-offs or pick-ups.....maybe it's not so important.

Does the ex work? Is she committed to 50:50 or is it mainly your DH who wants that?

YANBU - I would give them a month's notice to make other arrangements, what they decide to do is their problem.

I know from experience with my own kids how stressful the school run is, but that's part of what I signed up to when I had children. It is not part of the job description as a step mother.

Sorry I'm feeling poorly today and very grouchy so maybe not as diplomatic as I'd normal feel

a month's notice to make other arrangements - would be fair enough if the OP and her DH were just BF/GF and maybe not living together, and if they were both financially independent. But as she has a 1 year old and is available to do the school run, I would assume her DH is supporting her financially. I don't see how you can say to your DH who's out earning the money for you and your family that you refuse to look after "his" child. I think if you marry someone and make a joint decision about which one of you will earn the money and who will stay at home to care for your joint child, you can't really turn round and demand that as well as earning the money they must also look after their own child. It clearly isn't practical for him to do so in this case.

But it doesn't sound like the present arrangements are a joint decision between the OP and her husband - i thought the DH had asked the ex to change the arrangements, but she refused? In which case the present arrangements are the ex's choice.

i thought the DH had asked the ex to change the arrangements, but she refused? In which case the present arrangements are the ex's choice

so nothing has changed in the OP's DH's life but the ex should just agree to a change and if she doesn't, then it's her choice.

Because that's how co-parenting works, isn't it?

Is your DS not SDS brother? Are you not his step mum not just a glorified child minder?

You sound like your doing your DP a favour, which you obviously are, but somehow aren't committed to this being a responsibility as an adult who is now a very big part of this young child's life. If you aren't taking responsibility then is it possible that you DSS doesn't see you as a figure of authority in control?

Can you make the decision to use breakfast and after school clubs yourself and inform your DH thats what you're doing?

I wouldn't ask the ex to change - she doesn't have to

You married someone with a child so some of the parenting/caring is also your responsibility.

Having said that I wouldn't be doing that many hours at it on my own and a compromise needs to be reached - like child minded/after school clubs

Do bear in mind though that your stepson is now yours too - he's your son and your sons brother and your dh's son - so you have to agree a way of parenting him with your dh

But they aren't co parenting. The op and his ex are co parenting.

I think the dad needs to talk to his child and say op is in charge and to do as he's told. There's got to be some boundaries and rules put in place and dad could say no weekend activities if op has said he's misbehaved.

A reward chart might work well but dad needs to step up and talk go him and the ex needs to reinforce this. Ultimately, if the op walks because she's had enough then dad and mum will need to find a solution to the child care issue. Dealing with the behaviour is the best solution.

They are co parenting/caring when the child is with the DH and the OP - she's not just a random adult, step-mother is a thing

needaholiday - no I agree an after school club could be a good idea. But it's about finding a solution together, not seeing yourself as a childminder who gets no say in parenting decisions. Ie "I'm finding it really tough picking up DSS 2 days a week, why don't we see if he'd like to go to the after school club?" would be much better than "I'm fed up of being your childminder. Sort your own child out yourself"

But by the sounds of things, even if the OP worked full time she'd probably still end up having to be the one taking DSS to breakfast club, because her DH leaves for work at 6am.
The OP isn't happy with the arrangement and it isn't really her responsibility, it's the child's mum and dad's responsibility (by law) to ensure their child makes it to school every day.
If the OP is not available to provide that childcare, whether it is through choice or circumstances, it is the parents responsibility to make alternative arrangements.

It would be interesting to hear how this arrangement occurred, whether these contact arrangements were made purely because the OP is available to do the school run.

But they aren't co parenting. The op and his ex are co parenting

then presumably the OP and her DH have discussed and agreed the current arrangement? If they haven't, that isn't the fault of the ex, is it? Why should she agree to change an established pattern of care when nothing has changed in her ex's life?

I am being difficult for the sake of it, I realise that. But without further information as to how the current arrangement was agreed, what the ex might be doing whilst the OP is caring for her children etc. etc. it is difficult to be able to give any other kind of considered response.

I regularly have to change established patterns of care with my ex - so much so that I now simply pay full time childcare to avoid problems because ultimately, the buck stops with me and I can't afford to lose my job. This is unfair - it puts additional pressure on an already over-stretched budget. Why should't I be able to expect him to pick a night and stick with it in all but the most extreme of circumstances?

I agree, I think dad needs to do some parenting because at the moment it's being left to the ex and the op. I don't think the ex should be doing more, I think dad should be talking to his son and supporting his wife because it seems unfair in the current set up.

Needa - I'm most certain that's what's happened, somewhere along the line either her DH has accepted a job with early starts on the basis that OP can do the morning school run, or the contact days have been arranged on the basis that the OP is there to provide the childcare. Either way this arrangement has been made to suit the parents, not to suit the child or OP.
As she points out in her post, she feels like she's just being used as free childcare, and that is exactly what is happening.

I agree it has nothing to do with the ex, it is an issue between OP and her partner. If she can't cope, then she and partner need to find a solution. It all comes down to what was agreed initially and I agree that if he is supporting the whole family financially, it is not unreasonable to expect OP to help out with his child.

It would seem that it is for an hour or so in the mornings 3 times a week and an hour up to 3 after school. That doesn't seem to be unreasonable. Children do have tantrums and although they can be selective with who they have them with, it's not a case that they spare their own parents!

If OP really can't cope, then they might need to consider breakfast club/afterschool clubs/childminder etc... in which case, OP will have to accept this comes with a reduction of disposable income.

Wow I've never looked at DH as being free child care, rather as DDs (his SDs) parent.

''Wow I've never looked at DH as being free child care, rather as DDs (his SDs) parent.''

But it all depends on the individual families and what they want.

My DH plays a parental role to my DS because he has been around since he was a baby and sees little of his bio-dad, he is a dad to him in all senses other than biologically. However, if he had a father who was playing an active parental role in his life I doubt that he would be playing the role that he is.

However, DS's Dad's girlfriend (who he's been with since DS was a baby) plays very little role in DS's life, she would never even look after him alone, just because there would never ever be a situation where there was a need for her to and she doesn't want that role and I wouldn't want it either.

I will sometimes look after DH's kids if, say one child wants to go with DH to the shops but the other doesn't etc, but I wouldn't be an actual source of childcare, unless it was for emergencies. It happened for a while in the past but I won't do it any more.

The difference in the situations though, is that DH is stepping in and playing a father role where one is absent.
With DH's children they have two full parents and two step parents, they don't need four full time parents.

5 can be a difficult age and starting school they can get very tired. I imagine that staying at 3 different homes each week can be a touch unsettling. He is probably too young to see the pattern and anticipate where he is going to be next.

Is it his behaviour that is the issue? If he was easier to manage would having him on school days still be a problem? Talk to DH and agree some parenting strategy. If you feel you can not have him after school then arrange after school care.

It will not always be like this, they change, but there are always challenges, especially with step kids.

I agree with butterfly as it is the behaviour that is the problem, not the childcare arrangements per se. Sometimes DC's go through phases of tantrums/poor behaviour and it is challenging for parents, regardless of whether they are step or not.

Is the behaviour bad all round, OP, or does DSS particularly difficult with you? Perhaps sitting down and working on some strategies would be a really good idea. I think as a family you can't just 'opt out' of dealing with one of the DC's in that family (not that I'm suggesting OP wants to do that).

BUT - this only works if OP is seen in a parenting role by the people who are putting her in that position. If you are undermined by your DH and not allowed to parent effectively, then that is a very different scenario, and yes, he then needs to sort out alternative childcare.