New house- am I being unreasonable?

[HormonalHeap]

Dh and I have just bought a house. My two dcs and dss live with us. Dsd 16 lives with her mother the other end of the country and spends 5/6 weeks of the holidays per year with us.

She has demanded a big room (without even seeing the house) that she can decorate to her taste. We do have that room, but dh and I had agreed to have an au-pair in the future once we are settled in.

Since dh got dsd's text asking for this, he has back-tracked on the au-pair.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's ridiculous to keep a room empty for 47 weeks a year? Dss will be moving out soon so she could have his room- but no, that's not good enough. Ready for honest answers!

It's all just a bit mad. My DS is nearly 16 and says at moment he wants to go to uni. If he doesn't want to go to a local one then he knows that I will make changes to his room so that DSS has more of an equal share in the space in his room than he does now. He also knows that if he comes back home to live after uni then that will change again as it will become his permanent residence again. DSD has own room but if at any point she stops staying over EW for a prolonged period of time then it would no longer be her room but she would always be able to use it IYSWIM.

I love my DSC and my DS but if they no longer reside then the space will be reallocated. If they want or need to reside again in future then fine we will change it again but I find keeping a room allocated to a specific person who does not live there feels a bit weird and almost like a shrine to them.

I don't think it's about not using the room as a guest room when the DSC isn't there - that's obviously the practical thing to do, you can't have guests sleeping on the sofa, or go moving other DCs around if there's a vacant room can you? But it is about marking out that a DSC has a place in the family - which can easily be threatened by saying that they don't have a room or anywhere that's "theirs" and they can just stay in the guest room like a guest.

The OP here seems to be lucky enough to be able to afford a house with space for everyone to have their own room, including her DSD. Her DSD isn't actually going to be around when they move if (as far as I can see from what she says) so all she needs is reassurance that there's a nice room that's going to be "hers" for her when she needs it. It's perfectly reasonable to get her to tidy it before she leaves, change the bedding and use it as a guest room - she doesn't need to give "permission" for this to happen, but there's no reason why it can't be handled sensitively so she feels at home in the new house when she is there - she may need a bit of "enticing" to feel at home in a house her DF has moved into whilst she wasn't there - but surely she can be given reassurances, without having to compromise the needs of the other members of the household?

I think for some reason children see bedrooms en par with 'pecking order'. I don't think anyone's worry is down to actual bedroom size, but in step-families jealousy and resentment so often prevails.

Dh's mission in life is to keep his children sweet whatever the cost or effort- and if that means dsd not knowing guests use her room so be it. Her brother mustn't even pay his own parking tickets- dh picks them up with a smile.

*Adult brother, that should read!

DH’s mission in life is to keep his children sweet at whatever the cost

And that’s usually half the problem …….

I think it's totally ridiculous for her to have her own room to the detriment of family life I.e the au pair. I honestly don't see why dsc should have their own rooms if not possible. They usually have their own rooms with there rp, I don't see how having their own room at NPR makes them more of a family member. My dsc share with my ds, it's decorated to his taste as it's his room the majority of the time, they have their own beds and clothes and possessions in there but it'd not their room. I grew up with a dsm and would visit my dad weekly I was 11 didn't need to spend the night to feel part of the family and was always included, didn't have my own room and survived

My DH was a stepchild to his Dsm. He slept in the dining room at his dads and dsms. He has an excellent relationship with his dad, dsm, and the children of that relationship. He did have his own room at his mums tho, in the town where he went to school and lived.

Oh, and me or my brother were often kicked out for guests in our nuclear family home. no drama

Purely because they have "step" in the name. If this was someone posting that their child had brought their own house but wanted their parents to keep a room at their specially for them people would say no chance. If it was a sibling in a non-step family insisting on not sharing people would tell them their child was being entitled and to get over it.

Throw a step in there and all reason goes out the window because you have to go beyond any reasonable length to accommodate or you are clearly damaging them.

Totally agree sanity

It is pecking order !

My own dc does it! She tried her best to have our room. Slightly bigger and has the middle room now which is a fair size. I'm not looking forward to the explosions when she is relegated to the box room (where dd2 is currently) if we succeed in having another baby this year. As both small dc willbe put in together. Dd1 also pays rent but I don't care we all have to muck in together.

We have 3 bedrooms and my 2 sons have a room each and when my DSS and DSD stay they share and give up a room for them.
When we moved in it was mentioned that our loft (soon to be converted) could become a bedroom for DSD but I refused. it will be an office/games room for all of us. No way would I have one room set aside for a child who is here EOW just because she is DP's favourite a girl!!!

We were always kicked out as kids for family when they stayed and no lasting trauma here either.

In our last house we had a room for resident Dd with a single bed, and a room for non resident DSD with a double bed. When dsd's elderly granddad came to stay for the night from abroad she decided it was best for him to go in DD's single bed, for DSd to remain in her double, and for my dd to sleep on the floor at the end of the double on a blanket rather than for her to go on the sofa or on a blow up in DDs room. In the end dd offered her single to dSd and dd went on the sofa happily.

My dsc's don't have their own rooms in my house. They have their own room in their own house so why on earth would they need 2. They are only here for 4/6 weeks a year. It doesn't bother them at all.

My dcs don't have a room at their gps when they visit their dad and it doesn't bother them either.

My DM & DF used to have foreign students to stay for weeks on end and if they were female I had to share with them & if they were male my DB's used to have to share. It never bothered us and I was sharing until I was 17.