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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

New house- am I being unreasonable?

40 replies

HormonalHeap · 26/03/2015 21:54

Dh and I have just bought a house. My two dcs and dss live with us. Dsd 16 lives with her mother the other end of the country and spends 5/6 weeks of the holidays per year with us.

She has demanded a big room (without even seeing the house) that she can decorate to her taste. We do have that room, but dh and I had agreed to have an au-pair in the future once we are settled in.

Since dh got dsd's text asking for this, he has back-tracked on the au-pair.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's ridiculous to keep a room empty for 47 weeks a year? Dss will be moving out soon so she could have his room- but no, that's not good enough. Ready for honest answers!

OP posts:

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bluejelly · 26/03/2015 22:00

I think every child benefits from 'a room of their own', even if they're not there much. We keep a room for eldest stepdaughter (aged 20) even though she's only home 2 months a year. Though it is the smallest bedroom in the house!
She shouldn't be able to dictate the size. That was probably just a cheeky request.
Unless you need an au pair urgently I would be amenable. You want to make her feel welcome in her dad's house.

wheresthelight · 26/03/2015 22:03

I agree she needs her own room as she is part of your family however little she stays. that said under the circumstances it would be the smallest room.

Finola1step · 26/03/2015 22:04

She gets a room to herself but the smallest.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 26/03/2015 22:07

Thanks bluejelly, I would like her to have a room of her own, I'm just a bit about her dictating which one it is! The other possibility is a lovely room, though smaller with an en-suite, nothing worse should happen!

OP posts:

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 26/03/2015 22:08

Thanks all, I now know I was only being partly unreasonable!

OP posts:

youmakemydreams · 26/03/2015 22:10

As a stepmum myself and have 2 dc that have a stepmum I actually don't think having their own room is the be all end all. It just isn't always possible for a start.
When ds1 and ds go to their dads ds1 shares a room with his half brother. Dd and her step sister each have their own rooms.
I don't see the problem with this. I really don't understand this everyone must have their own room thing. No what everyone must have is their own bed and some space of their own to put their things. If that is in a shared room so be it.

bluejelly · 26/03/2015 22:11

A small room with an en-suite sounds perfect. When she's not there you can let guests stay in it.
Best of luck with it all.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 26/03/2015 22:14

Thank you x

OP posts:

hesterton · 26/03/2015 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confused79 · 26/03/2015 22:22

I think if she has her own room at her mums then having to share a room or having a smaller one at yours isn't the end of the world. My partners kids all share a room when they come over at weekends but they have their own space at their mums.

Wdigin2this · 27/03/2015 06:06

Whatever room you allocate to her, will she be OK about you using it for other people (eg; guests) when she's not there? Because you are right in thinking it's daft to have a room empty for 47 weeks of the year, if you actually need it for other people!

Duckdeamon · 27/03/2015 06:09

Agree that many au pairs might prefer an en suite!

bimandbam · 27/03/2015 06:12

I shared a room with my 2 dsis when I was a child so never really had a room of my own when I was growing up.

Spoilt little madam imo. She should have her own space for sure. But if she is only there for summer then I can't see what she would put in it to be honest. Its not like she is there every other weekend throughout the year.

A guest room reserved for her use over the summer should be completely adequate. Clothes and thungs could be stored in it but I doubt anything she wears will last from one summer to the next.

SoupDragon · 27/03/2015 06:17

I would also consider whether an au pair would prefer the room with the en suite.

No way would I let the DSD dictate which room she gets though. I also wouldn't expect my children to do this with their father's house. I would expect a child who is there so little to have the smallest room.

needaholidaynow · 27/03/2015 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HormonalHeap · 27/03/2015 06:52

The ensure room is not a small room, has a double bed in it. Dsd is only here 3 or so weeks over summer and a week here or there over the other hols, but I thik Dh is trying to entice her to stay more.

I'm sure if we have guests we will be able to let them use her room in her absence, although I can imagine dh not wanting her to find out. Welcome to Disneyland.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 27/03/2015 08:31

I'd give the ensuite room to the au pair, then let the other children have the next biggest 3 rooms, then tell DSD whatever room is left. But tell her that you've set aside a lovely room just for her and she can decide how to decorate it when she's down next

Wdigin2this · 27/03/2015 09:23

Hormonal, I think you're right about DH trying to entice her to stay more often, but she is 16 and developing interests outside of either her mother or father's homes..ie:Boys!! Will she really want to come all that way to spend weekends where she has nobody to hango-out with doubtfull. And so it's unlikely her room, whatever it's size, will get used on a regular basis....give her the small one!!!

Storm15 · 27/03/2015 10:35

I use my DSD's room as a guest room when she's not here sometimes. We don't tell DSD.....what she doesn't know won't hurt her and all that.....

Def give her the smaller room. Stick a double bed in it. Decorate it with her in mind but so it can also be used as a guest room.

yellowdaisies · 27/03/2015 10:43

I think a lot of 16 year olds would be delighted with a double bed - you can probably get away with saying you've got one just for her but of course it'll come in handy as a guest room when she's not there.

catsmother · 27/03/2015 11:52

I sometimes read the threads on here and think I've fallen into a parallel universe somehow ...

.... what is the big deal about using a child's room for guests ? Why would it need to be kept a secret ? .... surely it's better they're told (not asked BTW) because they then have the opportunity, if they want, to either move stuff out of the way themselves (if a resident child) or ask a parent/sibling to do so (if not a resident child).

When I was a kid we didn't have a spare room so if anyone came to stay it went without saying that us kids would have to be shifted about in some fashion. I don't remember feeling traumatised by not having my own room for a few days ..... and just can't see what difference it makes at all to a child who's not even there (i.e. they're in their room and their bed at the parent with care's home) with the proviso above that they're offered the opportunity to have any stuff put away which they wouldn't want seen or touched.

sanityseeker75 · 27/03/2015 12:09

I am going against the majority here - I think someone who comes for 5 or 6 weeks a year (if that is in a block) does not need there own room. If that is 5 to 6 weeks made up of 2 days a week or something then yes own room but smallest.

SenecaFalls · 27/03/2015 12:28

I'm flabbergasted that people would think they have to hide the fact they are using a child's room as a guest room. When I was a child, I had the nicest room in the house, and I was always expected to vacate for guests. It was the same for my children.

Petal02 · 27/03/2015 12:31

Ah, Catsmother – totally agree, but since when did common sense or normality ever apply in step families??

And Sanityseeeker – I agree that someone who comes for 5 or 6 weeks per year does not need their own room! Providing you make the child welcome when she arrives, you really don’t need to keep a room empty for 47 weeks of the year.

SenecaFalls · 27/03/2015 12:34

Oh, I should have mentioned, I was in a step-family as a child and also as a parent.

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