Sudden hostility from one stepchild - how to manage?

[barbidou]

Using "stepchild" for ease although DP and I are not married.

DP is a fulltime Dad to 3 (he is a widower). Have been in a relationship with DP for 2.5 years, and been spending time with the kids for 1.5 years. All has been well, stepchildren have never seemed to have issues with me and I've always thought I must be one of the lucky ones. But recently DSD7 has been a bit off. Nothing major - but she has gone from wanting to spend time with me to ignoring me, or making slightly sarky comments, repeatedly asking when I am going home etc. The past 2 times that we have been together she has suddenly become "ill" - DP says she was fine before and after I was there and thinks it is to get his attention / concern. There are other little things like sitting next to me on the sofa then saying I need to move as her Dad is going to sit where I am, despite there being space on the other side of her and a whole other sofa she could have sat on. At times she is perfectly pleasant to me, but then it is like she has forgotten herself, and will randomly say something a bit off.

Mentioned it to DP and he seemed to think all was fine, and said we will see how it goes next time, when we have 4 days together.

Just looking for advice on how best to manage this if it recurs. She gets a lot of time with her Dad even when I am around - we have been very careful to ensure that - and often quite a bit of alone time as I entertain the other 2 SC. We are also conscious of the little things e.g. DP would never sit next to me on the sofa if one of the SC was sitting on the other, he would sit with them. Should I be actively trying to engage with her such as asking her to do something with me alone? Should I step back from her for now? Is it worth DP chatting to her?

I may be making a mountain out of a molehill but it really upset me as we have had a lovely relationship so far. It's also baffling as nothing has changed that I can think of to cause her to behave differently.

I wonder as she is getting older she realises you have more of a mothering role in her life and misses/feels guilty about that in relation to her own mum.

I would give her some space and unless your DP feels that she needs extra emotional support wouldn't have him 'talk to her ' as in give her a telling off. Her response isn't naughty it's emotional.
Not pushing in but still being friendly will allow her to pick up her relationship with you when she's ready if you force it before she is ready she may end up feeling resentful.

To be honest I dont have much of a mothering role - we mostly only see each other at weekends (not religiously) so DP carries on as if I am not there in terms of things like making dinners, bath and bed routine. I will be around, we will all go out together or sometimes just DP and the kids while I do something else. Or I will look after 1 or 2 of them while DP takes the other somewhere. I didnt want them to feel I was trying to take over a mothering role.

Oh dear really hope I didn't give the impression that I think she is naughty or needs telling off. I care about her a lot and it would only be a talk for DP to ask her how she feels about me being around to see if there is anything we can address. I've been either ignoring the comments she makes or responding in a normal cheerful way - no telling her off etc.

Your advice sounds sensible. I just hope she doesn't think I am spending time with the other 2 SC over her. :-(

I think my advice would be to share your concerns with your DP and don't let him brush them off, but trust his judgement about the best way to handle his DD. It may be he could talk to her about how she's feeling, or he may just want to spend some extra one to one time with her. But he's probably best placed to know how best to approach it.

If she's being actively rude to you I think you can gently set her straight, and expect your DP to back you up if necessary. She shouldn't be allowed to dictate where everyone sits for example. Is she the eldest child?

I'm hoping past 2 occasions may have been a blip and all may be back to normal next time we are together - I miss old DSD! But if things continue I will definitely bring it up with DP again.

She is the eldest. I wouldn't say actively rude - it is more an attitude, or slightly suggestive comments, which are out of keeping for how she is normally. She didn't dictate the seating - I said something like "don't worry, there's plenty of space for DP to sit" and that was the end of it (don't think he actually even sat down in the end...)

She has been giving very mixed messages - for example, I was in the bath one evening, and she actively came upstairs to post me a note under the door to ask how long I had been (!) but then when I came out and we were chatting, she was back to being off with me again. Because of her being ill, it actually meant we had a couple of hours alone one day, and she was her usual self the whole time, chatting and playing with me no problems.

I've been feeling really upset about it all and feel a bit pathetic because things could be a hell of a lot worse! I suppose this post was about trying to address it in the correct way to avoid making it any worse.

She is going through her 'I am in love with my daddy's stage'. Typical girl behaviour at that age. Don't worry about it, it is quite common, they grow from it when daddy start telling her she can't go out with her friends! However unpleasant the situation is for you, don't take it personally, if you were her mum, she would most likely be acting exactly the same way.

It is very much an age thing, try not to take it personally. I have been through it with 1 dsd at 8 and now dsd2 is 8 and doing exactly the same.

Love, kindness, lots of tongue biting and time, it will get better.

Don't know if that is good news or not... it's nice on the one hand if it's not personal to me but equally I had hoped it might be a one-off. It pretty much meant DP and I couldnt be in the same room together before her bedtime - even if it was with the other 2 DSC, DSD would still suddenly go off on her own / feel unwell / whimper (not saying whimper in a nasty way, it's not proper crying but little unhappy noises) so that DP would leave me and the other DSC to be with her. Not going to be a very happy home life if this is the new dynamic - meant the other DSC didnt see much of DP either.

If it is a phase it might pass quickly, don't be too down hearted. Extra tlc from both of you in the meantime will help her feel more secure and help it pass more quickly.

Thank you. I don't have children myself (guess that's obvious) so have no idea what might be expected from children at different ages, let alone children who have been through the loss of their mum, gained a "Daddy's girlfriend" etc. I'm a really sensitive person though so am going to have to develop a thicker skin.

Yes you do need to have thick skin, it all takes time though and a big learning curve. More often than not, these things aren't personal.

I think you do need a thick skin sometimes. But I do have children myself, and have been with DH 5 years now but still find I worry about what the DSC think of me in a way I never do with my own DC. I'm not sure the relationship I have with them will ever feel quite so secure

Yes, being a SM requires a skin like an elephant, but I agree with other posters, this is probably an age thing! Also, as the eldest of the DC she may be the one who remembers her mum more, and if her siblings are boys, she will probably react to you quite differently than they do. At the moment she's just protecting her role as 'daddies favourite girl', it will take a lot of patience and, if you're going to be permanently in their lives...right now is the time to ensure you and DP are on the same page going forward!

Siblings are girls - which if you are all correct about it being an age thing means I can expect the others to do this too, argh. We are going away over the Easter bank holiday so I hope we can all get along - I have no issue with any of them having alone time with DP when I am around (in fact it is something we try to protect) and it is very rare that DP and I are ever alone together before the DSC are in bed. Even if they are all engrossed in the TV we usually sit with them. But if alone time with DP just applies to DSD7 (who goes to bed later anyway to ensure she does get time alone with DP) and not the other DSDs, it feels like our little group is split in two. Fingers crossed for the bank holiday.

Hope things go well for you over the Bank Hols, and hopefully, by the time the younger DSD's get to this age family life will have settled!