16 year old DSD and associated costs...

[notharriet]

My DSD is 16. She has been pretty much estranged since August really with maybe three coffee meets with DH in that time always when she wants some money for something. There is a huge back story and possibly the easiest way to explain it is that she has been subjected to alienation techniques from her mother since being very small. From the time they divorced when DSD was 8 and until around the age of 12, she was with DH and mum 50/50 then at about 13 it all became very difficult and has never really been smooth from there.

What has happened today has left DH (and me) feeling confused as to what to do for the best. i.e. what is the right thing to do Vs being a mug.

So, she has asked him if they can meet up because “I’m about to turn 16 and go to college and at this age I need certain things from you that Mum can’t afford as my costs have gone up”. Now, DH pays CSA of course (around £380 per month I think), and he pays for her mobile phone contract which I think is about £30. Although she decided not to use the phone anymore when mum bought a more flashy one which mum pays for so this is essentially money down the drain.

Mum works very part time in a shop so there isn’t really cash available there. Although, they have a very large house and holidays, drives a BMW etc. so we think that Mum’s other ex might pay her quite a bit in CSA for their son. The reason I'm telling you that is because they are not on the bread line although I'm sure it's not easy.

Anyway... because we don’t have a teenager at home (as much as we’d have liked to have her in our lives!!), and have no idea about costs, we don’t want to assume that DSD is bullshitting and wonder if her costs have indeed increased and if we may be missing something? My head is telling me that at 16 must be when costs actually go down because they start to have their own life/ income etc. My thoughts are that DH could pay for half of any large items or expenses (books lists? Stationary?) but pay directly for the items. Which I don’t think he’d mind as he has always been happy to cover his responsibilities and if there really are sudden large costs, we don’t want DSd to not be able to have the things she needs. But I think she’s going to go more down the route of a regular amount of money paid to her for non descript items... which I want to help him to prepare for.

Am I wrong to think she should have a job in a supermarket or something? If it’s socialising/ clothes/ make up that she wants to be able to afford? I imagine her mum is at the end of her tether with the associated costs of a 16 year old girl and don’t expect that the £380 that DH pays goes very far if she’s having to cover make up, trips out, visits to her boyfriend who lives 80 miles away etc... But the dilemma we have is that if DH was involved DSD’s life he would be telling her to get a job. Because he isn’t, he doesn’t really have any control over any of it and it seems odd to pay a 16 year old pocket money when she could work. We have a little spare money, we’re not on a shoe string, but we don’t have a great deal and my opinion is that even if we did, I don’t agree with giving kids money for nothing. Even my 8 year old has to do a couple of chores for her £3 a week.

So, if you’ve got this far, my questions are:

Did you costs go up for your teenager when they started college?
What kinds of things were they?
Did they get a job?
Did you pay them pocket money?
If you are separated from their other parent – did the NRP pay for additional items for college on top of CSA and if so, what?

Thanks x

I am still with the the DC dad. During college (one has left and one going through) we pay for any bus passes, mobile phone, £20 per month, toiletries as long as it isn't a £10 pot of hair gel and some clothes (normally this would be what was needed rather than another pair if jeans to go with the 20 pairs at home). The only difference to school was that the travel increased by £20 a month

Both have had part time jobs including paper rounds. No reason why your DSD can't get a job.

I reckon it is/was costing us £100 a month. Perhaps he can give her £100 to cover travel and whatever else she wants to spend it on. You could take off the cost of the mobile from that figure.

Having been through DSC only bothering with their dad when they wanted money or being picked up from somewhere 100 miles away it really gets my goat that your DSD is doing this to him.

I too think that she could have the £30 a month once the contract ends, sounds good.
I don't think he should just hand over wads of cash, perhaps a couple of hours shopping for new stationery/bag/text books with a coffee and cake stop.

If she's not keen on shopping with dad, perhaps an amazon wish list with the stuff delivered to yours and he meets her for coffee to give it to her.
Spending limit agreed beforehand.

£30 a month once the contract finishes, and maybe a one off gift sometime this summer to help with new stationary, clothes, etc might be a good way to go. Is she Y11 (ie doing GCSEs this summer, rather than done them already?)

Thanks. yellow she is about to do her GCSEs. I might suggest a scheme such as £10 for a B, £20 for an A etc. to give the opportunity for a meaningful cash injection rather than money for nothing.

The easiest thing is tell her to get a job!! My DD is 16 and has been working sat & sun since she was 15. She is in her gCSE year but still manages her job. She loves it when her wage goes in every month and she can buy the things she really wants and it gives her independence and teaches her to manage money.

Foxey, I think it could be just what she needs. I was quite shy and at 14 got a job in a hairdressers, I worked there all through my GCSEs and loved the independence. It boosted my confidence 100 times over.
My parents didn't have the cash to give me but I think even if they had have done I would have had to earn my own. My best friend's parents were incredibly wealthy and her and her two brothers all worked through sixth form. I know it was a different generation back then so t's good to hear that we aren;t being too unreasonable to suggest she could get work and help herself before looking for handouts. Although i think the point about her confidence not quite being up to scratch right now and needing some support is spot on.

Saddest thing is that I have my own business and would love to offer her work had she not stolen from me and lied so many times.

The trouble with giving money for results is that if your DP hasn't been close to her lately he may not know what would be a good result for her - a B for one child might be a result of having been a lazy sod, as they're capable of an A* but for another child might be a fantastic result which they've worked their socks off for. But could be a good way into a conversation about her life, and how he wants to support her doing well.

The other option for earning some money if she's Y11 would be a summer job - a lot of them have nearly 3 months off between last exam and start of sixth form. I got a summer job in a cafe at that age. I don't think it's impossible these days either - DSD has had a Saturday job since she was 15.

Goodness she could save a bomb in that time!

He does get all her reports which show what grade she is on presently, what she can expect to achieve, and what she is capable of achieving so he could reward her for achieving what she is capable of I think.

I have to say that my dd's costs did go up considerably when she hit 16 as that's when they start to socialise properly, personally if she's studying for GCSE's I would not expect her to get a job in the run-up, but a part-time summer job? Definitely.

If they want to socialise then they need to earn the money.

My DD had a paper round during GCSE - it's not hours of work. She got a job starting as soon as exams were over.

My DC (grown) worked for pocket money from quite a young age...milkround, local shop etc, they had to I couldn't afford to give them much. I'm told that my (also grown) DSC worked for pocket money too! However, I have a teen SGC who does lots of expensive activities, and who does no work not even chores, but money is handed over like confetti...and guess who does the handing over, my DH of course! Drives me nuts.,!

Wdigin - how infuriating!

I've discovered through a friend who still has DSD on social media which sixth form she is going to and it is the same distance as where she is now - 25 minutes on the bus, or a 30 minute walk. So no additional costs there.

I think what it will come down to is - "The CSA should cover your essential needs. If there are any large purchases when you start sixth form I will pay for them directly. And if you want a social life you will need to get a job"

DP's DD is 16 in yr 11, so similar.
He pays a lot more maint than you have quoted - but that's income dependant so I don't think how much he pays to the RP is relevant to how he supports his DD individually.
If she was living with him he would be meeting her housing and living costs "needs", and would still then have the consideration of whether he funded her "wants".

I think he needs to treat her as he would if she lived with him full time. The problem is that there is;

1. A tendency to "Disney"
2. The overlying "threat" (implicit, explicit or even imagined) of the child withholding contact if they don't get what they want.

DP pays a phone contract for his DD, or 2 depending on where they are in the never ending "I need a new phone" saga.
He gives her a monthly allowance, I think £60.
He also buys her stuff when asked, not always but mostly. A lot of the time it is under the premise that she pays him back - sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't.

To me, I think he overdoes it - but that's because it's not how I parent my kids (but then mine are younger so I'll reserve the right to change my mind).
Partly I think because of points 1 & 2 above, but partly because that's how he is and he would probably have done the same if he wasn't separated from her mum. Obviously with a higher income your kids get more, but despite this I think you have an obligation to help them to become financially independent adults. I'm not sure where the line should be drawn tbh.

To her credit his DD got a part time job when she turned 16, although she has decreased her hours a bit in the run up to her GCSE's - which is fair enough I think, I would have encouraged my kids to do the same.

The potential for costs re clothes, socialising does increase as they get older. The extent to which parents fund this is up to them, and the child's response (get a job if they want more, or accept that they don't get more) is up to them.

Thanks Chasing. It's a tricky one isn't it.

If she was visiting us and in DH's life (paying in to the emotional bank account as it were!) I think he'd be more inclined to give pocket money. But as it is, and she isn't, and he doesn't know about her life or what she needs/ wants. It's a very cold transaction if money is ever given.

But taking on board what you say about treating her as though they were living together - both DH and I agree that at 16 we would expect a teen to help themselves or at least evidence that they have tried to find work before we'd had over money for nothing. As I said down thread - my 8 year old has to do some small chores to receive her few quid a week so it should follow that the other child is parented by the same standard ;)

So her Dad is so uninvolved in her life that he has no idea which college she is going to.

He only has that information now via a friend of his dp, and the friend only knows the information because she has seen it on social media. So essentially via the grapevine.

This is so not about the money. She has asked to see her Dad to give him the opportunity to show her he cares and is interested in her life.

I really hope for her that he is able to just go and have a drink with her, ask about her and her plans for college and listen to her.

Not through choice is he that un-involved Seth. He contacts her very, very regularly to ask about her life and gets nothing. He is always ignored or blocked out, apart from these infrequent requests to meet up to talk about something she wants him to buy or wants him to fund.

He is going to meet her and hear what she has to say. Although it won't be until next week now as she has had plans every day that he's suggested.

And so we wait....

Notharriet....i know how you feel!!!

Dsd1 has been nc for 3.5 years since the age of 14. We've neither offered nor been asked to contribute more than usual maintenance for her. I think even DH's ex realised this would have been a complete piss take given the circumstances. We've said we'll give dsd2 a £50 per month allowance when we stop paying for dsd1 in July. We anticipate she will have some travelling costs when she goes to 6th form or college somewhere else, but will probably ask her to use some of the allowance. I don't begrudge her anything and will always help her out when she needs it, our relationship is great and she's a wonderful girl. But to be real, she spends more on makeup and clothes than i can ever afford to and is always buying Pandora stuff so she's doing ok for money. We have also made the point that she probably ought to look for a job to help subsidise her social life etc. She takes it on the chin and doesn't question it. She knows she gets treated exactly the same as our ds and when he gets to her age we will expect the same from him.