Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

18yr old Step Son

25 replies

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 14:10

Hi,
Am I being uncharitable? I have an 18yr old SS who lives with us full time. He has a full time job (apprenticeship) and a car etc. What I'm trying to get across is that for all intents and purposes he's an adult.
I find it really weird that any time he has a stomach bug or minor illness, he calls his mum to come and collect him. He then stays with his mum, who arranges his doctors appointments and accompanies him to them. He'll return to our house when he feels better.
I think it's really weird. Whilst I enjoy having the house to ourselves as he's with his mum, I think he needs to man up a bit. Am I just being too hard? This illness is minor diarrhea with NO vomiting. It's been 24hrs. I really think he should be able to handle this by himself.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 24/03/2015 14:13

I'd be glad of the time he's out of the house!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 24/03/2015 14:14

I used to go to my nans when ill.

If it's not causing you any iinconvienence don't worry about it

Timetoask · 24/03/2015 14:18

Why are people desperate for yunguns to become adults he is only 18, still young

Original poster

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 14:22

I suppose that having been quite Independent myself at his age I just don't get it.
It's not something I'd bring up as an issue within our family as I, selfishly, enjoy the privacy when he's not there.
At what age would you expect someone to handle a minor ailment without parental assistance?

OP posts:

claraschu · 24/03/2015 14:27

If my parents were alive, I would like to go to my childhood home when I am ill. I'm 49.

Original poster

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 14:37

Even if you just had the runs? I get it if he has food poisoning or something quite nasty but I don't get it when it's a minor cold or the runs.
Everyone enjoys a bit of comfort when they're off colour but at some point he should be able to care for himself if he has a cold shouldn't he?

OP posts:

claraschu · 24/03/2015 14:38

Yes of course he should be able to take care of himself. I was just saying that it can be nice to have your mum bringing you drinks. No one needs that, but it's nice.

ImperialBlether · 24/03/2015 20:06

Maybe he misses his mum. Maybe you're not very sympathetic if he's a bit unwell. Maybe she's more sympathetic. Maybe he can lie on the sofa and sigh there without anyone telling him to get a grip. Maybe he loves her and when he's ill and she comforts him it reminds him of being a small child.

Original poster

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 20:35

Of course he loves her, she's his mum . I don't think that's under debate. Don't get me wrong, he sees his mum pretty much every other day. He's not imprisoned here!
I just think that as an 18yr old, any 18 yr old, it's kind of weird to call your mum to come and get you any time you are slightly under the weather when you have your own car and are perfectly capable of getting yourself wherever you need to be.
From my point of view, there comes a time in life when you have to take personal responsibility for your self, not to mention consider other people. His mum has to deal with toddler twins in and out of the car just because he feels a bit under the weather and then risk them both getting whatever big he has too.
I'm finding this group to be very aggressive. It's as though it's not a group for step parenting as suggested but a group for bio parents to bash and belittle step parents

OP posts:

Fauxlivia · 24/03/2015 20:42

18 isn't all that grown up. If you don't have kids that age, it's hard to see that in someone who looks like a man. But they are kids really. Natural to want his mum when he is under the weather.

Let him enjoy it while he can, before he gets kids of his own and has to just get on with things. I'd love to be able to go back to bed at my mum's and have her take care of everything when I am sick!

Tutt · 24/03/2015 20:45

He's still a kid, yes a big one but still.
My 18 year old would be the same and as I was kicked out at 16 I love the fact he is like that.
OP don't sweat the small stuff and if he's poorly and not in your home isn't that in fact better for you? I'd rather any illness was miles away from me.

I think you will find that there are a few that will bash but on the whole in my experience) the step-parent group here can be very supportive, just pick their battles.

PureMorning · 24/03/2015 20:55

I was a mother of a one year old and living in my own home when I was 18 but if under the weather I'd go to my dad's for tomato soup and sympathy.

Still do it at 29

Sethspeaks · 24/03/2015 21:04

It's fine. Everyone's different, we all learn to take responsibility for ourselves as we transition into adulthood at different ages and paces and in different ways. There's no one size fits all.

Original poster

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 21:08

Maybe it's not so weird after all then. I suppose it depends on what kind of family you come from in the first instance and yes, I do enjoy that bit of privacy when he spends time at his mum's house but there is a part of me which thinks he's being selfish given that she has very young twins full time with her which must be a nightmare to deal with if they are ill.

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 24/03/2015 22:06

It's defanatly not a group to bash step kids either

I had my own flat from the age of 16 and a toddler by 18 but I still went to my grandmothers. 18 is old enough but is it really a big deal? If his mother doesn't mind why should you.

DP is the worst when he has a cold. Rolls about in bed gasping for air coughing REALLY loud. He would love it if I tended to his every need but I just ignore him.

Original poster

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 22:54

Was I bashing my step kid or asking for opinions? Should I not be allowed to give my opinion on something involving one of my step kids? I do apologise. I must have completely misunderstood the idea of this group.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 24/03/2015 23:25

Don't be upset Sonny, I don't think anyone's really bashing you, just giving opinions...which you asked for in your first sentence. And for the record, I think a young man/woman of 18 shouldn't need their mum to coddle them...but obviously some do it anyway! It appears DSS lives permanently with you....be very glad he doesn't expect you to nurse him, and enjoy the freedom!

Original poster

Sonny1 · 25/03/2015 07:02

Your comment on a different thread has shed some light on this for me Wdigin2this. Maybe he's not being a little bit pathetic but maybe it's an attempt to get his mum to do some real mothering. I feel like I have a better grasp on why he feels the need to be coddled by her. Thank you!

OP posts:

Sethspeaks · 25/03/2015 09:29

No one is bashing you Sonny, you asked if you were being uncharitable and hard, and people answered you.

You have your experience of being that age and what you were like and doing. Others have a different experience of it.

You will get some great advice and support here. And some total bunfights! A hot potato is the use of bio mum or BM and that can press people's buttons and derail supportive threads. If you stick to just using mum or the ex/xw it won't ruffle feathers.

Sethspeaks · 25/03/2015 09:36

Oh and yes, wdgin is probably spot on about him wanting his mum to show him she cares. I hope he gets that from her.

Original poster

Sonny1 · 25/03/2015 10:50

Me too. Its awful seeing the way things are for them and their mum at the moment but there is little we can do, as she doesn't want our assistance, without being interferring.

OP posts:

Sethspeaks · 25/03/2015 10:52

I understand, I've been there.

redskirt · 25/03/2015 23:23

It is an aggressive group, I don't dare ask for advice here!
Are there other issues that are bothering you about stepson that maybe this particular one is relating to? It sounds trivial but is obviously irritating you.

Wdigin2this · 25/03/2015 23:31

Not sure what I said, but glad if it helped!

Original poster

Sonny1 · 26/03/2015 09:11

You're probably right Redskirt, there are no major issue with stepson, for which I am very grateful, but it probably relates to my feelings about having the 3 DSCs living with us full time and different levels of care and behavioural expectations between households.
I often forget that kids of all ages can be very self involved and rarely look at the bigger picture. I find DSS can be incredibly inconsiderate and rarely does anything for himself if he can get someone else to do it for him. I think it's important that he learns to stand on his own two feet but there is always someone who is prepared to let him sit back whilst they do it.
The frustration gets the better of me sometimes and as I know, it's frustration I'd rather not bring up the small stuff at home. Having somewhere to vent about it is helpful.

OP posts:

Flip