Help with 18yo SD

[Whitehydrangea]

I've been with H for a few years now and married for 3 months. I've always had what I thought was a good relationship with SDs who are now 15 & 18. After splitting from their mum H had never introduced anyone to them so I was the first person they had to share him with. I've never tried to mother them and if anything have tried to minimise my impact on their lives. H has them every other weekend. We had to move away with work so now live elsewhere during the week so I don't Always come over with him at weekends as I wanted him to continue to have one on one time with them.

We have been struggling lately with eldest SD in terms of actually seeing her when we have them. She is 18 and now an adult so has her own life/work/boyfriend so whilst she comes back to sleep and is happy and chatty when she does, we have a hard time spending any quality time with her. Even when I'm not there she is out partying and then sleeping or working so H felt like he never sees her. H was upset at this but I pursuaded him it was the natural way of things and he needed to let go.

Well just had his mother round saying that SD broke down in tears saying she feels like she has lost her Dad. That they are now 2nd best to me. That he isn't as silly or chirpy with them anymore.

I am at a loss as to how we could do things differently. When we have the SD we don't go anywhere or do anything on our own. Everything is about them. Now they are teens everything we suggest they don't want to do and most of the time just want to spend time with their friends. So we sit in the house doing nothing waiting to ferry them around or cook their meals. We get plenty of time without the SD and I have neve begrudged doing this but to hear that this was all for nothing I feel really angry. H doesn't feel like he is any different around them.

So what do we do now? What can we do differently? And how do I step parent an 18 yo who I barely see and clearly has issues that have never been spoken about. I feel like just saying fine I won't see them again and they can have you all to themselves every other weekend but the adult part of me knows that isn't the answer. Just feel defeated.

It sounds as if you have done a great job of being a step mother. At 18 they do have their own lives and contact weekends do not really fit in with them.

My DS 17 does not do his contact weekends with his father any more. I had to tell his father this was not personal and he had to find other ways to see him. They now go to the gym together and sometimes have a meal, but it is different.

Maybe she is just trying to get sympathy from her grandmother, or she is feeling that she is missing her father even though it is because she is growing up and doing her own thing. Are there things they can do together.

I would not see this about you and try not to get upset.

I suspect she simply can't see that it's her creating the problem. Teenagers are very selfish. Even the ones who have everything done for them,like to think they're hard done by.

Your husband needs to offer alternative contact that is more adult and suitable for her. I would expect her to keep turning him down though.

Don't take it personally. In a few years she will look back and realise what a cow she's been.

You sound lovely and I think you've done all you can to build relations with her. I really wouldn't take this personally.

I think all children will find it hard to adjust when a parent meets someone whether they are 5, 15 or 35. And even if not hard there is still a change to get used to and unexpected emotions may come up.

She has expressed an emotion to her nan. And that's perfectly ok - it's how she feels. Could your dp just talk to her about her feelings and reassure her? She possibly just needs to feel heard and it may be that he has changed towards her without realising it. They just need to talk it through.

I suspect that you are an easy target to lay the blame on when in actual fact this would have happened naturally regardless of your presence. She is growing up and has a life of her own and they neeed to make the transition from father child to father adult child relationship and that might require a different contact arrangement.
I had a similar experience with DSS, who would turn down the standard twice weekly trip to the football with Dad as he was doing something else with mates. He had also stopped playing for his local team so, in effect, had stopped that activity with his Dad too. DSS approached me to say he wanted time with his Dad without me around. I was thrilled, off the hook, but also had to explain to him that the reason he was seeing less of his Dad was through his choices and actually had nothing to do with me.

This had not occured to DSS becasue I was there to take the blame for anything which wasn't how he wanted it. This wasn't done maliciously by DSS, he just had no idea that his default was to blame me, because I was there, rather than taking a step back and looking at what was really happening.

He now makes an effort to join his Dad at football matches and invites his Dad to do stuff with him, etc. He's discovered that the success of his relationship with his Dad actually has very little to do with me.

He now actively comes to me and I'm always there to lend an ear to him and show him an alternative perspective if they are not seeing eye to eye, which before this instance would never have happened because I was viewed as someone taking his Dad off him. Sometimes an open and honest, calm conversation can change things for the better.

Don't get me wrong, the 3 DSC drive me nuts and the situation is by no means perfect, but this aspect of my relationship with DSS did change for the positive after that.

Thanks everyone. I was really upset on Friday but have calmed down a lot now.

H had a long chat with her and eventually it all came out that what MIL said was not actually an accurate reflection of what DSD said. Apparently DSD is upset that she feels criticised by her Dad a lot and when she does see him he asks those awkward questions that teens don't want to answer. Like, "if you pack in college what are you going to do" etc.

DSD is in that awful transition period where she wants to leave college but hasn't a clue what she wants to do. Truth be told I think she would be quite happy at the minute doing nothing but hanging out with her mates. This will change when her mates get jobs and lives start moving on but at the minute the only person trying to get her to think about the future is her Dad. Ironically I said to him only a few weeks ago that he needs to stop sending her job adverts and links and back off as I thought he was pushing her too much.

Anyway they had a good chat and he has reassured her over various things and we are having a weekend in London in May with both DSC. I think the advice to mention to her that she needs to make more of an effort to see her Dad might also be helpful. Although also during this weekend have found out some bad news on youngest DSD which I will post about separately!

Gran is a different matter as H thinks she took what DSD said and used it for her own agenda to have a go. She is a very toxic woman and I try to keep out of their arguments as according to her H is the worst son/father ever and I have simply added to it all.

Gotta love MILS with agendas! Glad it's moving on in a positive way.