massively concerned - not sure what we should be doing if anything

[butterfly2015]

Quick background. Ohs ex left him in 2010 taking their dd with her. In 2012 she met someone new and I got together with oh. Me and my kids moved in with him (we were living far too far apart prior to this). We were having his dd over eow plus extra as she was going away long weekends with the new bloke. There have been issues with the kids but we were working them out.

Last year ex moved in with the new bf taking dd with her and also my ohs oldest dd. Oldest is still there but mainly living with her bf. Youngest (age 11 nearly 12) was taken out of school here and is now settling into her new school. Contact has been drastically reduced. We are on esa due to oh being in a bad accident and we don't have the money to drive 160 miles eow to do pick up and drop off twice. So it's mainly holidays now although last holidays oh asked for the whole week and got given three days ...his dd was actually at various friends and relatives and we got the last three so we could drive her home.

About a month ago his ex told him she is ill. She has cancer. Oh bumped into her bf at the hospital today and found out ex has been in for the last week and she's not reacting to drugs. This was at 2.45 and an hour's drive from their home so I don't know who is looking out for dd?

Should oh try and talk to ex bearing in mind she says it's nothing to do with him. Should he be doing anything? I am loathe to suggest a ro unless it's essential but it's worrying that ex is not able to care for dd and her bf has brain damage which causes memory loss and he can't cope with stress.

Really would appreciate any suggestions at all or ways oh could talk with dd about this. They are still married too.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds really tough.

I think he needs a really serious talk with his ex, but in the gentlest way he can.
There's likely that she's struggling to come to terms with the situation herself.
I would suggest he starts by going down the route of "I'm really worried about you, is there anything I can do to help? If you're too poorly to look after DD I think she'd be best to be with her Dad" kind of thing.

But if you live so far apart then if she moved in with you it would mean moving schools, i don't think that would be best for anybody at the moment.

If the cancer is terminal and the worst thing did happen then your OH would be likely to get custody. But when the time is right she could do with writing this in to her will to make things as straight forward as possible.

He spoke to her this morning. She said her mum has an infection and she's not unduly worried. Mum was having another biopsy yesterday so it seems sd hasn't been told the truth which I can sort of understand but it makes it harder for my oh as he does know.

It's all a bit messy as we really don't know what's going on so until oh is given some facts he can't support her and my concern is if sd isn't told the truth and the worst happens she won't be prepared for it.

Oh does need to talk to ex but can't while she's in hospital and I'm worried she will not tell him the truth either.

I think there's a lot of uncertainties at the moment, but you need to just wait until she's ready to tell you.
Tbh I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing my health problems with my ex. She's probably just hoping that she will make a full recovery and there will be no need to involve others or prepare DD for the worst.
I don't think I would tell my DCs I had cancer unless I knew it was terminal, I wouldn't want them thinking I was going to die unless I definitely was.
I think you just need to wait and be ready to help the ex if/when she needs it, and just try and be as supportive and open with her as you can.

You need to speak to the ex not the child. She won't know what's going on & at the very least you need to be confirming & supporting what she is being told. My DH has cancer but we have not told the DC (7 and 12) this. They know dads been ill & has had 2 operations but a this stage there's no need to scare them silly.

I agree with pp, offer your support & be prepared to step up & help when needed.

I agree with tallulah, now is not the time to bring anything up. I'm sure the mother has other things to worry about then any concerns her ex is having. The child is old enough to tell her dad if she is not being cared for properly.

Unless there are serious concerns in regards to her welfare that are raised by the child or the school then I would step away from it and let her mum and partner deal with the situation. She'll get in touch if and when she needs to.

I agree, if I had serious health issues, my last concern would be my ex and I would consider that I deal with telling my children to be mine issue, not my ex and certainly not his new partner.

I think you are jumping 20 steps ahead of the situation = ro!

Your OH needs to go and see his EX - not a phone conversation and find out what is going on, if he is that worried. Her bf has given him information and he can now ask, if she needs help, Easter holidays coming and she may be relieved for the respite from child care. Also talk to his eldest DD.

Absolutely nothing wrong in the Mum not telling the kid the truth at the moment.

Then find out what support he could offer for his DCs and their Mum, with respect to their well being.

Talking off ROs at this stage is just crazy, no evidence that the kids are being neglected

Sorry I should have been clearer. Sd knows mum has cancer but hasn't been told why she's in hospital. Ex actually rang my oh crying when she got diagnosis and was on the phone for over an hour. She has also sent emails criticising our lack of support to sd. We can't support her as we are at a loss as to what's going on and who knows what. I would just appreciate some conversation openers oh could use with her that means she opens up rather than saying fine.

Just to point out, when oh was in hospital over a year ago I was getting hounded by text messages demanding she be able to take sd in to visit. Oh was in hdu and no kids were allowed. It was an awful time not helped by her insistence on knowing everything going on several times a day and I found it hard to deal with. His sister took over as a go between in the end. I don't want to put her partner (who is a nice guy) in a position he isn't comfortable with so oh phoning ex is the only option. He's not going to drive 40 miles to be told to get lost.

I'm trying not to bad mouth ex, she's not a bad person but she's said some horrible things about me to oh and blamed me for things which weren't my fault. Sd didn't want to move but was promised a puppy (which never materialized) and that she would be driven back here weekly to do an activity here which is now down to once every three or four weeks. Contact with her dad has also been cut from eow to once every two months. Sd started having "accidents" when told she was moving and they are still happening. in bed and at home and when out. Sometimes every day. Ex is not able to take her to hospital appointments and we just don't have the money to keep driving back and forth.

I have suggested oh ring ex and offer school holidays which we did before (and got a snotty response) and also to find outwhat's going on with her'

Sorry forthe long post

I think you have to separate things and are confusing loads of issues past and present. Communication issues and sleights here are clouding your views and right now - sorry his Ex, the mother of his children, having cancer and supporting his DCs should be his priority.

Contact is for both her and your OH to sort out - circumstances have changed but this is not relevant to this debate. Neither has her wanting to know about her DCs father being in HDU etc etc.

Phone calls, like emails are piss poor ways of communicating in a stressful situation. A quick I am fine down the phone, is probably not what is really going on but looking someone in the eye as they stand there is a different matter.

Your household budget has to include factoring contact with his DD.I accept she moved away but right now it comes across as -we have not got enough monies so that is it......

My Ex comes from Oz, our household budget when together had to factor going home to OZ every 2 yrs, his family time, DCs other side of the family time, plenty of times we did not do other stuff because we had to go DU - it costs a fortune.Believe me sometimes I wondered why we did but it was his time with his family who have incidentally supported me without question since he did a runner.

My oh is still off sick, we are surviving on esa. Having to pay out to drive down and back four times a week would cripple us. I have two children who are already doing without and we can't cut back anymore. Really, if it was feasible we would. But we can't just find money we don't have. We don't have days out or treats as it is. Our food is 60 a week so to take fuel money from that wouldl leave us with 20 a week for four of us. We've already had to find money to clothe sd as she was growing out of stuff here so I'm not being difficult, just there is nothing.

Op I understand you can't Magic the money out of thin air, going from having an income to being on benefits is a huge cut.
Benefits are designed to give you just enough to live on, not enough to pay for 160 mile car journeys every week.

I do agree that you need to separate some of the issues though. Like the circumstances surrounding the move etc are pretty irrelevant. You need to try and forget about things that have annoyed you in the past and just focus on DSD and working out a way you can support them.
What about public transport? Would that be a cheaper option for you?

As for conversation openers you can use more open questions rTher than "how are you?" You can try "how is your treatment going?" And "how can I help?"
But you do need to be prepared for her to just not want to talk to her ex about her health, and she's within her rights not to.

I'm thinking more of ways to talk to sd. Oh talked to her this morning and he said she was giving one word answers. She said she was going to see her mum today and oh suggested sd and mum's partner pop in after (we are near the hospital) but we heard nothing. I know how hard it is with the travelling and the worry, so I'm not surprised.

I'm concerned about sds issues with her accidents which haven't got better since they started, the fact that she's not got an outlet for talking, she's worried but bottling it up and she won't open up to oh who is really concerned. He can't talk to ex while she's in hospital, her partner gives minimal information and exes sister didn't even know she was in.

Sd really doesn't have any support where she is, her older sister is either at work or her bfs and partner, although a nice bloke, has issues with stress because of a brain injury. I honestly don't know what to suggest to oh.

Absolutely nothing has been straight forward over the last two years. Sometimes I want to stay in bed forever!!

Sorry I find this story confusing too, I think it's because you are very upset, and I can see why.

Are you saying that your 11 year old DSD is having accidents? If that's the case that's very disturbing, I think just generally this sounds very sad and like she might be in real emotional trouble. I'm so sorry she is going through this.

I agree you need to talk in person to her mum, when can you afford to get over there? Is there any other possible way at all for your OH to get there cheaply, alternate transport methods? Could a family member loan you petrol money or help? I really think he just needs to get to his child. I appreciate her health issues are private but in terms of how able she and her network are to care for their child right now is his business, and of course he wants to help if he can. It feels like he just needs to straight ask do you need me to help you right now. Even if it's to take her over Easter or for a few months, if it would help mum.

Longer term it sounds like more help is needed, I think he could talk to the school, they can be incredibly helpful, teacher can tell you how she is getting on generally.

I'm really sorry her mum is ill, I hope she is ok and that your DSD is doing ok. Sounds like a very difficult situation.

Yes, she's wetting herself a lot. It started last year when her mum told her they were moving and its escalated. She's seeing a doctor at the hospital who says if she wets the bed or herself she has to clean the mess as she's capable of holding it in. She's quite blatAntly wet herself when we've been out, once with friends which was awkward as other kids noticed and made comments. The info from the consultant came from her mum to oh. I have not been involved, I've said nothing to dsd but if I've noticed will quietly pull oh to one side and let him know so he can deal with it.

Ex is still in hospital which is 10 mins from us. No idea what ward or whether it would be appropriate for oh to go and see her while she's in. Officially we don't know she's in.

I agree it's complicated and messy. The older dd who lives with his ex is her dsd, she doesn't see her own mum. But the 11 year old is the biggest concern and I'm worried that she's kind of lost and has no support.

Oh is going to ring the exes bf and see what he suggests.