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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Birthday present split

12 replies

mintycake · 17/03/2015 15:26

My Dh and I have split the children still stay in family home with dad. As that is what works best for us. I see them everyday in their house except I don't sleep there . My ex Dh and I are very amicable and both have new partners. My ds 6th birthday is coming up and we decided to put present and card from mum and dad but my new partner said he was shocked I was doing this as I should be sending a separate card and present now. I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing as we are still his mum and dad even though we are not together. Has anyone experienced this or can advise me on what I should be doing. Thanks

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 16:05

on the fence

on one hand it's lovely that you get on and the kids can see that you are still a unit as far as parenting is concerned

however at 6 that could also send misleading messages about mummy and daddy getting back together.

how recent is the split?

either way do what works best for you, exh and kids

Original poster

mintycake · 17/03/2015 16:37

Thanks for your reply, I am so confused right now. I thought I was doing the right thing but now I am questioning myself. We split 10 months ago. My new partner also finds it strange that I spend so much time in my ex house but we wanted to keep one home for the children rather than splitting them between two houses. So I come in the morning before they get up and then take them to school then dependent on my shifts. I collect them from school and take them to there house and fix dinner, baths, homework just like I always did then I say goodnight and go to my house. Every other weekend my ex goes to stay at his gf house and I stay with ds's in my old house. I don't know maybe I am doing it all wrong. I don't want them to be more confused I was trying to keep things steady for them.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 16:50

at the end of the day you are doing what you think is best for your kids. if your exh agrees that this is working then it honestly doesn't matter what anyone on mm says or you new bf thinks about it!

I guess the "norm" that most people experience is the opposite of your arrangement because divorce is usually acrimonious. however if you are making it work (and it sounds like you are) then keep doing it as you are doing it!

at the bottom of it your bf has 2 options, accept it as the way life is or bugger off. if you only split 10 months ago he can't be all that long term yet so imo he doesn't get a say (sorry to be blunt)

Original poster

mintycake · 17/03/2015 18:03

Yes I think you are right. I need to do what is best for the children and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. Thanks for helping me get my mind straight again

OP posts:

catzpyjamas · 17/03/2015 18:09

minty, if you and your ex can make that work, go for it. Far better for DCs separated parents to continue to show a united approach than to end up competing, disagreeing and DCs playing one off the other.

hesterton · 17/03/2015 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Foolishlady · 17/03/2015 18:13

I think you may have to let your partner go. There aren't many partners who would be happy with this set up so it may affect your relationships going forward but it is up to you how you conduct things to best suit your children.

iwishicouldsing · 17/03/2015 18:20

I think you and your DH are doing a great job. It is lovely that you are putting the children first and giving them such a loving, supportive home. I hope my DH and I could do the same if we ever separated.

lunar1 · 17/03/2015 20:47

I think it's lovely that your children are remaining in the family home and you are both working around them. Do they understand that you have separated?

Original poster

mintycake · 17/03/2015 21:37

Thanks everyone. Yes they know we have separated they don't really pass comment on it apart from 5 year old occasionally saying things like why dont you stay here anymore and pointing to the bed once and saying you used to sleep at that side of the bed and dad slept at that side and now dad just sleeps there on his own. These are the times my heart gets sore.

OP posts:

Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 22:04

I think it's great that you can both be so sensible in putting your children's needs first but longer term is this set up sustainable? Will your ex be comfortable with a long term partner of yours coming to his home and sleeping in his bed with you 3 years or so down the line? Will your current partner be comfortable sleeping in the old marital bed? Or do you forever keep those two lives separate?
As much as we must put the children's welfare first we must also have to consider other people's feelings. It's very easy to say "if my new partner doesn't like it, tough" but is that really anyway to treat someone you love?

elastamum · 24/03/2015 22:35

What works for you is fine. My ex and I buy joint presents for our DC and we have been divorced for 6 years. We have keys to each others houses and often pop in to pick stuff up or drop stuff off.

We both have new partners who aren't bothered at all by this. We are amicably divorced - much better for children than being at each others throats.

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