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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Doing all chores on non-DSC weekends

21 replies

juliej75 · 17/03/2015 10:23

I'm getting a little fed up of always saving 'fun' weekends for when the DSC come to stay.

We don't have many jobs to do at weekends as I bust a gut during the week to make sure all housework etc done after work, but there are inevitably times we have to go to the shops etc for boring stuff I haven't had time for in the week. But we never seem to do this when DSC are here.

It's starting to really bug me as their DM doesn't work so can do everything during school hours, leaving them with parent time every day after school (mine are in after-school clubs until I finish work) and non-stop attention at weekends too.

I feel bad for my DC that they don't get as much time with me, then also have to put up with jobs at weekends. I probably feel resentful generally, as DSC have the SAHM and also twice as many holidays and birthday/xmas presents as my kids.

Am I being mean for wanting to 'share the pain' of boring weekends? It's not like it would make any difference to my DC or me.

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sanityseeker75 · 17/03/2015 10:35

No you are not being mean. Your DSC's are either part of your family and therefore have to suck it up on the weekends when there are jobs or they are visitors who need to be entertained.

Don't compare yourself to their DM as her circumstances are not the same as yours and the bitterness will grow (I was in similar situation as you).

Are your DC's your DH's? If that is the case then regardless of 2 lots of everything they get yours get their mom and dad together all the time.

How old are the DSC's?

Original poster

juliej75 · 17/03/2015 10:58

Thanks, it's nice to be reassured that my DC do have benefits from their life ('together' parents), even if different benefits from those of DSC (holidays, attention).

DSC are primary school age and not demanding of treats, nor is DH a Disney dad. I just started to notice that boring stuff wasn't terribly evenly shared out...

(Incidentally, my DC don't all have the same dad, but my ex is an unreliable, lazy waster so DH is the de facto dad and a bloody good one too)

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sanityseeker75 · 17/03/2015 11:12

I don't know if this will help but when ours were younger we gave them a calendar and we told them that we would do something fun once a month and they took it in turns to pick the fun agenda. We set a budget and marked whose turn it was each month.

The other weekends were for jobs and normal everyday stuff. Ours liked some of the boring stuff like food shopping. It was easier for us in someways because my DSC came EW anyway so they got that it could not be a one stop entertainment shop all the time.

CocktailQueen · 17/03/2015 11:14

I think it's a bit daft going food shopping at weekends with dc anyway. Do an internet shop in the week! Much quicker and easier. Then you can do fun stuff at the weekends.

needaholidaynow · 17/03/2015 12:16

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 12:30

Not everyone likes Internet shopping for food cocktail

op the kids need to learn that dad's house isn't just a fun palace and that the dull boring stuff has to be done at some point.

needaholidaynow · 17/03/2015 12:37

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PeruvianFoodLover · 17/03/2015 13:40

It seems to me that NRP can't win- I've seen complaints from RP on MN objecting to dads house being a fun palace leaving the RP to do all the mundane stuff, but other posts from RP complaining that the DCs are "forced" to do chores and trail round garden centres with their Dad and family even though they only see him EOW.

Sadly, it seems to be another one of those things that is influenced heavily by the RP - if mum is happy, then she'll reinforce dads approach regardless of what the DCs say, but if mum doesn't agree, then the DCs pick up on this and object all the more.

Original poster

juliej75 · 17/03/2015 14:24

Thanks all. I do all I can online (food especially), but you can't get a bike fixed online etc.

I do understand the reasoning that we don't see DSC as much and therefore it seems a 'waste' to spend time with them trailing over to a specialist shop or whatever. It just seemed unfair that my DC have to suck it up and they never do, at either house.

I will try to arrange things for everyone's convenience in future rather than working round their visits (as I said earlier, DSC wouldn't mind I don't think) - and will also try to focus on the benefits to my DC of their lifestyle!

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 17/03/2015 15:07

Why can't you split it up? Does everyone have to go do a food shop or get the bike fix? Couldn't he take his children to the bike shop or food shop or stay home and do some chores with them while you run errands with your children? Then spend some time as a family in the afternoon or evening.

slkk · 18/03/2015 09:38

I agree that dsc are part of the family and need to fit in if jobs need doing. However We do try and make sure that if poss we have quality family time when they are here. I think that as they can't have their parents together and have one home, they might as well enjoy the other benefits - extra holidays, more quality time and fewer chores etc. I'm sure if given the choice they'd opt for both parents together and in love.

concretekitten · 18/03/2015 12:30

It's the same in our house.
I don't work on a Fridays, so on the weekends the DSC are with us (EOW) I find myself spending my Friday running around cleaning, food shopping, prepping food so I'm not in the kitchen all weekend. For some reason I like the house clean for when they come..probably cos I'd hate for them to tell their mum the place is a shit tip!

DH would never dream of putting up a shelf up or doing the garden whilst DSC are here.

When we were moving house we had to go and order some furniture on a Sunday we had DSC, if we hadn't have ordered it that week it wouldn't have arrived when we needed it to.
Well oh my giddy aunt! You would have thought we'd tortured the poor things! "I'm bored" "I want to go home" "this is so unfair" "my mum never makes me go shopping" "I'm gonna ring my mum and make her pick me up" "you're so tight" sulk sulk stomp stomp.
We were the worlds worst parents for making them spend about 2 hours in the whole weekend in furniture shops!

I like the idea of letting them pick one fun thing per month.
They seem to just expect to be constantly entertained and of course it's always what DSC want to do and my DCs just have to go along with it.

Sethspeaks · 18/03/2015 13:39

It's about balance isn't it and working out a way that jobs get done and some fun stuff happens. I love to get everything done in the week so we can all have a relaxing time at weekends and do fun family things, but it just isn't always possible. It also isn't just down to me to graft to make more time at weekends for fun stuff, there's dp too.

sanityseeker75 · 18/03/2015 14:12

concretekitten I like the idea of letting them pick one fun thing per month.

This worked really well for us - budget was about £50 but included all of us but we also told them that if they chose an activity that cost nothing or chose to give it up month we would roll over if they wanted to do theme parks etc. They were allowed to carry it over but not bring it forward IYSWIM.

It made them work better because they talked about it together and were a bit more considerate as they were a bit worried what the other one would make them do on their turn.

concretekitten · 18/03/2015 14:24

Sanity - what do you do when you don't have DSC though? Do you still take DCs for days out or do you save things for when DSC come?
We have trouble with DSCs visits getting cancelled at the last minute and so we end up cancelling our fun plans and then my DCs miss out. But then we feel guilty if we do fun things without them.

Sethspeaks · 18/03/2015 17:13

We'd carry on with any plans regardless. And make plans regardless of which weekend it was. We were a family of 3 doing stuff or a family of 4 doing stuff, depending on whether dsd was with us or not. Life wasn't on hold or organised around contact weekends.

The way I looked at it was that dd had one lot of opportunities through us. Dsd had two lots of opportunities through us AND her mum. So it would have been unfair on dd to only do stuff if dsd was around.

needaholidaynow · 18/03/2015 19:42

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thepurplehen · 19/03/2015 06:52

I see it that my dsc are actually missing out on "real life". It wasn't that long ago that my 18 year old dsd used to ask on a Friday night what we were doing to entertain her this weekend.

She simply hadn't learnt the skills to be able to think for herself or find things to do herself because she was so used to having nice things organised for her.

sanityseeker75 · 19/03/2015 12:48

concretekitten It would depend tbh. We have our DSC EW practically but if it is in the calendar and depending on ages I doubt that the DC's would allow their RP to block conatct on that weekend because they would know they have plans.

If it was something they had chosen as it was their turn then I may well postpone that activity (or do something free like local parks lakes etc) if their was a genuine reason due to illness etc but if it was something that DS had chosen then I would probably just go ahead if it was contact changed at last minute. Also DSD at one point wanted to go out with her mates so we said well this is what we are doing as you know so up to you to either join us or make your our plans needless to say she decided to come.

The whole point is that they work together and everyone knows the plan and has the opportunity to contribute and join in. As it was a once a month they knew if they missed out then the date for the next day out was x so it was not a bribe more of a this is agreed join in or don't.

It did put stop to the annoying what we doing now..... but it was also them that had to google the places they wanted to go to see if the budget allowed it so it gave them a better understanding of how expensive these days out are and the bank of SM and Dad was not a bottomless pit there to entertain them.

concretekitten · 19/03/2015 13:10

Sanityseeker - it sounds like a great plan, I think we'll definitely give that a go. I have suggested to DH that we start planning things with them more because at the moment they get their mum giving them the option of whether they come or not so its a case of "you can stay here and do XY&Z (fun things with their step siblings) or go to your dad's" even though we have often planned things we don't tell them about it until they get here so their mum often wins as for all they know it could be a quiet weekend at dad's.
Letting them plan an activity would definitely help with that, just as long as they don't start not coming on the weeks that we've not got anything planned.
We'll try it this weekend and see how we get on with it x

sanityseeker75 · 19/03/2015 15:10

Yes we have had that as well when they were little, thing is though when we asked them about what they did we fond that often plans ere cancelled because mommy had to do x instead. I think in reality mom wanted to be the funhouse but didn't want to have to put the effort in (just wanted the kids to like her more IYSWIM.

This then changed to when the kids got home after activity weekend she would have got them a hamster or dog (I kid you not they have had and sold on at least 4 dogs) or anything else that that made her look good.

We refused to keep competing and stuck to our plan. DSD became less entitled in our house but mom has seriously made a rod for her own back now. DSD is a vile cowbag for her mom, no respect and just plain money grabbing and obstructive. Mom asked for us to discipline her on her behalf because she can not cope with her. DSD is in no way like this at ours and does not try to play us off because it does not work, I know though that she will go to her mom sayng well sanity and dad do this or would let me etc.

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