Has anyone else been hidden from partner's ex

[Charley50]

I have just split with my DP, so now ex-DP. He moved out nearly a year ago, we kept seeing each other and talking about him moving back in but I was sad and angry at him moving out and he recently ended it. We had been together 8 years and I have a DS who he used to call his stepson.

My question is about one of our major issues as it keeps going round in my head and now maybe I think I was unreasonable and should have been more supportive.

He has a DD, now aged 10. She lives a five hour drive away. In 8 years she has been allowed to see him here twice; (he usually went to theirs a few times a year and stayed for a few days). Both times DD visited I met her; the last time culminating in his ex denying him access and even telephone contact for a year, as she was so furious that she stayed at an unknown unarranged person's house. It was our house, but my ex had not mentioned me to her (been together about 4 years at that point) or that we were living together, so as far as his ex was concerned I was unknown. (Well he mentioned that he was seeing someone when we first got together and I was never mentioned again).

I have always felt incredibly hurt that he would never just say to his ex that I was his partner and an important part of his life and that he wanted me (and DS) to spend a little time with him and his DD. He said it was because she might deny access again but I always felt it was mainly because he was 1; non-confrontational to the point of being weak and 2; put exes feelings before mine every time.

Now I'm beating myself up about it and think I should have seen his POV more. It doesn't matter really as we are now over, but has anyone been through this experience (from either side) and what are your thoughts about it?

Not been through it, but can understand why you are feeling hurt at being omitted.

Four years into a relationship is a serious commitment, and he should have mentioned you. I can understand why ex was cross at her daughter staying at an unknown's person house ( although I think the non contact for a year was a bit steep, especially on the child).

I think he was being weak. He couldn't 'hide' you forever. He should have mentioned you, and included you more where his daughter and her mother was concerned.

He was an idiot, his ex had no right to stop contact but then if he won't admit to being in a relationship then you do not know what other lies he has told her or you.

I am sorry you invested 4 years in this man but I think that you have done nothing wrong other than be with someone who is clearly not good for you.

Thanks for your responses. It wasn't 4 years it was 8 years.

Sad face.

That is even worse. You deserve to be with someone who shouts about you being in their life not someone who wants to hide you away. Don't feel bad, its definitely him not you

I'm sad you wasted so much time with someone who, apparently didn't value you enough to include you in his DD life. Obviously he didn't ever intent to or he would have told his ex about your relationship from the start! I hope you meet someone more worthy of you in the future!

Thank you. It makes me sad too. He did tell his ex about me at the beginning but she took it badly (she had ended it with him a year before) and he just didn't mention me again. I just found the whole thing so weird I don't know anyone in RL who have been in this situation and wondered if it had happened to anyone else.

Hello, I posted on the thread titled if you had a crystal ball or something. I had similar but not the extreme of yours, I was made to hide in the car when we were in his home town when the ex and dsd live, and I had to hide in the toilet when she come to pick dsd up incase she saw me

Hi Lauren thanks for sharing; it's not a nice feeling is it? What was his reason? Did ex know about you?

Hi Lauren I just saw what you wrote on the other thread. Sorry for your situation. That sounds very difficult.

Oh no that wasn't on. Initial weeks and maybe months yes it's ok to be low key about new partners, but 8 years a secret is totally unacceptable. Please don't think it's you, it was him.

Thanks. It's driven me a bit mad over the years and a made a big wedge between us, probably one of the reasons we split up. He refused to understand why I found it hurtful and I found it hard to understand how you could spend a few days at his exes house and the topic of 'so are you seeing anyone' or 'are you still seeing that person' or 'my partner and I' never came up. Not saying he should have been rubbing her face in our relationship but a little acknowledgement would have been nice. Oh well it's finished now it's just gone round and round in my head for so long it's good to get it out.

I must just let it go now.

The problem is with this is that some men can be very week. They are told by the mother of their children that they may do this or they may do that but if they don't toe the line and behave and do EXACTLY as dictated to then the child/children will be withheld from them. My dh ex-wife did this to a ridiculous degree, used to drive me potty, had us both jumping through hoops until I cracked. Refused to facilitate what bit of nonsense she was spouting. Huge row with dh who said 'it's alright for you, you have your children' ..but sure enough they were withheld, however this time I persuaded him to go to court. the *EOW visits were written in stone and. the ex wife was specifically told that who father sees, visits spends time with on his time is none of her business and not to interfere...best days work we ever did !!

Hi patchwork I think that is the best thing to do definitely in a situation like that. It would have been good for my ex to do that but wasn't something he'd consider.