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Step-parenting

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Ex ramping it up as we expect DC2 - experience anyone?

44 replies

bingobingo · 17/03/2015 08:55

I am in the final bit of pregnancy with DC2. DH's ex seems to be ramping up hostilities in the run up to the birth in a way that is really not helpful. The two children are early/mid teens and their mum has never helped with travel though they live a good few hours away each way (i.e. refuses to take the kids to the local station to put them on a train, or encourage them to go themselves). DH has said he'll pay for train tickets for the kids to visit, but that he can't do his usual driving thing in the weeks of my due date, and she is reframing this as that he can't be bothered to see them and doesn't care about them because of the new baby. Also there's a few other things -- she's obviously been telling the kids of various grudges she has as the oldest one called to have a go at DH in quite an out of character way. She did this a bit with our first baby but you would think that years later, and with the kids so old, she wouldn't do it again.

The detail isn't important because if it wasn't this it would be something else, but has anyone else experienced an ex pulling her own kids back and making it hard for them to engage with birth of DC2?

Also, how old do you think DSC are before it's their responsibility to maintain the relationship with their NRP? My DSC are in thrall to their mother and she is very bitter and manipulative, but when will they be old enough to break away or take responsibility for how cold they are to their dad? I would have thought they would be babysitting etc. but their mother seems to completely control their relationship with our household. We are usually close and I have known them for 7 years. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 10:36

I think you should try to fix it or you could well get cast into a role of evil SM that will take years to shake off.

wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 10:38

they are still a child which is why they need parental consent to do both the things you cite sunny

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 10:41

anyway this is a moot point as OP said they have been on the train alone before. but yes it is an 'inbetween' age.

CallMeMaybe · 17/03/2015 10:53

the pair of them sound as bad as each other. Plus there is no guarantee you will go into labour this weekend so it's entirely possible that even if they do come down they still won't be there fore the birth of your dc.

But that aside, what do the dc want? Be careful of going down the route of saying that they have no say and are afraid to tell you what they want, because it's also entirely possible that they don't want to be as involved as you want them to be, e.g. you said you'd expect them to be babysitting etc. Perhaps they don't want to be caught in the middle of the senseless arguing between your dh and his ex (for which he is equally responsible IMO) and are taking the side they feel is the right one.

If my ex refused to come and collect my dc as some kind of point scoring exercise I can imagine they would say they didn't want to/couldn't catch the train on their own either...

bingobingo · 17/03/2015 11:33

The Dc have not said what they want -- I don't know. It's not completely a point scoring exercise. She moved a long way away from where the children used to live and has been given £150 extra to spend on sorting out travel at her end. However, my DH has now got so wound up by it that he is letting it affect the plans. I am going to tell him to stick to normal schedule unless emergency.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 11:43

Callme - if this went to court then the parent who moved away would in all likelihood find themselves under an order that they are required to do ALL the travelling in order to maintain contact and also fund this so i think the ex in this case ought to be thanking her lucky stars rather than deliberately goading the OP's DH.

Bingo - don't tell him anything - it won't end well. instead talk to him in terms of 'if this was us i would hope that we would be offering suggestions to resolve rather than beating heads - maybe we should suggest that ...'

bingobingo · 17/03/2015 11:45

Do you think I could just say that it would be easier for me re. birth/plans if normal contact was stuck to. As there will undoubtedly also be shenanigans after baby arrives too. At least if schedule is in mind to be stuck to then we know we have those visits planned in.

Nightmare!

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 11:52

i think it would be best to be honest - try and take the sting out of it by making it more about the baby than about his ex

bingobingo · 17/03/2015 11:56

Yes - I will say to him that I would find that the most relaxing plan.

Thank you whereisthelight I have let this really upset me. I am in the mood of excitement and wanting make things extra special and thinking of family and this all just seems so negative and also nothing I can control. DH's ex has a very cynical, mean outlook and the children have elements of that too as they are growing up. I want to be focussing on making sure my DC1 (toddler) is ok, the house is ready, and healthiness for labour.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 12:06

that is all you can do and all you can control bingo! Let them worry about the rest of it! Try and keep it all as normal as possible for everyone and ignore the crap.

will pm you

ticklemonster123 · 18/03/2015 13:06

From being about 14-15 I used to get the bus to my dad's on my own (about an hour journey) my mum would put me on the bus at one end and my dad would collect me at the other end.
But once I left school at 16 I used to do the full journey from door to door by myself which meant 3 buses and took about 3 hours of sitting on and waiting for buses.
My mum and dad barely had any contact with each other once I was about 10ish, I used to make all arrangements with my dad myself. I don't get why their mum needs to be making arrangements for 13 and 16 year olds, other than just to piss your DP off and control him.

I do agree it could be risky him doing such a long journey near your due date, my first labour was 23 hours, my second was 2 hours! I knew it would be quicker but not that quick!
If the DSC were little then fair enough, he couldn't use your impending baby as a reason to not do the journey but they're not little, one is nearly an adult!

You asked when do kids stop being influenced by their mum's- some never do.
My dad has pretty much lost contact with my half sisters because their mum would make it very difficult for my dad to see them and then slag him off for not seeing them, made out that he doesn't care about them. Now they just think he's a dick who doesn't love them and they don't want anything to do with him.
He's not perfect but he's tried so hard to have a relationship with them and loves them to bits, but it's like they've been brainwashed.

SunnyBaudelaire · 18/03/2015 13:08

ticklemonster no offence to your dad but they all say that, invariably

ticklemonster123 · 18/03/2015 13:18

Oh and I'll also just add that DH's ex was very difficult when we had DD (our only joint child), 3 years on she's better but her biggest issue (borders on an obsession) is his relationship with my DD from my previous relationship, she's very jealous that he loves a child who isn't his.

She even complained that DH had to leave DSC with his mum for a couple of hours whilst I went to hospital to get checked over when I lost some waters Hmm

RL20 · 18/03/2015 13:33

Wow bingobingo - I'm in such a similar position!
Although I'm pregnant with our first, not second, (his second, though).
Much like yours, it was also his ex that split with him, supposedly she didn't know she was pregnant at the time. Whereas I believe she did know, and got out of the relationship for that reason. Either that or she was already seeing someone else (who she is still with now, 6 years later). I believe with how she's always been awkward, she possibly didn't want the baby to be my partners and 90% of the time, her lashing out is because she's annoyed with herself Grin
My partner has never set a foot wrong since her pregnancy and she hates that, as she has nothing real to go against him, whereas it would be easier for her if he actually did slip up.
She wouldn't allow him to any of the scans, and he didn't even know the sex of the baby until she was a few days old. She also didn't put him on the birth certificate. I always feel the need to tell this story in full because a lot of the time it's about 'deadbeat dads' when in fact a lot of the time it's the women/mums who can be spiteful and use the children as a weapon!

In the latest argument she even turned around and said (in a text message) there's a reason you're not on the birth certificate! She was referring to the fact that he was asking for more access, and she knows that he can't get any more without a court battle, and even then it's not guaranteed. He only gets to have her every fortnight for 2 nights.

His daughter has been very off since we told her we were having a baby. She refers to the situation as 'you're having a baby aren't you' or 'you're having a boy aren't you' rather than 'I'm having a baby brother'.
When my partner was talking with her a few weeks ago and mentioned the word brother, she said 'no, half brother'. Which had obviously been drilled into her by her mum, as we've never even mentioned that phrase before, and weren't planning to!
I can imagine her mum is turning her against us and the baby before he's even her. She even said that for the past month, her daughter hasn't wanted to come and see us and she has had to 'force her to'.
She also tried to tell him that she only wanted me to do the pick ups and drop offs, and not him. (How very convenient right near my due date!). I made sure he quickly squared that one up with her that it would be impossible.
Its very hard what to believe when she is still young, whereas one advantage you have is that your stepchildren are older.

Like someone else said, there is little you can actually do other than let your partner know you're completely with him on this.
If his children are at that age and aren't keen on visiting anymore then let it be. Unfortunately for them, they have an unhelpful mother, but hopefully they might break free of this one day.

As I got older into my teens, me and my brother stopped going over to stay at my dad's house (no influence, just growing up and wanted to do other things at weekends). I have always stayed in touch and am relatively close with my dad, whereas my brother is not so much. I think that's just because they are so similar and tend to clash.

So really, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this sort of situation! Good luck with your new baby Thanks

PeruvianFoodLover · 18/03/2015 13:35

ticklemonster no offence to your dad but they all say that, invariably

Sorry, I don't understand?

Who is all, and what do they all say?

Do you mean that in all cases where dads don't see their DCs, they all blame their ex for brainwashing the DCs?

SunnyBaudelaire · 18/03/2015 13:36

in about nine cases out of ten, yes, IME.

RL20 · 18/03/2015 13:38

Sunny, amazingly not all dad's are careless dicks, and this is the point of my story.
Women would like to think that, but women are to blame as much as men in a lot of cases.
My dad also lost contact with my half sister, although I knew her when I was younger, she grew up with her mum and stepdad who believed that she didn't really need her real dad as she had a family at home.
I'm now reliving a similar situation through my partner and his ex

PeruvianFoodLover · 18/03/2015 13:39

Goodness, how sad. I can't imagine knowing that many families where there is no contact between the DCs and their Dad, despite the dad wanting contact.

SunnyBaudelaire · 18/03/2015 13:42

good for you then 'peruvianfoodlover', good for you.

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