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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex ramping it up as we expect DC2 - experience anyone?

44 replies

bingobingo · 17/03/2015 08:55

I am in the final bit of pregnancy with DC2. DH's ex seems to be ramping up hostilities in the run up to the birth in a way that is really not helpful. The two children are early/mid teens and their mum has never helped with travel though they live a good few hours away each way (i.e. refuses to take the kids to the local station to put them on a train, or encourage them to go themselves). DH has said he'll pay for train tickets for the kids to visit, but that he can't do his usual driving thing in the weeks of my due date, and she is reframing this as that he can't be bothered to see them and doesn't care about them because of the new baby. Also there's a few other things -- she's obviously been telling the kids of various grudges she has as the oldest one called to have a go at DH in quite an out of character way. She did this a bit with our first baby but you would think that years later, and with the kids so old, she wouldn't do it again.

The detail isn't important because if it wasn't this it would be something else, but has anyone else experienced an ex pulling her own kids back and making it hard for them to engage with birth of DC2?

Also, how old do you think DSC are before it's their responsibility to maintain the relationship with their NRP? My DSC are in thrall to their mother and she is very bitter and manipulative, but when will they be old enough to break away or take responsibility for how cold they are to their dad? I would have thought they would be babysitting etc. but their mother seems to completely control their relationship with our household. We are usually close and I have known them for 7 years. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 08:56

I ought to add she has no reason to have a grudge against either of us. I met DH years after her affair and their divorce, and also he is a good dad to their children.

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wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 09:21

firstly who moved away? her or your dp?

if her then she needs to suck it up and help with the travel, if it was him then sorry but he needs to go and fetch them. early teens is too young to be travelling significant distances on a train. your due weeks are not fixed in stone, as you know baby will appear when it is good and ready so I can totally understand why she feels this is an excuse.

my dsc's were on holiday on my induction date so didn't meet their sister til she was nearly 3 weeks old

PeruvianFoodLover · 17/03/2015 09:21

Also, how old do you think DSC are before it's their responsibility to maintain the relationship with their NRP? My DSC are in thrall to their mother and she is very bitter and manipulative, but when will they be old enough to break away or take responsibility for how cold they are to their dad?

Sadly, if you read some of the posts on the stately homes thread, it's clear that some adult DCs never fully break free from the control of an abusive parent. Whether or not they can be held accountable for the impact of that on others is a difficult call to make.

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 09:21

She moved away.

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Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 09:24

Also I have told my DH that he can drive and get them, it's not me. They have been arguing over travel anyway recently and I think this has become a flashpoint for it.

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Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 09:37

I don't know what to do. It just seems annoying that their mum won't help make things go smoothly for the next few visits.

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FinallyHere · 17/03/2015 09:43

How old are they? Old enough to be in a taxi to the station by themselves?

You could look for a tame taxi company, who would invoice you or let you pay for their trips by credit card in advance. Someone kindly, who would make sure they actually got i. And where not prevented. Just for a few weeks.

At the right age, they may even welcome the adventure.

Hope it goes well for you, xx

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 09:53

That is what I would do but my DH is adamant she should help put them on the train. He recently upped the monthly money to include funds for this - so is annoyed she is going back on it. If I were him I would just suck it up and drive. But I can't tell him what to do! He gets too wound up and anyway I am trying to relax.

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wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 09:54

unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do short of support your dp. if she is going to be awkward then she is going to fond more ways than this to cause issues.

your dp needs to talk to his girls and explain that they are not being replaced etc and he does want to see them etc.

could it be the phrasing he has used maybe? I know dp's ex would go astral if he said he couldn't collect the kids because of x y or z that might happen but would properly react better to more of a "plan is to collect as normal buy hoping to put a backup in place just in case" kind of approach

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 09:56

How far is the station from their house?
I agree that she should be putting them on the train but if she is not going to, and they cannot get there by themselves, then maybe what 'finally' said.
Do they really NEED 'putting on the train' I mean they are not that young are they?

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 09:58

Yeah - I think it probably is the phrasing he has used. I'm under no illusion he is perfectly in the right - he finds it hard to be the bigger person when his ex is winding him up. I'm just sad that birth of my DC2 is becoming negative in relation to them whereas they should be able to come and join in nicely.

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Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 09:59

You'd think not Sunny but their mum has told them they can't do it and they won't do anything they think will enrage their mum.

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Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 10:00

I mean, she leaves them overnight in the house alone etc. It's just a way of winding my DH up. She needs to be able to make him drive all the way to her door, for some reason (and then wait outside in the car).

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wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 10:04

it is a way on still controlling him and if he is rising to it but getting irate then the only thing he can do is not react to her. the only thing that would stop him driving is you actually being in labour so I am guessing the best way to handle it is to buy the train tickets if they aren't massively expensive and then say he will drive and get them but let the kids have the tickets so that if he can't get them they can still get to him - alternatively is there a friend or relative who could drive to fetch them

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 10:05

That's a good idea whereisthelight.

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Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 10:10

I'm just finding it a bit depressing.

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AGirlCalledBoB · 17/03/2015 10:11

How old are your stepchildren?

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 10:12

13 and 16.

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wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 10:19

as long as the train journey doesn't contain any train changes then getting the train should be fine - trainline and redspottedhankey both do etickets so he could just email them to his eldest dd on the day if needed and arrange a taxi that he could prepay if needed.

I think if he is flatly refusing to go and demanding that she outs them on a train then he is becoming as petulant as her and it will become more about who gets their own way than what is best for the girls to be honest.

we had similar over christmas nd it very much became more about which one was going to win that what was fair and reasonable.

how imminently are you due to give birth? is there time to leave it a few weeks and let the dust settle?

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 10:21

oh fgs a 13 and 16 year old that have to be 'put onto the train' and could not manage any changes. I would be ashamed of myself for being such a parent.

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 10:21

I think I will have another go at telling him to drive and get them. That way yes it might be cutting it fine re. nearness to labour but at least then the visit is done and everyone is happy and we can relax for a few weeks.

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momb · 17/03/2015 10:25

13 and 16?
They can get themselves to the railway station surely? Presumably they go on the bus out with friends etc?

wheresthelight · 17/03/2015 10:27

sunny we have no information ad to whether they have ever had to get a train before and as an adult I find changing trains stressful and do it regularly. at 16 the eldest dd is still a child and is expected to be responsible for a much younger child in a situation she possibly has no experience of. If you think that is acceptable then I would be ashamed of your parenting

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 10:30

sigh,
A 16 year old is NOT a child that is why they can get married or join the army.
I appreciate that we all have different experiences though.

Original poster
bingobingo · 17/03/2015 10:33

Oh they've got trains on their own before.
I guess the real question is:

My DH is looking like he's going to miss a weekend with his older kids around the time our new baby is expected - not due to me or practicalities really but because he and his ex have wound each other up. Should I worry about this and try to encourage him to fix it or just think it's none of my business/problem and get on with my own stuff?

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