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Step-parenting

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Original poster

If you'd had a crystal ball?

48 replies

Wdigin2this · 14/03/2015 15:13

As a SM, if you could have looked down the years, and seen your life as it is now, would you have still taken that road?

OP posts:
Scotchmincepie · 16/03/2015 08:55

I really don't know, probably not. I wouldn't choose a man with kids again, rather be on my own. And I see friends' children going out with guys with kids and am mentally screaming, 'run, run' at them. And I've had a fairly easy time as a step mum! Everyone has baggage though.

Comingoutofhibernation · 16/03/2015 09:03

Yes, I would definitely. There were a few rocky years when DH and I first got together, and there were a lot of issues between him and his ex, but once DSS got to about 13, things settled down, and have been amicable all round ever since. I do think it has been relatively easy for me as DSC don't live with us. I think had that been the case things would have been a lot harder, although I'd like to think it would have still worked out OK.

hoobygalooby · 16/03/2015 10:58

I would.

But I wouldn't have moved in with DP so soon and I would have kept the dsc more at arms length to begin with and not rushed to blend us all together. We rushed in too fast and had to do a LOT of work to get things on track.
We got there though and I adore DP and his kids (most of the time anyway!)

AlpacaMyBags · 16/03/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 16/03/2015 11:22

Well, as I'm the OP....with the aid of my crystal ball, would I have walked the same road? Yes, very probably because I was so beguiled by DH. BUT, even though his DC were grown and didn't live with him, I would not have rushed to set up home with him. I would not have made the efforts I did to blend all of our children, (mine are older). I would definitely not have become so involved with his DC. I would have encouraged him to have his time with his family alone...and me with mine!! Ah well, that's what I would like to think I'd do, it certainly would have been better for my life!

OP posts:
FireflyLight · 16/03/2015 11:50

I think I would. After all, I'm in the position I am in currently because I fell in love with DH. I do wish I'd realised the full extent of what being in a blended family would be like - that I wasn't prepared for. Sometimes it can be mentally and emotionally draining without it being directly one person's fault.

If we split then I don't know if I would want to be involved with someone with children. It would depend on the circumstances and if I could be able to deal with possible mirror issues happening all over again. If I did - at least I'd have some experience of what it's like so could be a little more prepared. But every situation is different - if only sometimes slightly.

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 16/03/2015 11:58

If my marriage failed...hoping it won't, but if it did, it would probably be connected with DH's Disney attitude to his DC, we have no other real problems! I know for sure I wouldn't go near a man with DC little or grown...ever again! In fact, I don't think I'd bother with any man, I'd become an eccentric old lady with lots of cats!!! Wink

OP posts:
freshstart4us · 16/03/2015 12:29

Wdigin2this I concur. My own very small DC would now prevent me from becoming a cat lady for some years to come yet, but should we split the idea of ever getting into another relationship just gives me shudders! DH and his son have put me off the idea of living with men forever - hopefully my DS will restore some faith in the species in due course! Wink

hoobygalooby · 16/03/2015 12:32

I can honestly say that if DP and I split up I wouldn’t ever get involved with someone with kids again. I would be more selfish and focus on my own kids and just have a boyfriend who would fit in around us all!!!

Having said that, I had a DSD with a previous partner who I am still close to. She really was the perfect DSD though and her Mum is lovely, which definitely helped, so even though I regret the –-disaster-- relationship with her Dad I will never regret having her in my life and she is proof that it can be done as long as all the adults behave themselves!!

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 16/03/2015 12:44

Ahhh...adults all behaving Hooby, if only my DH would consider his DC as the responsible, stand on their own feet adults they should be....life might be perfect!!

OP posts:
FeelTheNoise · 16/03/2015 13:34

No, sadly I'd run a mile

Lauren83 · 16/03/2015 22:28

I wish I hadn't got with my partner, I love him but I didn't realise how hard being an infertile stepmum would be and how tough things would get over multiple failed ivfs, had I not had these issues maybe it would of been a little easier, but my DP was terrible at managing bringing the two parts of his life together and I often dream daily of walking away.

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 17/03/2015 00:06

Lauren, I really feel for you, and I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you!

OP posts:
Lauren83 · 17/03/2015 11:50

Thankyou :) i'm on my 4th cycle with donor eggs as we speak! It's not bitterness/jealousy why I find it hard it was just so badly managed. I wasn't allowed to see dsd for the first 18 months when we got together due to the ex, when I went with him to visit his mum in the town his ex lives in he made me duck down in the car incase she saw us, when she came to pick dsd up too (access was at his mums) he made me hide in the upstairs loo incase she saw me through the window. He also was too scared to change dates with the ex so wanted to bring dsd to our embryo transfer! And when the ex got a new man and suddenly dsd was allowed to our house I was recovering from another failed cyce and he wanted her to get in our bed as she couldn't sleep, I had only met her about 10 times at this point. Loads of things like this happened, when I was diagnosed with prem menopause ten minutes after walking out of clinic appt he was showing me videos of dsd on his phone and saying doesn't she look like him etc (when I'm just coming to terms with the fact I would never have a bio child)I so wish I hadn't got with him honestly it's nearly killed me

hoobygalooby · 17/03/2015 12:35

Lauren. He is an insensitive arse!
You poor thing Shock

freshstart4us · 17/03/2015 13:37

Lauren, this is the kind of behaviour that makes me wonder how such men have found one woman to breed with, let alone two! You poor thing. My H has said some horrendously insensitive things but that pales in comparison to what you have had to deal with. Flowers

Lauren83 · 17/03/2015 13:56

Thankyou both! I know you are probably thinking why on earth was I having ivf with him, I knew I would need ivf due to tubal issues but then I found out I was heading for premature menopause too so it was just now or never if you know what I mean? Things are much much better now though, when she first visited I decorated a room for her and bought her clothes and and all her toileteries and surprised him with the room (it was the spare room that was my dressing room) he just said her mum packs her an overnight bag she doesn't need all that. I was Angry he also pays way over the odds as she keeps mithering the csa saying he has a new job (he did but she lies to them and says he doesn't have her overnight when he does once or twice a week) he won't tell them that for fear of upsetting the ex

IceniMist · 19/03/2015 20:21

Hell no, and my stepkids are easy. But I couldn't be without my daughter.

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 20/03/2015 09:49

Lauren....you have real problems there!

OP posts:
Sonny1 · 24/03/2015 20:57

I would not have moved in together. I would have maintained my own home so that I had somewhere of my own. Aside from stopping the nastiness from the ex wife, privacy is one if my biggest wants. Just to be able to dash to the bathroom without having to put clothes on is now my idea of bliss!!!
I wish we had kept our finances separate. I resent it when I can't afford something I really would like to have or do because I am a Step mum. If we had kept our finances separate I know I would be able to do/have it.
Even though I tried to insist he does things on his own with each of his 3 kids, it only really happens every few months.
We ended up with all 3 full time as their mum stopped taking care of them properly and we had to step in. I did not bargain on that happening when I first got involved with him. My life is secondary. I've ended up with no hobbies, no privacy, no time for myself. All this with no iota of recognition that I have given up everything I loved about my life for the interests of my step kids. It's a hard pill to swallow.
It's not that I want praise and thanks for my efforts but a little acknowledgement from them that they know it's not my "job" or that they see it would mean the world to me but it has never happened and I find it sole destroying.
It's not the kids' fault that their parents' marriage did not work out, it's not their fault that I am in their life, it's not my fault I did not know what it would really be like. I do what is right, to make the kids feel loved and secure but it makes me miserable and it makes me resent their dad and their mum.
I would not have become involved had I have known then what I know now.

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 24/03/2015 23:39

Sonny, I really feel for you, I can't imagine how I would have ever coped with 3 DSC living in my home, (all our kids were grown when we got together). I noticed on another thread you mentioned the DSC's mum now has twins, how does that fit with her not caring for the first 3? You should really insist your DP takes all of his family out for at least one day during some of the weekends, to give you a break, you're right you didn't sign up to be full time mum to 3 children who are not yours, and he should recognise this and man up!

OP posts:
Sonny1 · 25/03/2015 06:43

I really feel for the twins. She wasn't coping particularly well with the 3 but was just about getting by and then fell pregnant very quickly. The dad of the twins is out of the picture but there is very little we can do. SS are involved but as the twins are nothing to do with my OH and I we don't hear anything except for what the youngest DSD blurts out every now and again. We at least know that she has a support worker. I really hope for the sake of the twins that she pulls herself together soon and for the DSCs so that they get to spend more time with her. It's sad because at 10,13 & 18, they know the situation. We always try to speak positively about their mum or at least avoid commenting on anything which we can't put a positive slant on.
I know it's selfish, but I really really want her to get back to "normal operations" not just for the DSCs but also so that I can have a little bit if my life back

Original poster
Wdigin2this · 25/03/2015 23:00

It's not selfish in the least, and I don't blame you...you're entitled to a life too!

OP posts:
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