New baby

8 replies

oliveobsessed · 09/03/2015 19:34

Hi i am after some advice/experiences my PFB is due in a couple of weeks and DSS (early primary age) lives with me and DP 90% of the time. His mum has a couple of kids who live with her and her new partner however see's little of DSS.
I have just realised that i am not going to get the luxery that most new mums get of being on their own with new baby and DP to bond, but am going to get thrown in at the deepend having to juggle an older child who will want attention and a new born baby. Currently feeling some hatred towards DP's ex as she got a weeks peace with her new born baby to bond and enjoy.
Has anyone else been through this before and what can i expect?
And to give full story lack of contact is her choice has been since was pre school age, she doesnt want him for any extra time we have asked.

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wheresthelight · 09/03/2015 19:37

yes hun and your feelings are perfectly normal!! I felt very on edge but to be honest that many people wanted to come and say hi and brought pressies for baby and my 2 dsc's that it wasn't as bad as I though!

make sure baby gets him some nice dvds that he wants so he can watch them while you do stuff with baby and involve him! it will be better than you think honest'

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 19:47

I understand why you feel a bit sad, but you knew the situation you were in. It seems like you can't really change it unless there are grandparents who might have DSS for a few days, so (and I honestly do mean this with kindness) you need to get over it and enjoy your family.

If your DH is taking paternity leave can he not do most of the caring for DSS so you have time with baby?

Original poster

oliveobsessed · 09/03/2015 20:24

Yes he will likely be off for a week if not two. I knew the situation but didnt expect these feelings have always tried to (99% with success) to think of DSS as close to ours as possible so that he didnt feel pushed out. However the closer i get to the baby arriving the more distant from him i feel!

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rach2713 · 10/03/2015 00:10

Don't mean this to be rude but what will happen when and if you have another baby in the future will you feel the same about that child as well or just the one that is your partners. It's a big a just ment having a new baby I have 2 kids my son stayed at his nans the night I brought my daughter home came round in the morning then came home after school as he is as much part of the bonding as me and my oh

notgivenupyet · 10/03/2015 00:20

If you get this right your step child and your new baby could have the most amazing bond, one which will see them support each other through life, long after you, their parents are gone. Watching my son bond with his new sister melted my heart so much. Watching the love in her eyes for him and hearing the giggle only he could make her do. Watching him mature as the protective big brother bought new admiration for him. She doesn't see him as half brother or care who his parents are, to her he is special and since her arrival we have all got closer as a family because we have this common bond in her.

FlossyMoo · 10/03/2015 08:34

I had 2 DSS when I had my PFB and I can understand how you feel OP.
For me bonding as a family was important because thats what you are. DSS should be involved just as you would want your first child to bond with your second.

Please don't send DSS away as it could cause major problems with jealousy/exclusion and it is like you are punishing him for not being your bio child.
Being a SM does mean you sometimes have to try that bit a lot harder and work past your feelings to ensure you do the best for the children involved.

Congratulations too on the new baby

TooSpotty · 10/03/2015 19:11

I felt very much like you when I was in late pregnancy with my first, olive. I think hormones go very crazy around then, and we pick things in our brain to worry about. I had two full time stepchildren, older than yours, and felt very resentful to all the people who talked about having 'babymoons' with just them and their baby. And actually, after the baby arrived, my day three meltdown was about how awful it would be if my baby ever had a stepmother who couldn't feel that she was her own child.

But the reality was OK. The kids loved the baby enormously and were very proud of their sibling. I benefitted from having a partner who wasn't new to tiny babies meaning that we had a far more relaxed time of our first few weeks/months than the babymooners. And I did have the school day to spend just getting to know the baby. I'm not saying there weren't tricky moments, but I'm now expecting my third, and my only worries about the postnatal period this time are that DSS is now fully hormonal and teenage, and having him lurking around in a permastrop while I'm trying to watch Homes Under the Hammer cluster feeding isn't a thrilling thought. Luckily he can be packed off to his grandparents for half term without taking it personally - he prefers the unlimited computer access he gets there.

There's no talk of half-siblings in our house though, and I don't think it's a thought the older ones ever had, and the younger ones don't really understand that they have a different mother. I hope that despite all my antenatal worries we've managed to build a family together. And I'm sure you will too.

Original poster

oliveobsessed · 11/03/2015 20:42

Thank you for the replys. Think it is mainly hormones driving me crackers

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