Thoughts please

[meatand2veg]

Hello folks,
I have 2 dss who live with me fulltime for the past 7 years... I will cut a long story short and get to the point ...
I knew my husband (their Dad) had a another child as a result of an affair with his previous wife - the boy is now 17 and despite my husbands best efforts to contact him over all the years, it never worked out - the last attempt being 3 months ago when my husband contacted the boy's Mum and asked if he wanted to be in touch again - Mum had said she would need to ask him and never got back to my husband ... we both decided that enough was enough, we had tried several times to get in touch with the boy and this was the last attempt- we had tried and felt it better to leave things alone now as it was very stressful when my husband kept getting rejected ... and no answers. .... last week my dss (aged 16) left his FB on by mistake and I snooped on his messages... (I know its bad, but we have had instances of him being in trouble with social media before and I wanted to check ). He had gone looking and found my husband's son and had written several messages... saying and I quote " my parents have been really immature about the whole situation, your my brother and I want to get to know you.. also, that his "Dad is irrelevant "... he then went on to send him photos of "your sister" - my 6 year old little girl ... (Dad is father).... and has since posted the boys profile photo on his FB page (but kept the post hidden from me ) ....
Obviously, he does not know that Iknow any of this ... he has not mentioned anything to me ... I fell very confused about everything... I have not told my little one (6 year old ) anything about having another brother and I am not ready to introduce another person in her life . What do I do now ?

You need to start being honest. No matter what your excuse you had no right to snoop! Look where it has got you.

I think you all need to sit down as a family and discuss it. Your DSS may not know all the details of attempts made and he may not understand everything isn't it about time he did?.
He has a right to be in contact with his brother and it is a shame he felt he needed to keep it quite. I doubt he thought he was doing any harm by showing his brother a picture of their half sister because at the end of the day that is who she is.

Start being honest as a family and it may just be the way that the father reconnects with his son. You need to respect peoples privacy too OP and if your DSS wants to remain in contact regardless of his dad then that needs to be ok.

While snooping is never a good idea, it's clear that your DSS is not behaving in a safe way online, and as he is only 16, you and your DH, as his parents are still responsible for keeping him safe. Rather then feel you had to snoop, it's better to have "house rules" which include adults being abe to check online activity periodically.

However you discovered it, your DSS online behaviour has to be addressed. Firstly, how can he be sure that the person he is messaging is who he believes it is? And even if they are related, sending personal messages, and photos of your young DD to an unknown person online is never a good idea!

Your DHs estranged son is still very young, and unlikely to be equipped to deal with the emotions he is experiencing right now without some support. Your DH has been quite right in contacting the child's mother regarding any contact so that she can help her DS and is kept informed of what contact is taking place - your DSS has interfered in that and possible caused a great deal of distress.

I take it from your post that your DSS has not received replies to his messages? Sadly, I think his clumsy attempts to make contact may well make it harder for your DH to reconnect with his estranged son.
I think your DH needs to, at the very least, contact his ex and tell her that your DSS has sent messages.