Do you ever feel like you don't exist in their eyes?

[Bluejumperandbluejeans]

I have 3 adult sc and 6 step gc. I've been with dh for 12 years and married for 9 years. We were both widowed and I had no DC's and he had 3, so in many ways I'm very lucky to be part of this ready made family.
Although I get on well with my dsc and dgc I often feel like I don't exist in their eyes - they subtley exclude me in lots of little ways like talking over me, not listening to me, contradicting things I say, like ,if I said something is the colour blue DSD will say it's purple, as if she's cancelling me out and they're are not interested in me, my life and interests.

They don't call me anything eg step mum or step granny I'm always called by my name or referred to as dads wife. The grandkids have been told about the "real granny" so they're a bit unsure of what to call me out of loyalty to their mum. They'll refer to our house which we moved into 2 years ago and jointly furnished and decorated as dads/ grandads house, grandads garden etc

I wonder if in my efforts to be considerate and sensitive to the loss of their mum (20 years ago) and not come across as heavy handed I've given them the impression of being detached, I am a naturally shy and quiet calm person.

I don't know how to address this with them or how to make things better. I often feel like saying to them that I am not the reason their mum died,it isn't my fault that she died. Although I am not their mum and don't want to take her place and I am entitled to being treated as a real person with the right to be a step mum and step mum.

Does anyone else have this happening to them

That sounds very familiar. My DP has a step Mum and he refers to their home as "Dad's house" and step mum as Dad's wife. Since I've been a step mum in his life, he does try and see her point of view and be more considerate but uses excuses such as he didn't grow up with her to justify his slightly cool behaviour towards her.

I see the theme continuing with his kids towards me. I live full time with one of his kids and do all laundry and all cooking but it is him that is asked if a friend can come for tea, or if she can drive my car. When it was DSD prom, not one person offered to take a photo of her with me despite me helping her with dress etc. I sometimes feel like the unpaid housekeeper.

Eldest DSD is worse. Literally no eye contact, interupptions, constant reminiscing about things that were before I met DP when she was 12 years old or anything they have done without me. Anything to exclude me, she's very difficult to engage with especially when she disagrees with everything I say and I actually am just trying to make light conversation.

Like you, I am naturally quiet and shy and not very forceful with my opinions but I think DP should have taught his kids more respect, it's not up to me to try and force myself on them as I don't suppose it would work anyway.

I too don't want to be their Mum (their's is alive and kicking) but I would like acknowledgement for being a real life role model and carer and without me, their Dad wouldn't be as good a parent as he is.

I think this can be one of the "joys" of step parenting. No-one really understand the role of a step parent.

Thanks Purple I'm glad there's other people in this situation, not that I'd wish it on anyone else :)
I feel like Ill go through my life being "not their mum" rather than being me in their eyes. They aren't rude or impolite it's just that I'm not their mum.
They say that dad is happy and has become mellower with me and I'm the one that intervenes on their behalf with their dad, but whatever I do I feel I'll never be accepted for just me.
It's funny but I get on with all DSd 1's friends really well - better than I do her
I know what you mean about the constant reminiscing about things with their mum, I understand about their need to have a shared history but sometimes I wonder if they have good memories that include me in them. Also the photos too - until we moved I realised that we had all photos with her in them and I quietly moved them to a less prominent place once we were in our new house

Oh the joys of step parenting :)

I get on with my sd 16. She refers to our home though as Dad's house too. When she wanted to have a party here, she asked just her dad, not me. He told her to ask me which she did, but yes it's so upsetting.

At the end of the day, she just doesn't need me. I do not have that maternal bond with her. I do believe it's as simple as that. But that does not mean I will put up with disrespectful behaviour. I don't know if you can make it better- I think the best you can do when they're adults is to just try and aim for a relationship you would have with a friend, and not expect any more- that way you can't be disappointed.

I have stepchildren but if I can offer you a different perspective my mum died when I was 22, my parents had been divorced long before then but my dad has had a new partner since her death. I do try to include her and would never knowingly leave her out or be rude to her but I have noticed that I feel almost guilty about the relationship with her and as though I am not being loyal to my mum. just something else to consider about why they may seem to close off hope I haven't offended.

I don't know if the losing a parent rather than parents being divorced, so the other one is still around, makes a difference or not.

I too feel this that I'm not really part of their lives that makes any difference to them (though perhaps with teenagers that isn't so uncommon regardless of step parenting). I've been around for 10 years, husband has good relationship with his ex, she's part of bigger family gatherings, comes to our house for Christmas and if we have e.g. a BBQ or takeaway for one of the kids' birthdays she'll quite often come too. The eldest mostly lived with us and the other two with her (not set in stone but we live close by and it kind of works).

But I don't think they see me as a separate person from being their Dad's wife - I'm just a bit of dull wallpaper who occasionally cooks for them.

I sympathise, my step - children are much younger than yours (11 and 16) and I sometimes feel I might as well not exist. I get on great with them but it's small things like thanking DP for presents and telling everyone that dad bought them x, y, z when it's usually me that's done the research, shopping and paid at least half for it.

They also say dad's house which I find ironic as it is in fact my house and DP isn't on the deeds or mortgage which they know.

I usually just smile through gritted teeth and ignore it but last time they were here I didn't even get a goodbye when DP took them back to their mums, that really upset me.

Thanks for all your replies. Its good to know I'm not the only one. The things we do for love, aye?
Yes, you're right, I can see that my dsd's would feel a loyalty to their mum, supermario
I get annoyed and upset when I see my dsd1 being so pally with her mil and almost bending over backwards to be nice to her and yet she can be so offhand to me sometimes. I tell myself that mil doesnt present so much of a threat to her loyalty to her like I do.
I get on with all of first wife's family and often meet up for family get togethers with them the only fly in the ointment seems to be my step children and g'kids

If I wasn't strong I'd start to feel like there's something wrong with me and my self esteem would be lowered

Needaholiday that is SO rude I am on your behalf. I'd find it very difficult not to reply "She has a mother for that" when grandma asks you to something anything for sd!!

Needaholiday that's so awful. It's her loss in the end.lets hope she didn't realise what she'd said to you.

I do feel similar and my dsc's are still kids. I don't think it's deliberately done just that they don't have the same connection with me that they have woth their mum and dad. as long as they are polite and respectful I do try not to sweat the rest of it but it's not easy! woth kids who no longer have mum around it must be significantly harder.

were your dh and his wife divorced when she died? if not they may just feel angry with him for moving on but displacing that onto you.

for what it's worth not everyone discourages kids relationships with step grandparents. my dp has actively encouraged his kids to have a relationship with my parents and we have never put pressure on them to refer to them as anything other than their names. when dd was born dsd asked of she could call my mum Granny name so that dd would know that we were all a family. I said I thought it was lovely but she needed to speak to my mum and my mum cried and said yes. they also refer to my gran as great Granny and my sister and her hubby as aunty and uncle - all off their own backs.

I hope it gets better for you!! What does your dh think about it cos ot really ought to be him pulling his kids up on it

where I think it's easier when it's your own flesh and blood too, 'cause I am more myself, more natural with my nephews and their children. Although my build and body shapes is similar to my dsd's I am dark haired and eyes while they are blond and blue eyes and I think at an instinctive level we relate to people similar to ourselves - this is all guesswork and not based on facts :) but I do wonder if this play a part in it all

My dh and his first wife were together til she died and maybe they resent me I'm alive and their mum isn't and I'm reaping the benefits of grandchildren etc that she can't.

When I've talked to dh about it he has then (I think) spoken to his dd and she has made an effort to pay me more attention but then I feel embarrassed as she's doing it 'cause her dad told her to.

One or other of my DC have, a few times, bought me a present which is an 'experience' and there are always two tickets booked and paid for, so DH and I can enjoy it together. Usually if DD has paid for the "experience' DS will pay for a slap-up meal for the both of us after! Last Christmas DSS gave DH an 'experience' as a present, DSD said she would give her brother half of the money so it was from her too! Neither DSS or DSD are short of money (DH ensures that) but, not only did DSD never give the money, meaning she gave her dad no present at all, but there was only one ticket, so DH went to the experience with his DC who watched. and he paid (yet again) for dinner later on! I declined to go, which probably suited DSC's very well!!

Needaholiday in a previous relationship and I was a teacher and my then step daughter would turn up at our house on the few occasions that I was on strike and I'd ask her why she'd come and it was cause her mum had sent her ie her didn't want the bother of having her so assumed I'd be at home and sent her round. It was the same whenever she turned up with worn grey clothes and I'd buy her more as I couldn't see her in scruffy underwear etc. but the mum took all the glory and I was the bad step-mum.
Wdigin how awful. It's at best thoughtless at at worst downright nasty.

Needa there's more on this ex ex wife - when my first husband died of cancer the ex came round a few days later with her dd (my DSd) and wanted to root through his possessions for things to take!! Fortunately I was able to tell her most things been distributed according to DHs wishes before he'd died.

God the cheek of your DPs ex! It's my belief that in life there's givers and takers, and the takers will (hunt out) find the givers.

I have a great relationship with my DSSs, who are nearly 20 and 17.5, and whom I have known for 12 years. DP and I have a DD, who is 10, and the three DCs are very close and have always got on really well (in a normal sibling way).

The DSSs quite often talk about "chez Papa" and "chez Maman" when referring to their parents' homes. It doesn't bother me. I am called by my first name and would never countenance anything else. I don't think it is inconsiderate of my DSSs to think that way: stepparents are not parents.

What do you do for your stepchildren, OP?

Needa I was too stressed by him dying to think up a response quickly but I think she got the message.

Bonsoir good that you get on so well with your DSDs. I'm not sure what you mean, I try to be a good and loyal friend to my stepchildren, to me that's the best we can be.

I feel the same. My SS are 19 & 21 now. I did so much for them, revision, homework help, presents, helping with dads birthdays etc, helping with mums birthdays etc, holidays, cooking favourite meals, looking for jobs, using my car, but do they give two hoots about me? I don't think so. I got into an argument with the oldest about not helping out around the house and he moved out to his mums that day. The youngest only thinks about me because his dad makes him.

I feel short changed and wonder why I bothered.