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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSC refusing to come if my DD is here

24 replies

AlmondAmy · 04/03/2015 12:10

DSC are 7 and 8 and my DD is 7. We have been together since they were all babies so they've grown up together, and we now have two children together, too. The DSC do not get along with each other and are mostly kept separate at their mum's (with one sent to GPs house.) My DD loves them both and would happily play as a threesome or with either one individually. I'm not being blind to my own childs faults when I say she's actually excellent at sharing. The DSC don't have much here because they always insist on taking it home and DD shares all her belongings and doesn't go near DP so they get time with him.

The DSC don't like sharing, which is why they insist on taking things home. During the court process they said to CAFCASS that they don't like coming because of DD. That she won't share, that she doesn't play nicely, that she hogs DP, that he gives her preferential treatment and shouts at them - all completely untrue.

Now DSS is refusing to come if DD is here despite the fact they played together constantly last time, had a sleepover and said they were best friends etc. He told DP in front of his mum that he hates DD because she is so nasty and would rather not see his dad than be forced to see her. DSD and DD get on fantastically well but DSD still has said on the phone this morning that she doesn't want to see DD and asked DP to send her away at the weekend.

When the kids are actually together, it's usually fine and nothing more than the odd standard sibling falling out. But it's getting more and more difficult to get the DSC here because they're refusing to come if DD is here. Increasingly they're being mean to DD either together or separately and its clear that exW is angling for DP to see them alone.

I don't mind DP seeing them alone (though I think it'd be a shame as we usually all get along fine) but he works away Monday-friday so if he saw them alone then DD and our children together actually wouldn't see him for entire weeks at a time. The youngest is breastfed and the toddler has additional needs so sending them with him isn't an option.

I've offered that I take the other dc out but the DSC are refusing to come if DD is here at all. Yet if DP were to take them to his dads (which we've tried) then they spend the time whinging that they miss DD and want to play with her!

Has anyone been in a similar situation? DD has no idea of the things they say about her and doesn't understand about all the changing moods. DP has stood up for DD and told the DSC in front of their mum that they aren't telling the truth. ExW said he's despicable for favouring DD and that she'll fully support them in not seeing him if DD is here.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 04/03/2015 12:26

Wow, that must be hard to take! Obviously this is completely down to the ex, and she is using her children to manipulate your DP...which is despicable!! Not sure what you can do other than to ignore such remarks and carry on as usual, as long as your DP is on side with you, it must be really hard for him too! I think I would be tempted to go and see the ex privately (alone) tell her you're on to her game, and if she doesn't stop this spiteful behaviour, a) her kids will lose out on seeing their dad and b) she won't get ant down/free time without the children! Probably be rough on his kids, but there doesn't seem much else you can do!

Lucked · 04/03/2015 12:35

I don't agree with wdigin on this I would say do not approach the ex. I would just tell the boys tough it's your weekend at your dad's house and just not put up with the nonsense. If they misbehave they get punished etc. he just has to tell his ex that it is your dds house and he is in charge of the parenting for the weekends they are at yours.

They are too young to be dictating this and it all sounds like rubbish anyway.

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 04/03/2015 12:38

She sends the kids to relatives if they aren't here so she isn't fussed if they choose not to come here. She thinks DP is being stubborn by refusing to see them alone and that he deserves to lose them. I am guessing she thinks her/DSC badmouthing DD will cause a rift between DP and I but it hasn't and won't, it's just affecting the kids instead which isn't fair.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 04/03/2015 12:40

But we can't even get them here lucked because they refuse to come if she's here.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 04/03/2015 12:40

I think I'd just carry on as you are and if she won't send the children then you will have to take it up with the courts , it's your DDs home what exactly are you supposed to do with her ?

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 04/03/2015 12:49

We've been to court and DSC were coached to say the same things to CAFCASS who recommended DP kept the children separate.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 04/03/2015 12:55

I can't see what the options are then apart from seeing them for a couple of hours at your partners parents , if he could secretly film them whinging about not getting to play with your daughter I'd do that and then go back to CAFCASS or whoever with the evidence .

tribpot · 04/03/2015 12:55

He needs to take them to his dad's house. So what if they do complain? A couple of doses of that might encourage them to stop saying they won't come if your DD is at home.

Frankly your priority needs to be protecting your DD from this toxic situation. Which probably means reducing contact between her and the DSC so they don't tell her what they're saying about her - that would be incredibly hurtful.

StockingFullOfCoal · 04/03/2015 12:56

[Hmm] This is, quite frankly, bloody ridiculous. Its your DDs home. She absolutely should NOT have to leave. Siblings squabble all the time (I'm the eldest of 5 girls and we still squabble now even as adults ) and what you're describing is nothing more than that. Cafcass are being ridiculous.

I don't have any answers or suggestions though.

StockingFullOfCoal · 04/03/2015 12:57

^What Floral and Trip said.

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 13:05

Children used as a weapon.

If I was dh I would tell the children that if they don't want to come he won't force them.

I would offer a two hour visit on a Saturday and go to aunts/gps house.

Not anything remotely exciting.

I'm sure they will soon change their mind!

seaoflove · 04/03/2015 13:05

I'm amazed that the two siblings live apart when they're with their mum because they don't get on - they're 7 and 8!

Maybe this is part of it: they're used to one or the other being "sent away" to avoid rows, so they think it's OK to demand your DD is sent away as well.

Well, sod that. They need to learn how to compromise and get along, because life isn't as simple as sending someone away when you don't like them.

StockingFullOfCoal · 04/03/2015 13:13

Well, sod that. They need to learn how to compromise and get along, because life isn't as simple as sending someone away when you don't like them.

^exactly. Hardly great parenting from Mum, not teaching conflict resolution.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 04/03/2015 13:14

Clearly very bad parenting by the exW. As Sea says these 2 children and 7 and 8 and yet they appear to be dictating to their mother, their father, to you and to your DD.

I think this is very sad as most children of that age aren't particularly bothered about which house they are in or who is there. As long as they have toys to play with, tv to watch, food to eat etc, most children would be absolutely fine - expecially as you have 2 little ones between you.

I wouldn't contact exW at all - you will gain nothing here. My advice would be to ignore their demands and carry on as normal - and as others have said, protect your own DD.

youarekiddingme · 04/03/2015 13:28

I agree these children are being given too much control - even down to taking toys home because they don't want them left.

I'd have a communal box of stuff and then each have a few things of their own - lots of families do this. Nothing gets taken home - teach the DSC to trust. It does sound as if they've been taught being separated is the way to be happy. Perhaps they get great treats etc when they are sent to GP house?

It's quite simple re DD - she lives there - she's not being kicked out.

All children need time with their dad. A few hours with DP at his dad and then it's home or back to dads house where his other children live.

I wonder if being sent away by mum has got them anxious about her love for them and so they at testing dads love - eg what will he do for them?

Storm15 · 04/03/2015 14:07

I'm amazed that your DSC or their Mum have even had the audacity to suggest your DD is sent away for the weekend. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't even entertain the suggestion. The absolute maximum I'd do is what Quitelikely has suggested - a couple of dull hours at an elderly relatives house or the local garden centre....

I'd make a complaint against CAFCASS as well, unless your daughter has some serious behavioural issues which you say she doesn't, I don't know what they were thinking making such a ridiculous and impractical recommendation.

TheMumsRush · 04/03/2015 14:38

So when do the DSC see each other when not at dads? Sound like one lives with GP? Will they take on the extra day if they don't come to you? Do the GP's get money for that? Either way they need to learn to get on, not just get the other sent away.

HormonalHeap · 04/03/2015 16:51

Sounds to me as if the two are jealous and resentful of your dd and the time she has with their dad, with ex probably stoking the flames. I don't see what else it could be if they have always got on with your dd.

It really is important to sort this out now (easier said than done I know) before it escalates well into the teenage years.

Petal02 · 04/03/2015 18:57

OP, I'm just relieved your DP is backing you on this.

Goldmandra · 04/03/2015 19:04

I agree with the advice to take them to visit GPs for contact for a while. If they complain of boredom, tell them they are getting what they wanted but, if they would like to come and play with Your DD the next time, they only have to ask.

They need to learn to be careful what they wish for.

BarbarianMum · 05/03/2015 12:27

OP I think your dp should see them on his own for a while, but away from your house because of course your dd shouldn't have to leave. He could take them on day trips, or to relatives houses, or both.

It is really important that he does not in any way reject his kids right now - and even saying to them 'fine, don't come if you don't want to' will be seen by them as rejection. Remember these are 2 young kids whose mum is happy to send them away from home if they don't get on (FFS ) and I'm sure they are desperately jealous of your dd who has a stable home life with their dad.

Really about some of the nasty comments about them on this thread (not from you OP, you seem lovely).

sanityseeker75 · 05/03/2015 13:02

Whilst I agree that if he wants to see them on his own he should (again, not at your house as that is DD's home), please do not pander and take out on expensive day trips.

To me this is a real issue, once they realise that they will have money thrown at them and just them and dad time they are always going to want this and it will be even harder to get them to try and work as a family unit.

It is a real challenge with step families. I get the argument that they should have time with their dad and I get that they did not ask for this situation but then I guess that nobody did and whilst I agree that as children they are not always going to like people because as adults we rarely like everyone but adults have to learn to compromise so it does them more of a favour teaching them that we do not like everyone ALL the time but sometimes we have to accept others despite our feelings. Once you go down the route of letting them vote with their feet or dictating the terms of contact then when does it stop?

PeruvianFoodLover · 05/03/2015 13:27

OP I think your dp should see them on his own for a while, but away from your house because of course your dd shouldn't have to leave. He could take them on day trips, or to relatives houses, or both.

it is really important that he does not in any way reject his kids right now - and even saying to them 'fine, don't come if you don't want to' will be seen by them as rejection

This sentiment is reinforced in Karen Woodalls recent blog about the empathy gap, in which she refers to "hybrid alienation" - that is, the partial or complete rejection of one parent as a coping strategy by DCs to deal with the turmoil and distress of transition between parents who are hostile towards one another.
She advocates "empathy instead of blame, acknowledgement instead of explanation and reassurance instead of remonstration" from parents toward children who behave in this way.

It is a child-focused approach; but one which inevitably leads to unequal treatment of other DCs in the household who are parented more conventionally.

Sethspeaks · 05/03/2015 14:11

I would go with your dp seeing him on his own away from home, and using it as an opportunity to chat with his son.

What I found worked in a similar situation (mum saying dsd hated it with us, or that she didn't like me) was just to act completely normal, but give her the opportunity to say if there was something she didn't like. It was about juggling listening to her thoughts and feelings and respecting those, and allowing for the fact that she was in a difficult position between mum and dad. It was ultimately about making sure she was loved, accepted and supported by us and welcome by all at any time. Not sure if I've explained it that well.

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