non resident parent getting married

[Lullaby15]

My partner and I are getting married this year.

He has an 8 year old from a previous relationship.

Me and my stepchild have had quite a blossoming relationship over the past 4 years and so far no issues in regards to dad having a girlfriend, moving in together etc have cropped up - this is an area we continue to monitor and we have not experienced any behaviours, jealousy, acting up etc. We have encouraged an honest household - if my stepchild is not happy about something then to tell us or just dad etc. We have had a simple talk at each stage through our relationship as to what is happening and what this means (being together, moving in, getting engaged etc). My stepchild knows I am not a new mummy, a replacement mummy and not here to take dad away from them. This has been contently received so far.

This is quite surprising as I expected teething issues from the word 'go' yet I have had a glorious 4 years spending time with a happy, fun loving child who would be happy to come to me for cuddles, bed time stories, ask questions in place of dad etc..

However, a few weeks before we get married an issue has cropped up.

My stepchild has expressed a deep wish to their mother (not us) that they do not want to attend our wedding and the mother has asked us not to discuss this with their child unless she is present as they are very upset about the wedding.

Prior to this my stepchild has been quite involved in contributing ideas to the wedding etc and has not expressed their wish to not want to be there nor have they presented as not wanting this to happen.

My partner has spoken with their child since this has arisen and they have stated they definitely do not want to be there. My step child is OK with us getting married but does not want to "see" us get married. They do not wish to be present at the reception, after the ceremony either.

This is deeply upsetting for all of us. However, if this is their wish then we have to accept that.

We deeply worry that, seeing as my stepchild will be the only one not attending the wedding on my partner's side of the family, will they feel left out and then resent us or me for them not being there etc?

Also as a step mother I'm looking for advice on how we can handle this situation without having to walk on eggshells around my stepchild and their mother in fear of upsetting them with the 'W' word and pretend it isn't happening.

Was she meant to be part of the bridal party? Maybe she just feels the pressure of having to be involved and thinks giving it a miss completely is the only way not to be involved.

the mother has asked us not to discuss this with their child unless she is present as they are very upset about the wedding I strongly disagree with this as it suggests that the child is not able to hold a real conversation with her dad and have her feelings taken into account unless mom is there?

I think that your DH and possibly you (but this may cause you grief of the mom) needs to explain in an age appropriate way that the wedding is important to you both and that you are sad that they are not going to be there as it is a family occasion but equally you want them to be happy and not feel that they can not be open about how they feel with you. That whilst you would rather her be there even if it was just for the party after if it is really what she wants then you support that but if she does decide she wants to be there for any of it then you would be happy about that also.

Is she close to DH's family - does she know that her family will all be there?

What is the relationship like between DH and ex? Could she feel that she is being disloyal to her mom if she goes?

Could it be Mum being unhappy about the wedding and relaying her feelings (possibly unintentionally) towards your DSC that makes her/him feel this way? It does convey that way considering Mum doesn't want the child discussing feelings about the wedding unless she is there.

I too strongly disagree with Mum being present. DSC should be able to have an independent and confidential talk with dad and yourself (or more so dad on his own if possible) about their feelings towards the impending nuptials without anybody else overshadowing.

Maybe dad could take the child out on his own and gently broach the subject to gage exactly how they're really feeling without any outside input.

the mother has asked us not to discuss this with their child unless she is present as they are very upset about the wedding.

At 8 years old, in the kind of relationship you have described, a DC should be capable of expressing this wish themselves.

It may be that the DC is behaving very differently with their mum than with you and your DP; my DD struggled enormously with her Dads house move, and sought reassurance and support from me, and yet her Dad knew nothing about that as she didn't want to disappoint him by appearing worried or unhappy about the move.
However, at no point did I try and control his relationship with her by setting limits of what they could, and could not, talk about. I emphasised to DD the importance of talking to her Dad, and eventually the three of us sat down at her request and talked it through together.

So, while your DSC mum is, IMO, out of line by trying to dictate to your DP what he can and can't talk to his DC about, it is quite possible that the DC has disclosed feelings to their mum that you know nothing about.

Two of my dsc loved our wedding but the oldest (a teenager at the time) cried all the way through the service. She had wanted to be there -in fact we changed the date to accommodate a trip she was on. With hindsight, although a child might accept the situation and like their step parents, I guess it must be hard to hear their dad promise to love another woman forever whilst knowing he made the same promises to their mother and they didn't manage to keep them. I don't know how mature your dsc is but maybe similar thoughts are running through her mind. I think it would be good for her to chat with her dad but I wouldn't worry too much about the actual day. It is more important that she is part of the marriage and new family than the wedding day and it seems that this is the case.

Is there anyone independent they get on with and might open up to? It doesn't sound like they have an issue with you getting married, but the whole telling people what they want to hear is a difficult dynamic to negotiate. Perhaps them talking to someone neutral about it all may highlight issues they may not have wanted to raise, or will highlight that they don't have an issue.

Who would be looking after your DSC during the wedding and reception? Maybe they're worried that you and your DP will be busy and they'll be left loose wondering around with a load of adults they don't know well, whilst their DM isn't there. Or maybe they are unhappy about seeing you exchange vows, knowing those vows your DP made previously weren't kept (I'm not judging him here, but 8 year olds can be quite black and white in their thinking, and influenced by an aggrieved mother who's finding it hard to see her ex move on).

Would it be appropriate to invite your DP's ex to the wedding, or at least to the reception afterwards? Do you think she maybe expected an invite? If so, I'd think about inviting her and your DSC could come with her, so wouldn't feel disloyal.

Does your DP have a sibling, or cousins of your DSC who could encourage them to come along as part of their family for the event? I think it would be a real shame to miss it.

But agree with PP that your DP should speak to your DSC without his ex being there - possibly without you either at first. An 8 year old needs to learn to be able to hold an independent relationship with each of their parents.

Thanks for all your messages. My sc knew they were part of the bridal party and was excited about this.

My partner has teenage kids from a previous marriage (not same ex as this one)who will be there also and part of the bridal party. They know all the other kids that will be there and aunties uncles, grandma and grandad who they have have a lovely relationship with and would be fine about. Once there I can just see them forgetting it being a wedding and getting stuck in with all the other kids.

I worry that they are thinking into this quite deeply for 8 years old. The mother has stated that they will take their child away for that weekend if they have to as we cannot make them go.

We cannot pussyfoot around this when they are in out presence as things need to get done and obviously family and friends need to discuss arrangements and with it being so close to do the day.

Hopefully over the next couple of weeks my sc might come around a bit if they are starting to feel left out (which we don't want them tor feel) Otherwise we will have to respect the decision.

Speaking with my sc about it will enrage the mother due to her wishes we don't 'go on about it' and 'nag' at her. Which we wouldn't do. It's just upsetting that we only hear the mothers words coming from the child's mouth.

Not sure inviting the ex would go well. Although they are in a fairly new relationship I believe they would see it as we're rubbing it in her face.

i couldn't think of anything worse than having an ex at your wedding especially an ex that appears to be interfering trouble maker.

Hope it resolves in a positive manner OP x

I would try and get something in writing from the ex stating child doesnt want to go and that she doesn't want this discussed further. Because when this child gets older she is going to feel pushed out and upset at missing it which ex will prob turn into dad and OP didn't want you there

It is beginning to sound that this is more influenced by her mother than driven by her.

I also think that DSD will regret not being there especially as her paternal family will all be there. Maybe one of her grandparents could step in and have a chat.

Best of luck with the wedding plans and have a fab day

I also think that DSD will regret not being there

Absolutely. Especially if her siblings are attending. What happens afterwards when (as people) do reminisce about the day and DSD is sat there unable to comment and share stories. It would make for some uncomfortable sitting for all.

She may not regret it now as she is still so young, but in time I think she will when she realises she was the only one out of her dad's children not in attendance.

I really don't get what business it is of your ex's to be telling you not to talk about your wedding with DSC. It's going to unavoidable as a conversation topic in the time leading up to the wedding. Why can you not, for the sake of argument, "ban" the ex from talking about it with the DSC? After all it's your wedding, not hers?

Does sound like the poor child is feeling divided loyalties, but I do think your DP has not just a right, but a need to talk to his child about how they're feeling. He could do this gently without putting pressure on, but he needs to understand why his child doesn't want to go, and be sure that there's not some issue he could in fact resolve.

Sounds like it would be a good idea for your fiance to talk with his ex-wife and their child about it. Maybe you don't have to be there. Give them a chance to talk it all through as a little unit. A different unit but still a unit, they are still her parents.

Husband's ex was at our wedding - it was nice - and I think the kids would have found it weird if she wasn't.

I agree her Dad needs to talk to her about it. You need to carry on as per normal talking about the wedding so she's making an informed decision (as much as someone of her age can). If it becomes very clear that she does want to be there and mum is putting pressure on her, then Dad needs to tackle mum about it. Someone needs to be the voice for what this little girl actually wants. And something like a wedding where all the family bar her will be there is important enough to make a stand over.

It might just be that although she really liked you, she had a deep fantasy, one she hasn't shared with anyone that her mum and dad would get back together. She might be battling against the feeling that she likes you and want you in her life and the feeling that if you marry her dad, you will always be there and her mum and dad could never get back together one day.

I agree with the mum that you should leave it. It must have been hard enough for her to admit that she would rather not be there. I would just say that you respect her decision, but that if she changes her mind, that's absolutely fine and she can decide to go at the last minute.

It is quite likely that feeling the pressure off her shoulders, she might indeed change her mind when she realises that not going won't change the outcome except she will be missing out of a fun time.

thank you all for the messages.

It is quite a tough one.

My H2B has spoken with his child about it and they have stated they accept we're getting married but do not wish to see any of it or be part of the day. My stepchild (SC?) likes me as a person but nothing more.

We are having to accept this as the child's wish (even though it seems to be the mother's words). We have paid a place for them at the wedding in case they change their minds.

My SC may have had hopes that mum and dad would get back together (although they separated when SC was 2) this could be behind it maybe?

I try not discuss wedding things around my SC, although it has cropped up now and again via excited family etc. I will make sure it is expressed to SC that they are more than welcome to come and that they are invited and we would love them to be there although will accept their decision. Hopefully they will remember this 10 years down the line when they may start to feel left out of the whole thing.

I'd be happier knowing that this was my SC's decision rather than thinking maybe Mum had something to do with it.

I looked after my SC this weekend whilst my H2B was working and I had the child's mother and grandmother (mothers mum) on the phone to me every 2 minutes asking if SC was ok, were they wanting to come home yet etc...my SC was absolutely fine, we had a great time (despite me being stuck on the phone to the overbearing mother and grandmother all morning).

As much as I appreciate they have concerns, I feel my SC is molly coddled and controlled.

Await my next thread ... once me and my partner get married we are discussing having a child of our own, I wonder how this will go down and whether my SC will all of a sudden no longer be allowed to sleep over at dads!

Anyone else experiencing anything like this?

I am the "child" here so thought I would share my side.

I was in my late 20's when both sets of parents got married (they separated before I started school, so was certainly not recent/raw) and I felt that I didn't want to be at either wedding. Although the wedding had been on the cards for years, it was confirmation for me that my parents had both moved on, and that the only link they had together was me. Luckily both weddings were abroad so I could use work etc as an excuse, but even watching the wedding videos was very sad for me, especially the vows. I know this isn't rational (especially at my age!) but it was how I felt, and still do to be honest.

OP this may be the mother highly influencing your SC's decision, but I would leave it at that, and have the album available to show her if she expresses an interest.

And on the topic of children, I was very relieved that neither parent had any more children with their new partner, that was always a worry of mine. Again, not very rational but was quite deep rooted in my case.

Mad mum, I can understand your point, and yes perhaps, this child has always held tight to the 'Fairytale Ending' that the parents will reunite...can't blame them for that!
Lullaby, I know you would prefer your SC to attend the wedding, and given time they may change their minds. But picture this scenario...they are. persuaded to attend and all seems OK, until at some (probably crucial) point, when loud wailing ensues with demands to be taken home by Daddy right NOW!!!! My SGD aged about 9 attended her mother's wedding (my SD) as a BM, all seemed well until half way through photos when she threw a massive strop and wouldn't be comforted by anyone but her mother! This meant the Bride had to take her daughter off to a quiet room, whilst wedding party waited 45 minutes before they came back to complete photos...whole wedding subsequently delayed! I think, she was tired, but also fed-up with the focus not being on her, but who knows maybe she just didn't want it to happen!!!

I recognise several things in what you say. We were told for many years not to discuss with DSD how she feels about coming to our house etc. Finally we were told she wants to come less, so and DSD was very unhappy so we decided to broach this with her, and she was aghast at some of the things mum had told us. So I would definitely avoid that, and particularly because of the second thing I recognise. The other thing we uncovered was that DSD was very confused about the fact that her mum was getting married. She didn't want to say because she knew, just as the adult step child above, that it wasn't 'rational', but she felt is anyway. She described all of these things, that it signalled the end of any chance of mum and dad getting back together, she didn't know if she would have to call him dad, if she would have to change his name. We spent a lot of time talking about all these worries, and once things were explained she was happy and excited again about the wedding. Even things which may seem obvious to adults about the fact arrangements won't change aren't obvious to a child and it's vital for both parents to talk this through and show a united calming story to the child. If it becomes a taboo subject that's not helping matters it's making it worse. Openly talking about it as a happy thing that's normal and nothing to worry about is the best approach. If they still don't want to come then of course absolutely accept that but I don't see how denial and talking about a big part of your lives behind a child's back makes things less strange for them.

madmum I had a lot of very deep seated feelings about my dad remarrying, that were bewildering and confusing to explain and understand, just as you described in your post!

lullaby you may well find that your DSD cannot express or even understand why she feels the way she does. I know from experience of my own DSS when he was 12 and was interviewed (due to 50/50 shared care arrangements), he was asked to express one wish and he said it was for his parents to get back together (even though he knew life was better with them apart, because they didn't get on).

This may be at the heart of the matter. Even though she is fine about life Dad and new DSM - it's just a natural thing for children wish for.

Maybe your DP continue to have some open conversations with her and explain how much he wants her to be there - maybe the reassurance will be what makes the difference!

I think that you are doing the right thing by respecting her wishes, but leaving the door open to her attending - even if she wants to at the very last minute. I think that what is happening is a very primal fear that she will no longer be 'first' with her parents, that they might move on from her too...

Maybe her father can reassure her about what will change/stay the same after the wedding?

There might be books that would help - story books, I mean.

Thanks so much everyone. Your posts have given me multiple honest and personal opinions and experiences that we can go forward with. Will Def keep them in mind x

There is a local service near to us in Lincoln called Cafcass they have have a range of resources for children which may be helpful also.