Adult SC's?

[Wdigin2this]

Has anyone any experience of adult SD (with kids of her own) always behaving like a dependant child (emotionally and financially) when spending time with us? I should be used tot after many years, but find it winds me up more and more?!

Unfortunately i have great experience of that. It is encouraged by Mr Disney who loves to feel "needed". I am under no illusion that things will ever change as It's a situ that works for both dh and steps

Oh do I empathise with that...Mr Disney needing to be needed! In all fairness he would treat my DC's the same, pay for every single thing when we're together, but they wouldnt dream of letting him! DSD will spend time away with us, and not even bring her purse, every time...without fail!! He tolerates it with many excuses for her, when I try to reason with him that it's a ridiculous situation but I'm hitting my head against a brick wall...and it's driving me nuts!!

Sadly, I think this is very common. My years of being a step Mum, of getting to know my own and other step kids, my own DP and reading this and other forums has taught me that this is often the case.

I've had friends reassuring me that all my stress over step kids will be over when they grow up and become adults. I doubt that will be the case. They are not being given the "tools" to grow up.

I've seen many a step mum on here complaining of their young adult step children behaving in a much younger way only to be told they are jealous and interfering.

I can see how it is created (fear of losing contact from child and NRP, not being with child all the time as they grow up and accepting they are more mature etc etc) but unfortunately so few people recognise it as a problem not just for the step parent but for the stunted emotional growth of the child and for the deep rooted insecurity in the NRP.

I think the problems stem from the fact that, usually during a break up the mother stays with the children and the father leaves the family home....not always, but usually!! From then on in, the father is wracked with guilt about not living with, daily caring for them, lack of family interaction, not being there to put them to bed/at breakfast, not to mention worrying about keeping the ex sweet so as to maintain regular access...the list goes on!! So, he becomes a Disney Dad, only there for fun times, spending money and giving absolute attention, which all leads to the difficulties and problems experienced by the new partner/wife whether or not she has her own DC....and in some cases it gets worse not better when they grow up! Sorry for such a pessimistic post, but that's my experiences!!

OP, are you my DSM? What you describe totally fits my relationship with DF. Somehow the painful divorce (which happened when I was in my early twenties) made us all revert to our roles when we were small and we are still trying to move past it. It is true of my DBs as well as me. The new part is that DF is treating DD as another me and being v v overprotective of her and clearly preferring her over his other grandchildren.

Anyway, sorry to be so unhelpful, but I completely sympathise and think you and my DSM are saints.

Well thank you Alteredimages, but no I don't think I'm your DSM....you'd know for sure if I was!! My DH broke up with EW way before I came on the scene, which was many years ago! My DSC were in late teens at the time, and one in particular seems to have stayed there! Why is your DF giving your DD more attention than his other DGC, is it because you are his only DD, and she's an extention of you!
PS: I'm no saint, but it would be very nice if some DSD's realised they're daddy's DD's not his DW! ??

Wdigin I think DF favouring DD is a combination of golden child's child plus him having another go at raising me, seeing as I didn't turn out an internationally famous doctor/ lawyer/ particle physicist. She was also until recently the only granddaughter.

Good luck with your DSDs! In many ways adult stepchildren are so much harder than young ones but no one really talks about it.

And good luck to you Altered, coping with any problems arising from your DF's preference for your DD! Perhaps you could try to include his other DGC during times with your DD, and subtly encourage him to see them as a group rather than only individuals! Yes, you are so right, adult SC are hard, mine had already established their particular role/niche in DH's life before I came along, DSD was accustomed to being number one lady (read: spender of his money) in his life, and now decades later, she is still unwilling to relinquish that role!!