To have another baby or not?

[chattterbox]

I suppose this isn't really a step parenting problem but I'm just interested to get the perspective of step mums.

Together DH and I have 4 DCs - 2 from his past relationship, 1 from my past relationship and 1 together.

A few months ago we had an unplanned pregnancy, we weren't sure whether to continue with it but then about a week or so after finding out, so at about 6 weeks, we miscarried. Which was kind of a relief that the decision was taken out of our hands.

But recently I've been wanting a baby more and more. Maybe I just need time to get over the miscarriage. But I can't imagine never having another baby again. But we have 4 kids, I have a boy and a girl, they're healthy and happy, soon they'll both be at school, I can get my life back a bit, life will become easier. There's so many reasons why we shouldn't have a baby, but I'm just longing for one. I should just be grateful and happy with what I have, shouldn't I?

I think if I didn't have DSC then I'd definitely be wanting another one, but five children?! That's a lot isn't it?!

I don't even think we really have space for another child (I need to remember these little babies turn in to actual children). We've got 3 bedrooms (small bedrooms), one bedroom is just a box room with bunk beds, the other bedroom is a bit bigger with bunk beds and wardrobes.
If we had another baby it would mean moving around bedrooms, possibly getting rid of a set of bunk beds to make room for a cot, but that would mean DSC wouldn't have a permanent bed.
Or baby would have to be in our room until it's old enough to go in to a bottom bunk and then when DSC stay baby would have to come in to our room.
DSC are supposed to come EOW but they're often busy, on average DSS only comes once about every 6 weeks, it's a bit frustrating to not be able to have another baby because we're keeping a bed free for whenever DSS might feel that he can be bothered to come and visit.
But it is his space, I can't go and boot him out of his space because he's going through a phase of not visiting very often.

Alternatively, we could keep baby in our room and then when I return to work we move to a 4 bed house.

The relationship with DH and his ex is a difficult one, us having a baby together was when it all went tits up really, she got very jealous.
I'm worried that having another baby would cause more problems with her, but then I don't want her to influence my decision.

Sorry I'm just thinking out loud here.

DH feels the same as me, he would love another baby but as things are, we're settled, we have a set up which works, the difficult early years are nearly behind us and do we really want to go back to square one?

But I'm just so bloody broody!

Maybe we need a puppy? Or a baby niece/nephew?

WWYD?

I want another too.... We have DSD and 3 together. The youngest is 18 months old now....

It's not going to happen. DSD is somehow twice the work of the other 3 and I already feel like they don't get the individual attention they need much of the time. Her behaviour hasn't been great recently and she's starting to act out at school. I have a feeling we're in for some rather turbulent teenage years....I don't think I could cope dealing with that whilst being pregnant or caring for a newborn.

Like you, we don't have another bedroom...for various reasons we've ended up educating the kids privately and we can't afford another set of school fees. Holidays are already a complete mission with 4 kids etc etc. I'm 37 this year. I've already had three C-sections. Our kids are all healthy...sometimes I think we'd be pushing our luck if we had another! Like you, so many reasons not to....

If we didn't have DSD, I'm pretty sure I'd go for it. But we do have her. And deep down I know it would be madness. Which is what I kept telling myself when I got my tubes tied...

Yeh 2 children is nice, they constantly have a little friend but it's not too chaotic...then we get the fun of having a mad house with 4 children EOW.

I also do predict troublesome teenage years ahead of us, but on the other hand I can also see the current situation turning in to DSC stopping coming. It happened to my Dad, his ex kept making my half sisters busy every weekend and then eventually they didn't want to see my Dad, he's not seen them in years. It's like history repeating itself.

You're right about holidays, an extra child makes everything a lot more expensive. Even just going out for tea or a day out, it's just extra costs all the time.
I do think it's maybe better to have less children but be able to give them a better quality of life, and of course more of my time.
I definitely don't want another one unless I'm 100% certain it's definitely the right thing to do. Although my 2 babies are the best things to have ever happened to me, they were both quite stressful times in my life, if I do it again I want it to be perfect (or as perfect as it can be).

I'm 30 and in my mind I think I would consider having children up until around 40 so I consider myself to have another 10 years of potential baby making left in me, so there's no immediate rush really.

Definitely not ready to consider sterilisation, I've had the coil fitted so that will do for the next few years.

I am nearly 40 and have struggled with this over the years. We have been married 9 years and lived together about 10/11.

We have 4 between us (DH 3 and me just 1) but younger DSS was not quite 1 when he started coming to ours so it was quite easy having the benefits of a LO without the actual 24/7 of a lo IYSWIM. Plus there is 12 months between DS and DSD so they were about 5 and 4 and a slightly older DSS.

We often talked about having another but life was hectic with 4 kids most weekends and the age was tough between the 1 YO and 8/9 YO and trying to accommodate everyone.

Over the years contact patterns changed so sometimes we had them more for long periods then a lot less and it was these times we were more inclined to want another.

I have really struggled as I am heading towards being 40 as I know that it is pretty much a now or never thing. Only having 1 of my own I also think I am more aware that DH has 3 sets of kids and grandkids to look forward to (my DS have come out recently as being Bi and says he doesn't want kids anyway) so this is something I may never have. Don't get me wrong I know that actually it is not everyone's choice to have kids etc anyway but it has made me question more in a completely illogical way.

Now we have DS who is 20 and we never see him (well maybe once a year - esp if he is short of money) we have 2 who are 14 and 15 and the LO is nearly 11.

I still love the idea of another one but am knackered nearly every weekend (we still have EW contact but manage to get 1 out of 4 off). I work away at least twice a month and teenagers are exhausting. A baby I could handle but the thought of having to go through the teenage years all over again in another 13 years is terrifying.

I really want to see the world with DH, I can't do it quite yet (we do holiday with the kids but I mean really long haul hols which we couldn't afford to take the kids at the moment) if I had another baby I know that my dreams of seeing the world would be gone forever really as finances and baby would mean no long haul for years again - esp when new one would be tied to school hols again.

I suppose for every plus to having a new lo there is just as stronger reason not to and as much as I worry about how my choices will impact on me I also worry about how they will impact on my DS. He is the only one who will look after me when I am old and have no true brothers and sisters to help. DH is sure that the others would support him and look after us as they have been raised together etc but who knows really how things will turn out

I think if you are younger and really want it then go for it because as the years go on there is more reason not to from a practical point of view and it is so hard when they kids get older to start all over again.