DH's toxic family and DSC

[bingobingo]

My DH has an aggressive and toxic family who had had several internal rifts before I met him. He has a particularly weird and abusive brother who leads a very frightening/illegal lifestyle. His Ex never liked or saw this brother while they were together and as a pair they never saw brother and his wife at all. Upshot is he has been NC with his brother for over a decade and also sporadically with his parents who have crumbled under the pressure of the brother's exploits, and are not very nice people anyway.

Fast forward to now and DH has been married to me for five years, after splitting up with his ex ten years ago. They have two children in their older teens who have found it hard over the years as their mum will not cooperate with our household at all and has encouraged her kids to look badly on us (though they do visit and we have a very close relationship).

In recent years DH's crazy brother has tried to get in touch with DH's kids independently. DH was frightened by this and tried to stop it, but now it seems that his ex has struck up a very cosy relationship with the crazy brother and his wife, and is facilitating the kids seeing them/staying in touch, and from what the kids say it sounds like they all get together and slag off my DH. This process seems not only weird (i.e. why would his Ex, after so long, want to be in touch with this horrible relative of DH's who sets such a bad example to their children?) but also manipulative (i.e. the Ex and DB are trying to, all of a sudden, make a close-knit family involving the kids that excludes my DH.

I realise this is quite niche but does anyone have any experience? It is hurtful to my DH, who is a lovely man, and also to the kids who are going to fall in with the wrong crowd. Also why on earth would a long-divorced woman want to get back in touch with the worst member of an ex's family? Why try purposefully to cut DH out?

I don't really have any experience of this but you did say that his ex didn't have a relationship with his brother whilst she was with your DH, is that right?
So my guess is his brother has probably sweet talked her, hold her that everything she was told was lies and they found common ground by having a dislike for your DH and therefore maybe hit it off.

I know this is hard for your DH but I really can't see a way that you can prevent it, hopefully they'll soon get bored of each other or his ex will see what he's really like and it'll come to an end.

I don't think that just because your DSC know him it will mean they will fall in with the wrong crowd.
I've known some dodgy people in the past but I've never been involved in any crime or been lead astray by them, I have a mind of my own and I knew the difference between right and wrong.

That's exactly it blueberry - you've put it better than me! It's hard enough trying to make all the relationships work in our situation without this. I do hope that they get bored of each other, as you say.

That's exactly it blueberry - you've put it better than me! It's hard enough trying to make all the relationships work in our situation without this. I do hope that they get bored of each other, as you say.

if the activity his db is involved in is illegal then your only option is to report this to social services and ask them to check that your dsc's are safe.

other than that unfortunately there is very little you can do except ignore and rise above it. if they aren't getting a rise out of you they will eventually get bored and bugger off

I've thought about this a little, I think if I was in the ex's position I would probably give the brother a chance too.
I never met my ex's brothers (DS's dad) , none of them are criminals but one is a bit dodgy but I think if he made contact with DS in the future I wouldn't stop him from seeing his uncle (I don't think DS has ever met him either) as I'm a bit of a sucker for 'family' and I'd probably think DS should know his uncle but I probably would try to get to know him myself so I could keep an eye on their relationship and make sure he's a suitable person to be around my kids.
She could just be doing that, keeping an eye on him and the relationship.

I try not to judge people from what I've been told by other ppl and try to judge people by how they treat me.
But for your DH, because he knows what he's really like, it's frustrating for him to see somebody not being able to see what he sees, especially as it involves his kids.

I totally see what you mean blueberrymuffin but she is really not bothered about family when it comes to her children's own father (or me or their half-siblings), and tries to discourage the relationship. Moreover she made sure she had nothing to do with this brother when she was with my DH and insisted he stay away. It is a weird change of heart and designed to hurt my DH, I think. I think you are all right though that if we don't respond to it they will get bored and move on.

She has met him a number of times.

I would be worried too. My own family are not safe to be around my DC and I'm NC with my family and have been for a long time because of these issues but the last time they tried to get to DD1 (as a young teenager) I realised there was contact between my ex and my family. I insisted in him cutting all contact which he did amazingly If he'd insisted on having any contact with them that involved the DC I would have cut all contact with him too.

The good thing is that your DSC are older so it's worth sitting them down and telling them exactly how you feel and why. Then at least they have more chance of being able to keep themselves safe. That's what I've done as my DC have got older.

OP, there is nothing that you can do about your DSC meeting their uncle when with their mum. And there is nothing that you can do about their conversations. All you and your DP can do is ignore, get on with your own lives and continue to support his children.

If you are really worried that the uncle is trying to make them do something illegal, or is endangering them, contact social services or the police.

Thanks. I should point out that none of us live in the same city, so it isn't like they might just bump into him when out with their mum -- she is making a purposeful effort to ferry the children 60 miles or so to visit him.

While herself striking up a 'constantly in touch' Facebook thing with him.

Bingo, you are torturing yourself with this relationship. Stop looking for, imagining or listening to the details. They seem to be causing you a lot of stress and there is nothing that you or your DH can do to change tge situation.

I see that, I was just looking for support/advice/any similar experience.