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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Starting to really struggle with DSS

18 replies

Stepmum99 · 01/03/2015 14:45

My 14 year old DSS is allowed to play with his x-box and phone from morning to night on weekends and holidays. His only chore is the drying up when he is here (which 50% of the time). Although I pay the bills, I get little respect from DSS and my patience is wearing thin. DSS naturally wants to push boundaries, but these are so few and far between and I am concerned about what we'll have to deal with when he's older. Anyone else having these issues and what can I do when the rules I'd like put in place aren't considered?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mehitabel6 · 01/03/2015 15:06

I think that you need to take it up with his father and insist that you draw up rules together.

FireflyLight · 01/03/2015 15:37

This is a discussion you need to have with his dad about boundaries and rules. Suggest maybe a curfew time on x-box and phone that you can agree on with your partner.

It's something the pair of you really need to sit down and talk about and come together with on a united front. And it's also something you both need to stand firm with.

ImperialBlether · 01/03/2015 15:43

Why are you paying all the bills?

Does his dad take his side when he flouts the rules?

FlossyMoo · 01/03/2015 18:02

I agree with PP what is his fathers input?

CalicoBlue · 01/03/2015 18:43

I have these issues, my DSS stays in his room on the Xbox/computer all weekend and has no chores. Though I doubt if my solution would work for you.

I suggest as PP have, discuss the situation with his father. Explain what you see the problem is and how the two of you can resolve it. You really need your DH on board with wanting change, if he is happy with how things are, then you need to find a compromise that works for you both.

slkk · 01/03/2015 23:07

What is your solution, calico?

CalicoBlue · 01/03/2015 23:27

I have stepped away from anything to do with DSS. If DH is happy with his behaviour then I do not say anything. I have practically nothing to do with DSS, sometimes when he is in the house I do not even see him. Sounds strange, but it is what works for us at the moment. Not something I would recommend though.

slkk · 01/03/2015 23:33

That's sad, calico. Hopefully things will change as he grows up.

Runnyhunny · 02/03/2015 10:32

I am a step mum but it's my son age 14 with whom I am having exactly the same issues as you. Obviously as this one's my son I get the dubious honour of getting to scream at him, not that that solves anything,

It is purely your dp's job to sort this out, hard as it is. My ds also does no chores but that is down to my lazy parenting, and is not his, just as it is not your dss's, fault.

More importantly, it is not your dss's fault or concern who pays the bills. He did not set that up himself, and therefore should not be blamed in any measure for that.

blueberrymuffffin · 02/03/2015 11:19

I do understand your frustration. I find it frustrating that I provide a nice home, nice bedrooms for DSC, shop for them, cook for them and clean up after them but when it comes down to discipline and rules or even just making plans for our weekend it often feels like I'm nobody and like my opinions don't matter or that I'm not 'allowed' to discipline them.

I agree with others, you need to speak to your DH about the situation and agree together what you can do.

I imagine 14 yo DSS would be hard work, I know when my brother was that age he just wasn't interested in anything, apart from computers!
Is there anything he'd like to do with your DH? Football? Cinema? Fishing? Any games?
It might do you all good if u can try and find an activity he likes x

hoobygalooby · 02/03/2015 11:59

Blueberry- I think your first paragraph describes my life exactly!! Needed for the crap jobs bit insignificant when it comes to any major decision making!!!
Calico's solution sounds perfect to me!!!

FeelTheNoise · 02/03/2015 12:01

14 yo boys are bloody hard work! They are disrespectful to the point of contemptuous at times. It's harder to take from someone else's kid though, by a long way

FeelTheNoise · 02/03/2015 12:03

Blueberry you've hit the nail on the head! And we have DPs effing parents trying to support this notion that DSD, who lives with us full time, has more of a say than I do - they can fuck the fuck off! I've had to be so assertive in my own home, it's shit

blueberrymuffffin · 02/03/2015 12:37

Feelthenoise - yes you should be assertive in your own home.
There's been so many times when I've had to remind myself "no I'm the adult, I'm 36 years old, why am I letting these children rule the roost?"
There has been times when DSS damaged my house (it was my house, it was before dh moved in) and I just stood biting my tongue.
I do think that DH should do the majority of the disciplining but I think if I don't stand up for myself or be assertive then I'm unlikely to ever gain DSC's respect.

Tutt · 02/03/2015 19:17

Calico's solution works for me too.
Is the only way I keep sane!

FeelTheNoise · 02/03/2015 21:59

It's bloody exhausting though Blueberry! It's constant

Original poster

Stepmum99 · 04/03/2015 20:12

Thanks all for your comments. I think Calico's way might be the best option for now.

OP posts:

CalicoBlue · 04/03/2015 20:26

I have been slated on other threads for my solution. But I have to say that the house has been so much more relaxed and stress free since I stepped away. DH is responsible for everything to do with DSS and I just get on with our day to day life. DSS stays in his room, his choice, and won't come and eat or watch tv with the rest of us. I will not be in sole charge either. DH takes him on holiday on their own and makes sure that he has 121 time.

I hope you find a solution that suits you and gives you some peace.

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