DP's Painfully Shy Son

[hawleybits]

DP and I have been together for 18 months and both have teenagers. My ds is 14 and his is 13 and, on the face of it, they seem to have very similar interests. We live a few hours apart but the boys have spent time socialising at weekends, during holidays and on days out.

Dp's ds is terribly shy, to the point, he barely speaks, unless to his dad. My ds tells me he's OK when they're alone together, playing FIFA or out playing football but it can be awkward at times. My ds is very patient and friendly and himself, very outgoing.

I seem to be the biggest problem. I've gone out of my way to be understanding; tried chatting; not being too chatty; having a bit of banter; leaving him to be close to his dad but still he cannot talk to me directly.

We had a few days together at half term. I provided meals, entertainment and the usual washing, tidying etc. When it was time for us to part, my ds and dd both thanked my dp for a lovely time however, nothing was forthcoming from DP's ds - not a word until I said goodbye and he just about managed a quick "bye".

It's now at the point, I have already started making excuses for not spending Easter together as it's so difficult and I can feel myself beginning to feel resentment.

Is it me? Should I be more understanding? After all this time, is it reasonable to expect some small level of communication and acknowledgement? I don't want to embarrass him but I can't imagine things improving unless we start to build a relationship of some sort. I'd be happy with a few smiles. and the odd little chat. DP says he really likes me and my dc!

I haven't mentioned this to dp yet but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it to myself. Any clues anyone, please?

Thanks for your reply Maybe. You sound like a lovely step mum, I wish I had your confidence.

I suppose having two teenage dc of a similar age I am not used to what I consider to be, bad manners. A simple "thanks" would be so appreciated and after all this time, it's almost become accepted that dp's ds is given special dispensation.

I absolutely understand that his shyness holds him back but still feel he should be encouraged to at least show some small sign that he is happy to be with us.

I was painfully shy as a child but I was more shy when I really liked somebody, it sounds like that may be the case.

My daughter is very young but is also painfully shy so I really do feel for your DP's DS.
Please don't think that he's being rude or ignorant, it's more of an anxiety about talking. And the more you like somebody the more anxious you can feel about saying something wrong/something silly or whatever his underlying anxiety is.

Just give it time and lots of patience. Don't put pressure on him to speak.

Seeing somebody little and often can work best to get him used to you x

Don't be too hard on him.
My DS is painfully shy. He struggles to speak to anyone he doesn't know. I've been with my DP over 5 years since DS was 10 and he is only now at 15 able to chat to him and then only about football!! He can't make eye contact with anyone and his voice disappears altogether when he is nervous!

Don't push him, stay at a distance and he will feel more comfortable eventually,
It really isn't rudeness I promise

:) Thank you all. I feel so much better for asking. I really hope he does like us and feel happy in our company. Time then...?

hawley my ds is painfully shy too and to others he may seem rude but it's really not rudeness. Even today I took him for a haircut to his usual barber and when it was finished the guy asked if he liked it. My son just mumbled something and the man was worried he didn't like it. When we left the shop my son was saying how cool his hair was but he just couldn't speak to the man.
I was even worse when I was younger and it does pass.
As pp have said, it's nothing personal and don't reduce your contact with your dss. Persevere and it will get better.