New (1st) Step-Grandchild but in a pickle.....

[fubar74]

Hi everyone, I just need a little advice.

I have become a step-grandparent to the most gorgeous little girl, she is 2 weeks old tomorrow.

A few of you may remember me posting about 18 months ago or so, after my step-son came back up to our hometown to live but caused havoc with my family and relationship with his dad, anyway I'm back! lol

He has had a baby with his GF they are now 18 years old and should be old enough to cope but to be honest from what I have seen over the past 2 weeks I am not only flabbergasted but scared of the consequences for us all but esp. baby.

They seem to think they have some miracle child, at 11 days they let her sit up on her own without support, 'he' says she is trying to stand on her own too (so are they putting all her weight on her little legs?!) they are feeding her 4 oz bottles within a week of her arriving, but this is more due to every time she whinges in goes another bottle, even when she is clearly asleep in goes the bottle! she is rarely dressed fully, no hat on in the buggy and yes its still bitter and this was at 8pm last night, no blankets over her most of the time when she is sleeping, no wonder the poor thing doesn't sleep for long she wakes herself up and doesn't feel comforted. When they do have a hold of her (if you can call it holding) she is left like like a limp ragdoll in their arms or face down crunched up on their chests, they never support her head or give her a 'proper' cuddle.

They came to ours last night and I took over as I couldn't stand it any longer, as soon as I cuddled her and put her dummy in (she is a suckler but gets fed instead!) I wrapped he up in a blanket and she immediately went to sleep and stayed that way, so its not her that is the problem.

My problem is I can see what is going wrong and why and don't have a voice as they don't seem to take any advice but they do need guidence and support from someone before the baby is hurt.

WTH do I do? I want to scream but feel no one will hear me, if I speak to social services (which they know of them anyway so it wouldn't be a new thing to them hearing of potential problems) I would be outcast and labelled, yet I feel a child's wellbeing is at risk here.

Is she or am I just panicking and being stupid?

Tbh if you honestlly feel a baby is in danger then you have no choice but to go to ss, could you live with yourself if you didn't and something happened. If they won't take advice or help from you or anyone then there is no alternative. I hope everything works out

What does your DP say?

Do you actually feel the baby is in danger or are you just fretting because they don't do things the way you do?
Everything you have said could easily be spun another way by them; they don't want the baby to have a dummy, for example. I can't quite understand what's bad about the holding for example, and the hat isn't particularly important if she's dressed properly otherwise (a lot of nonsense is bandied around about how much heat we lose through our heads).

Of course, they may be overwhelmed new parents who would benefit from a word or two from a friendly health visitor. Just be careful you are interfering for genuine reasons or your stepson and his partner will be on here soon moaning about their interfering mother who insists on her way being the best way....

It doesn't sound like they're actually doing anything dangerous.

It sounds to me like you need to take a step back and let them settle into parenting. She's their child, not yours, and they don't have to do things the way you would.

Reading your post I think your concerns are legitimate.

I think you should call the NSPCC, not SS. That way you will get a chance to explain your concerns and your need for anonymity.

Take a look at the NSPCC website.

They are 18 years old... I don't see how that means they 'should' be able to cope. Both so young, especially if they're not used to babies.

I don't necessarily think it's time for SS. I think it's time for their family to step up and supoort them to look after their child.

Sorry, fat fingers.

If the 'family' can't be you (I don't know your history with DSD) then you need to work with DH to find someone else to support them.

I don't see anything that they are doing that would be dangerous. In the nicest possible way, have you read any of the advice that has been recommended recently?

The issues you have mentioned
-they let her sit up unsupported - well would she not fall over if she isn't supported at all? Both of mine liked to be sat unsupported but with a balancing hand on their tummies at this age. What's the problem?

• they let her stand up - well what exactly is going to happen if she supports her own weight on her legs? She won't get broken legs or anything. Again, mine did this. Not an issue.
• they feed her on demand - exactly what is recommended nowadays
• they don't swaddled her up in lots of layers of clothing and blankets with a hat on her head - not recommended due to risk of cot death. Babies do sleep better wrapped up with lots of layers and very cosy but they are also at risk of overheating and cot death so health visitors advise against it. My parents were taught to wrap me up but I was told scare stories against it. Babies don't need hats.
• they don't hold like you would - different babies like different things. Mine like being held upright on my shoulder and would hate being held cradled. I used to squirm when older relatives ignored me and held them all cuddled up and my babies screamed at them. Being held in a different way from how you would hold them is not going to hurt them.

Nothing they are doing is going to hurt their baby. You telling them everything they do is wrong and taking their baby off them "because you can't stand it" is going to damage your relationship with them forever.

They parent differently from you. That doesn't mean that they are wrong. If you saw a nice confident middle class thirty something (like me) doing what they are doing you would not think twice.

I agree with other posters, from what you've written it doesn't see, like they are doing anything wrong.

Since my baby was born I have had my parents think what we do is wrong, eg feeding on demand, not weaning until 6 months, not putting a coat on in the car seat etc. They have finally accepted that we're doing it our way- took a while though.

I understand your worries op and if you feel that strongly about the situation then feel free to contact ss and see what they say about it. Seeing as ss are already involved they are the ones who will know what to do for the best.
I think it just goes to show how immature they are because they are trying to rush the baby's development.
Good luck op.

Would an initial chat with NSPCC or similar help?
I wouldn't disagree with earlier comments that some of what you mention might just be a difference in opinion / current practices, and in themselves may not be a huge issue.
But equally, our worries can often be more than just the sum of those two or three issues.

Thank you all for your replies, I don't mind at all those who think I am just comparing styles, it has been over 20 years since I had a newborn and I know advice changes but I have spoken to my mother in law, she is a foster carer for social services and has babies from newborn and she has all the same concerns as I do, esp the handling of the child. We have both picked up on things that we would both deem as dangerous behaviour, but it seems to be more down to inexperience and lack of knowledge, so we have come up with an action plan, my MIL is going to find out who their HV is and she will have a talk about parenting classes for them both, which I think coming from her would be better than coming from me. But thanks again for the replies