Am I being selfish wanting to move house?

[NotActuallyAMum]

Don't know how many of you remember this thread from last year. Basic story is, my DP and I live in the house he shared with his ex-wife. I've never felt comfortable living there and seriously regret moving in. He promised me that if I couldn't settle within 12 months of the house being ours that he would agree to move. Well, it's been 14 months now since that happened and he's still digging his heels in, although he has - very, very reluctantly - said he will move "if we really must". He just doesn't understand why I'm not happy there
The only thing that's holding me back from saying "look, you promised we'd move so we're moving!" is that his dd now lives with us. She moved in 6 months ago after her mum threw her out. She loves the house as much as her Dad, particularly her new bigger bedroom which we have recently 'done up' for her. Her mum comes in and out of her life as and when she sees fit, they're currently not speaking (again!) because dsd has been visiting her Uncle (mum's brother, who she doesn't speak to). Her mum gave her an ultimatum, saying if she doesn't stop going there she'll never see her again but dsd stood her ground and said she wasn't stopping going there. Her mum put the phone down and dsd hasn't heard from her since
Sorry to ramble but the point I'm trying to make is that dsd has had so much upheaval (sp?) in her life the last (nearly) 3 years and I can't help thinking that making her move house when she doesn't want to is something she could well do without. We haven't mentioned it to her yet but we're certain she won't want to move, mainly because she loves her room so much. If we did move we'd have to downgrade slightly so her 'new' bedroom would be nowhere near as big as her current one
I'd really appreciate opinions/advice
TIA

A tough one. I moved in with dh and the house never felt like mine. I moved a year after he died. I know exactly how you feel but given the circumstances i'd hold fire if I were you. Let things settle down a bit. Can you revamp it a bit? Cheaper than moving.

I've tried revamping, it hasn't made any difference. The house looks totally different to how it did when I met DP but I just don't feel any happier there. Don't know what else I can do to help myself

Tricky one. By how much would you have to downsize if you sold this house and moved into another one? Also, could you include your dsd in the process? Let her look for houses on rightmove/come with you to viewings so as to give her input as well and not feel as if you are just selling her home from under her? Make it into a family project rather than just something you are doing because *you aren?t happy ? by including her she may actually come round to the idea quicker than if you just told her you were moving iyswim.

Your dsd?s mother sounds like a piece of work IMO.

I understand your feelings NAAM.

When I met my (now) DH he lived in a house that he'd bought when he and his ex sold their family home. I know for an absolute fact that I couldn't have moved in with him and the DSs if he was still living in the house he shared with his ex-wife.

However, you made the compromise and moved in. You and DP made the decision to give it time and set a specific period. That time has now passed and you feel as uncomfortable as ever . Only now circumstances have changed and you are looking down the barrel of another compromise for the sake of those around you. Classic step-parent territory .

If I was in your position I think I'd have to sit DP down and discuss it calmly with him. Realistically you know that moving at the moment may be too much pressure on DsD and it sounds like you are prepared to respect that and wait a little longer (that's the impression I get from your OP anyway). I think your DP needs to know that you are not shelving your hopes of buying a new place forever, merely putting them on hold for the sake of DsD. I'd set another 'settling period' and review the situation.

wannaBe her mum certainly is a piece of work....

We wouldn't have to downsize lots, it's just that we don't have the money to pay for estate agents/solicitors etc. so if, say, our house is worth £130k (guessing) we could buy something for about £125k. We would certainly involve her in the process, no way would we just say "we're moving to this house", she would definitely come and view with us

NDP you described the situation far better than me, spot on about 'looking down the barrel of another compromise'. Yes I did give the impression I'm prepared to wait a little longer...but only because I think I know that I'm going to have no choice

Guess I've answered my own question haven't I?

"Looking down the barrel of another compromise for the sake of those around you. Classic step-parent territory". Exactly. Couldn't agree more, NDP.

No, you aren't being selfish NAAM. Not one bit. He is. You've already compromised over not having a child of your own. That's huge. I think by comparison digging his heels in over bricks and mortar is unreasonable.

Could you start saving for a deposit or the fees, so that you don't need to downsize?

Hello Surfermum

Yes we could save the money up for the fees. It'd take a while though, but I do think that's probably the best option, have to say believe it or not I hadn't thought of that! At least that way I can 'see light at the end of the tunnel' so to speak. And of course dsd will be older so probably (hopefully!) won't be quite so attached to her room by the time we've saved the money

I WOULD DEFINETLY INVOLVE HER FROM THE BEGINNING I HAVE A DSD THAT LIVES WITH US SHE IS 14 AND I GET ON GREAT WITH HER AND A 9YR OLD DSD THAT LIVES WITH HER MUM THAT HAS TAKEN SOME WORK, AND I THINK LETTING HER HELP CHOOSE ANOTHER HOUSE WITH YOU WILL MAKE HER FEEL PART OF EVERYTHING.
GOOD LUCK HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT