dss struggling

[wheresthelight]

things are a bit messy so apologies if this is long...

exw phoned on Tuesday, dss being bullied at school and when she tried to talk to him he has shouted and become verbally aggressive and basically told her he hates her and everything is her fault including the fact his dad doesn't live with them any more. she called dp to deal with him and as we were on our way to the supermarket we collected him and discussed the issues.

now it is exw fault as she had an affair but the kids don't know that so dp and I were diplomatic and said not just mummy's fault, daddy did stuff wrong too and both to blame but certainly not dss fault or dsd's etc. discussed the bullying and dss had much better day yesterday.

meeting with ed psych today (not told til Tuesday so I couldn't get time off work to go) but the kid the exw is describing at home bares absolutely no resemblance to the boy who comes here, like when he is frustrated here he either goes to his room or he says what is up, according to exw he smacks his head on the wall and uses lots of very worrying imagery like wanting bombs to drop on people(way too much computer gaming at her house).

Dp has asked for my opinion and I have repeatedly said I think part of the problem is that there are 6 people in a 3 bed house, dss (11) and dsd (9) share a room whilst their step sisters have a room each and exw and om have a sofa bed in the living room. it is massively over crowded and dss doesn't cope well with it. Dp agrees the situation is crap.

we have suggested that dss comes to live here where he has his own room and space but exw has always shrugged it off but now the school are saying that he is becoming violent in school ie throwing his shoes across a classroom at a boy who had disagreed with dss over something class work related. I am worries that if it continues he is going to really hurt himself or someone else and that we ought to be more forceful over dss coming to live here for a few weeks at the very least to try and help deal with itand also try and get some insight into the behaviours exw is saying happen.

would this be unreasonable?

Sound awful for both your dsc, I think if it gives him breathing space then it's a good idea. Sound like exw wouldn't really mind if she's only shrugged it off and not said a flat no.

mums you know the other issues so this is just the icing on the cake really. But the violent outbursts that school and exw are talking about are not something we see anymore. don't get me wrong we used to but the introduction of heavy consequences has really brought it under control to the point that we haven't had it in well over 18 months.

exw is adamant that dss has some form of asd and uses ot to excuse everything and now the school are doing the same. ie he got given no consequences for throwing shoes at a kid but you can bet that any other kid would have got a telling off and probably a detention and quite rightly so. none of them seem prepared to acknowledge that by singling him out by not punishing him because of the so called asd that actually they are making him a bigger target for the bullies.

I am not dismissing anyone who genuinely has asd btw but he has been assessed over and over and although he displays characteristics on the spectrum he is not autistic etc bit exw jumped on the displays tendencies and has run with it despite the fact the ed psych days that other than socially awkward he is pretty much normal

Why an educational psychologist?

My gut reaction to your post is the following, said as someone who hasn't a clue about psychology but has had a lot of experience of divorce and issues with children.

Children 'act out'. Whether banging heads on walls is 'acting out', I don't know. Assuming it is, he may well be acting out where he feels safest to do so. Alternatively, he may well be 'acting out' because he's frustrated with the current housing arrangements and needs more space. He may not know why he's head banging.

If his 'acting out' is based on hating mum then I am not sure removing him from mum is the answer. I say that because surely that would reinforce to him that 'mum is no good' and perhaps will serve to spark a long term issue between mum and son which will impact everyone in both households in the long term.

Is the bomb dropping on people imagery the only way he is expressing himself or is there other disturbing imagery? Young people have a lot of screen time. They are not all acting out in this way. I would be wary of blaming prolonged screen time (or saying 'parenting isn't great in mum's house') for his thoughts. Particularly because he's clearly not happy about something.

I think the one thing this child will need to see at the moment is mum and dad united. As such, your request as to whether being more 'forceful' about him living with you is acceptable, I would suggest not. It may be worth running the idea past mum (not the child) because perhaps she is ready to discuss this option. However, if it results in some kind of stand-off/battle/general unpleasantness, it isn't going to help your DSS. Equally, staying in an environment he finds toxic when there is an alternative available is also unacceptable. Is a change of home life something that can be mooted to the ed psych, perhaps?

Are you sceptical that your DSS is behaving in this way? If so, why?

the ed psych has been involved for a number of years as the schools have concerns around him struggling in general with social interaction. he is very insular and finds it almost impossible to make friends. but I think a lot of it is learned behaviour as his mum is very timid and socially awkward and I think much of that side of things are just from acting how he sees others around him act if that makes sense.

like I say we have never experienced the head banging on walls and to be honest I do think that there is a touch of melodrama to his mum's reports about his behaviour. although I am not discounting it as lies just that she is prone to overreaction and over dramatising things.

dss confides in me a lot about how he is feeling and when dp asked him why he can tell me but not his mum he says it's because she doesn't listen and tries to talk over him/doesn't let him finish what hr is trying to say and that makes him angry where as I just let him ramble until he finally says what is really up. I guess some of that is that he isn't mine so it's easier to be the friendly ear as there isn't the same emotional investment for me as there is for his mum. Dp tried to explain this to his exw on Tuesday but she brushed it off and wouldn't her that her behaviours however well intentioned could have been a trigger - dp also does stuff that trigger it and I have had to pull him up in it a lot over the years.

dss is a lovely kid but the bullying combined with the overcrowded living at home are really upsetting him. I would have no issues with him coming here and have suggested that we suggest it to exw in a "give him his own space and so we can monitor the behaviour as he isn't normally like that at weekends/our weeknight" kind of way. I am not in the least criticising her parenting although he does spend all his free time superglued to a screen which I don't agree with but her house her rules so it's not something I have ever commented on other than banning it here as they are here to see their dad not play computer games in their rooms kind of a way.

exw and I have had a rocky few months as she did several things to really annoy me and slagged me off to the kids (was stood behind her in a queue and heard it for myself) so I have distanced myself from dealing with her but the last few weeks she has been much better with me and we actually had a really constructive conversation on Sunday and again on Tuesday when I suggested that until they move somewhere bigger maybe dss should stay with us more or move in full time until they can get him a room of his own. she didn't dismiss it but didn't endorse it as a good idea iyswim

his behaviour to me is entirely acting out because he is frustrated at not being listened to and not having his own space to retreat to. I also think so if it is the different rules/expectations in the two households.

for example all he is expected to do at home is make his bed. here he asked for more chores (earns pocket money) so he loads/empties the dishwasher, brings his washing down and will put it in the machine if it's empty, walks the dog (I am not mean, they wanted a dog and the proviso of us getting one was they had to learn to feed her and walk her) and sets and clears the table. but he also asked to be shown how to make his own breakfast, make a sandwich for himself or toast and has this week asked to be taught how to make a cup of tea. so I think he is also struggling with being treated like a much younger children at home and being treated like the nearly teenager he is here.

I'm reading a few things from your post.

it is exw fault as she had an affair You don't know that - you were not in that relationship so you can't be sure. Not to condone affairs but you don't know how unhappy or mismatched the relationship was. It's not helpful to think in terms of blame.

way too much computer gaming at her house This is your interpretation. I have a colleague who mimics taking a pin out of a grenade and throwing it to symbolise saying something controversial. He has probably never played a computer game other than solitaire.

exw has always shrugged it off I can see the living arrangements are far from ideal, but tbh, no matter how bad, I'd hate the thought of losing one of my kids. However, your words make out she is uncaring and this is not important to her.

exw is adamant that dss has some form of asd and uses ot to excuse everything and now the school are doing the same The school will be well placed to judge behaviour so I wouldn't be quick to belittle their assessment.

the ed psych has been involved for a number of years I think a lot of it is learned behaviour as his mum She's carrying a lot of blame here!

TBH - you don't really know what goes on in his other home. You'll be getting a very jaundiced view of events. And kids, especially teenagers, will test the boundaries more at home than elsewhere.

As PPs say - his mum and dad need to be united in how they deal with this and I don't think you are helping - you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. If he is to come to live with you, and that might be the right thing to do, then it has to be done with the appropriate consultation with his mum.

paraphrasing to emphasise your points doesn't actually help matters!

the school don't believe he has asd but they are pandering to his behaviour because of pressure from his mum. they have told dp today thay they don't believe he has it and the ed psych has said on numerous occasions it's not asd but he displays certain tendencies.

and no I don't know the full details but I do know what she has told me and she told me that she had an affair and dp hadn't done anything wrong she just fell for someone else.

no one is suggesting snatching him from his mum but I am asking if we should be doing more than casually suggesting it and being more forthright about it so she understands we are serious about the option rather than just making a flippant comment

I think it sounds like the behaviour is a cry for help. It was how we were alerted to DSS being abused.
Or if it's a reaction to a chaotic home combined with asd and you could provide a more calm environment then I would suggest it more seriously. As you say your not going to kidnap him- just offer an alternative living situation that could help everyone. And even if it doesn't happen he will know you and your DP wanted him.
Only do it if you are able to do it on a permanent basis though, could be damaging if he felt he was sent back.
Not sure of the background but Have you suggested or been to family mediation?

I think the home life is definitely not helping and he is also fully aware that he can come and live with us for as long or short as he wants. we have involved both kids from the word go, they came house hunting and had a massive say in which house we bought, picked their rooms and colours for decorating them - it is very much their home.

at their mum's they refer to it as OM's house which to me is quite telling that they don't feel comfortable there which is why we wanted to suggest it as an "until you move somewhere bigger" option.

family mediation would be great if I thought his mum would engage but I suspect she wouldn't. there definitely isn't any physical abuse but I do feel like his emotional needs are being neglected albeit unintentional

suggesting mediation might be a good start- not to suggest blame but from the point of view that something is wrong and nobody wants him to be upset. It also gives you a forum to suggest changes to living arangements in a controlled environment.
The abuse was mostly emotional and verbal. The lashing out, shouting, slamming doors was reflecting how she acted towards him.
Although they went to mediation she also refused to engage but attended so she didn't look bad, so again I totally sypmathise.