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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult SS behaviour and holiday

25 replies

Runnyhunny · 23/02/2015 18:38

Dss 20 lives with us but more as a 'lodger', ie we hardly see him. Married dh 4 years ago, ss never accepted me (not ow) and is still blanking me not saying hello/goodbye etc despite me recently making a considerable effort with him. I have therefore stopped doing his washing and cooking, and have told Dh why. If dh tries to speak to him about it he will say nothing is wrong and he is not ignoring me.

Dh wants to book a week away with my two dcs, his dd (no problems with her), and dss. I told dh last night that I will not spend time on holiday with another adult who will not speak to me, so therefore either dss doesn't go, or I don't. Dh is afraid that if he excludes dss he will hold it against him and just walk, which will probably be the case.

On one hand I feel strongly that dh should grow a pair and support me, giving dss a consequence (which has never happened)- on the other hand should I, because I love my husband, just go with the flow and let ss come as there will be other people there too?

OP posts:

thepurplehen · 23/02/2015 18:53

I think you have every right to decide who you go on holiday with.

However I can see your dp will have problems with your choices.

Are you prepared to go on holiday without your dp? I think you need to be prepared to do that. You have your choices but I think you also have to accept he has his.

I know how hard it is. Sometimes I feel that I didn't settle down with someone to still live like single parent.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 23/02/2015 19:07

Thanks Purple, It's more a case of him having to go without me, I wouldn't go on this one alone. Do you really think he has a point? I just thought if dss was a child then have to suck it up, but at 20 surely it's not unreasonable for dh to say "If you can't be decent to my wife you can't come away with us"?

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thepurplehen · 23/02/2015 20:04

I think he has the right to want his "child" there.

However you also have the right to be treated with respect.

Unfortunately, it's up to your dp to do what he sees fit. You can't make him talk to his son or not take him on holiday.

I don't think you're wrong at all to want to be treated respectfully.

My dsd is nearly 19 and is really rude sometimes. But she's the product of her parenting and dp hasn't really pulled her up on much for fear of losing her for 7 years.

It makes me angry at him but I'm also like you realising that she's an adult now and should now be accountable for her own behaviour.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 23/02/2015 21:08

I have visions of having to holiday with dss well into his forties... Dh also 'lost' dss for some time because he dared get married and you can smell the fear now. I just see red when dh lets him get away with it and am fast losing respect for someone outwardly successful but scared shitless of his children

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olgaga · 23/02/2015 22:42

Your DH wants to endorse your DSS behaviour by taking him on holiday as though there's no problem with his behaviour?

I'd tell him it's fine for him to holiday with his children - and you will holiday with yours.

Canyouforgiveher · 23/02/2015 22:45

not only would I not go on holiday with an adult who blanked me but I wouldn't live with one either. I know that is not helpful.

Wdigin2this · 23/02/2015 22:58

They're all scared stiff of upsetting their children!! I think it's a case of, usually if a mother splits from a marriage the kids stay with her whatever, but a father usually is the one to leave the family home! Whether or not they re-marry/live with someone else, they don't ever seem to get over the guilt, and subsequently overindulge their kids emotionally and financially! I think you're going to have to accept DSS will be on this holiday, but as there will be others there, and presumably you'll get chatting with other families, just talk politely to him when obviously necessary but otherwise ignore him. I bet you find that if you can manage absolute dignity through the holiday, it might make DH question who's actually at fault!

goldenteapot · 23/02/2015 23:45

It sounds like a waste of a holiday. Just take your children somewhere else.

wheresthelight · 24/02/2015 06:51

My dss has done similar although he is 11. he went through a 6 month period of refusing to speak to me or acknowledge my existence. Dp wouldn't "believe" me until he saw ot for himself at which point he did back me up. he also took dss side throughout the 6 months every time I tried to complain or encourage him to discipline his son. it took an almighty row with dss after the first time he spoke to me was to demand I did something for him and I ignored him and walked away. he trough a wobbly at his dad who had a go at me and they both got given a few home truths about how I had no intention of doing anything whilst ever I was being treated like a piece of shit that had just been trodden into the carpets and they could both go to hell until they started to treat me with respect.

it took a few weeks but it hit home eventually with both

whodrankmycoffee · 24/02/2015 07:24

I wouldn't go.
Holidays are expensive. And time off is limited. I don't think a holiday is the time or place to prove a point. Let him take his children alone don't give him the veneer of happy families when he us doing nothing to help promote it at home.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 10:05

Wheresthelight Dh also tries not to believe me. This really annoys me as I'm only too happy to say for eg 'my dd's bieng a right cow today..' What can't he?

Thank goodness the end is in sight as dss is off on travels soon. But it's dh's misplaced loyalty to him and lack of it to me that really sticks. This is a skiing trip and my kids want to go (they love dh) so I guess it would be me home alone.. Thanks for all your views.

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gallicgirl · 24/02/2015 10:12

Could you suggest family mediation to sort through the problems?

Whatever you do here, I doubt it's going to change the overall situation.

CiderwithBuda · 24/02/2015 10:18

Actually I would go. It's a perfect opportunity for your DH to really see what your DSS is like with you.

Either your DSS will behave and you will all have a nice time or he won't and in ththe close confines of a holiday it will be more obvious and your DH can't ignore it.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 10:40

Gallicgirl dh has suggested family mediation to him but ss wasn't interested, after all he has nothing to gain by improving the situation- he literally doesn't care.

Cider I did that last year. Dh carried on as he does at home, pretending everything was just great. Problem, what problem?!

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Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 10:43

I am a fairly resilient adult, but it does upset me no end to know that my children, through no fault of their own, have to live in an atmosphere just because that is what SS chooses. Having said that, we hardly see him at home as he avoids us all.

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thepurplehen · 24/02/2015 10:49

I think it's quite common to bury your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

He's frightened of upsetting his son, so if he pretends it's not going on, he doesn't have to have any uncomfortable conversations.

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 11:04

The sad thing is though if they weren't so frightened of upsetting their children and acted accordingly, we wouldn't hold so much resentment and family life would be so much easier.

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thepurplehen · 24/02/2015 11:07

And you end up feeling resentful because he's frightened of upsetting someone who's not behaving very nicely but it's ok to upset the person who's supportive and trying to do the right thing. Ie. You

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 11:25

Could not have phrased that better Purple

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gallicgirl · 24/02/2015 12:19

SS might not be interested but I think your DH needs to be getting a grip of the situation for he sake of the whole family.

Why is the SS even there if he refuses to interact with you? Why doesn't he get his own place and then he can interact with his father on his own terms?

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 13:49

Gallic i couldn't agree more- have told dh I feel he shouldn't be here at all, but he feels that as his son he's 'entitled' to. I very much doubt when he gets back from travelling he will want to come back here. He already spends time with dh on his own enjoying sport, whilst ignoring the rest of us

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GotToBeInItToWinIt · 24/02/2015 13:59

I think you're completely right to say you won't go on holiday with someone who can't even be civil to you.

wheresthelight · 24/02/2015 15:02

unfortunately it isn't misplaced loyalty it is just loyalty plain and simple. your dh clearly still sees a little boy and not a grown man and I suspect issues with contact over the years are the reason.

I would perhaps ditch family counselling and try just you and dh so you have a neutral forum to air your views and frustrations

Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 16:08

Wheresthelight has that worked for you in the past? I'm not keen to have a 'meeting' with the four of us because dh and I are 'meant' to be a unit.. But any conflict of loyalty during the conversation and dh will be caught like a rabbit in headlights.. and I will be hoping mad if he doesn't back me up!

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Original poster

Runnyhunny · 24/02/2015 16:09

Even hopping mad!

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