DSS is out of control. I'm scared and don't know what to do

[blueberrymuffffin]

Hi, I'm so confused and don't know what to do, I could really do with some advice right now.

DSS (9) has some behavioural problems, I think it's quite deep routed to do with his past. He's getting lots of support from school and family etc but it's very concerning. One minute he is fine, the next he's out of control, sometimes it's like he's possessed. Then a minute later it's like nothing happened. He's waiting to see a specialist to try and diagnose the problem.

DH and I have tried giving him lots of support and tried to be very patient, DH has tried to be firm with his rules and to let him know when his behaviour is not acceptable whilst trying to show him unconditional love.

DSS hasn't wanted to visit us much lately, he doesn't seem to like change. When he's at ours he doesn't like to go back to his Mum's either. So I think sometimes if he's settled at home he just can't be bothered with coming to ours and probably his Mum is scared of making him kick off.
So lately instead of EOW he's been coming about once every 6 weeks but DH has been trying to see him midweek when he can.

But last weekend things took a turn for the worse. DSS(9) went MAD at DSD (12) over very little, it was just a silly little argument over nothing and then all of a sudden DSS went for DSD and put his hand round her neck and punched her. I tried to get him off her and he kicked me in the stomach. I'm 6&1/2 months pregnant.
This wasn't a normal kid's fight, it was like he wanted to kill her. I'll never forget the look in his eyes and the look of fear in DSD's eyes.
This all happened in front of my 7yo DS and 2yo DD.
DH was in the bathroom whilst this went on. I had to go to hospital and was put on a monitor, thankfully baby is OK.
I'm absolutely distraught over it. DS is so angry about it too, he's a really sensitive little boy and he's so upset that DSS hurt his baby brother, he's been saying he's going to kill him next time he sees DSS. This is really out of character for DS, he's normally a very easy going little boy.
I don't think DSS intended to hurt the baby, he was just trying to get me away from trying to break the fight with his sister.

I'm worried about DSS, I'm scared about what his future will be like if he doesn't resolve his anger issues, I'm worried that he'll end up mixing with the wrong kids and get in to trouble with the law when he's older. He's only 9 and doesn't really have any friends at school, he's already a bit of an outcast. I just don't know what can be done to fix him.

But I'm so scared about him coming back in to our home, I worried about the safety of me and DCs.
I feel like I just want to bundle up my DCs and run away where we can be safe.
If something happens to one of my kids I could never live with myself. I can't see a possible positive outcome at the moment, his behaviour has gradually got worse and worse and I'm scared it's going to continue to get worse.
DH is totally at a loss as to what to do too.

It's been over a week since the incident and I still shake when I think about it and now next weekend's visit is nearing closer and I'm dreading it. I'm hoping he's going to say he's not going to come, that sounds horrible doesn't it?
To say he's not welcome in our home would just make him worse, but how can I let my DCs be unsafe in their own home? He bullies DS too, has done for years.
I don't trust that he wouldn't harm my baby when it's born. And before anybody knocks me down for getting pregnant whilst we've got these problems, it wasn't planned and I feel totally shit and guilty for it.

Other than this issue with DSS our marriage is perfect but I'm thinking about leaving a perfectly good marriage because of DSS.
But even if I left DH, there would still be times when he would have all the DCs together, so leaving him wouldn't really solve the problem.

What on Earth do I do?

He obviously has a serious problem which needs professional intervention! Can you maybe get the specialist appointment brought forward, so that at least he can be assessed?

He has his appointment in 2 weeks, he's been waiting months and months so I can't imagine they'll see him any sooner, not long now to wait now though.
I just hope they can get to the bottom of the problem.

Is your dh present when all this goes on? Because he needs to be. Right now he needs to be wherever your dss is during contact time. You can't look after the children, protect yourself and baby and manage this behaviour.

Hopefully some professional help will improve things but right now your DH is going to have to helicopter parent him.

DH was in the bathroom, he was literally gone for a couple of minutes and as soon as he heard the commotion he ran straight down the stairs with his trousers round his ankles
That's the most scary part of it all, he can go from being perfectly fine, a happy little boy to uncontrollable in the matter of seconds. It comes from nowhere and then he goes back to normal like nothing has happened.

I'm very rarely left alone with him. He wants to be with DH all the time so he tends to go wherever DH goes.

first off sending you huge hugs and glad the baby is ok!!

I guess the first thing is to establish if this sort of attack on his sister has happened before at their mum's house. if ot has then maybe the first action is to get dsd into your care until dss can get the help he needs. are social care involved as it sounds to me like there is a significant safeguarding issue here

I wanted to sympathetically post to say that there are many families out there with violent children. It really is one of the last taboos in parenting, but you are not alone. No-one will discuss it too publicly for fear of inappropriate intervention by social services and other.

A very high % of families who have children with special needs are divorced and separated. It is critical that neither parent feels that their parenting is belittled or the situation used to advantage. (#bitterexperience). So if you can work together with mum that will be best for both families. My ex has not accepted that the child can behave differently in different settings and it is not parenting driven so we are in and out of court.

I am pleased that you have an appointment for your DSS. A number of things stood out for me in your post but I won't comment too much on those.

My child was always different but the violence escalated at around age 8, Jekyll and hyde, justice trigger, transition anxieties (loves going to dads but transition is increasingly difficult). I am quite scared in my own home. I believe that my child's behaviour is driven by anxiety - also has learning difficulties and that hasn't helped. School and my ex believe once that is resolved (through transfer to a specialist school) child's violence and frustration will stop. I don't agree. There are different parenting strategies. I do parent with firm boundaries but that actually makes my child worse. You will find that your parenting is called into question (by everyone) so be prepared for that.